Quick plug – my Doctor Who audio ‘The Beautiful People’, one of the first releases in the ‘Companion Chronicles’ range, is available this day only for £5. It’s a story narrated by the fabulous Lalla Ward, as Romana, guest-starring Marcia Ashton (out of Brookside) as the evil Karna. It owes more than a little debt to Little Britain, Victoria Wood’s Men Sana In Thingummy Doodah and, of course, The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams. It’s a breezy comedy with a serious point.
To order it, click here. Other ‘Companion Chronicles’ are also available.
As a little taster, here’s the first page from the script.
(FX: TARDIS INTERIOR)
ROMANA: The Doctor was having another of his funny moods.
‘Doughnuts!’ he shouted, as though giving the answer to a very important question.
I had only just walked into the TARDIS control room and, of course, I hadn’t actually asked him anything.
‘What?’ I asked wearily.
‘Doughnuts!’ the Doctor repeated. ‘Why is it, Romana, that we never seem to have enough doughnuts? Travelling through time and space is hungry work, you know. And we’ve run out. Again!’
I had found that it was best to humour the Doctor on these occasions. ‘The TARDIS food machine is perfectly capable of approximating the flavour and texture-
‘Pah!’ the Doctor interrupted. ‘It’s nowhere near the same! You can’t have cookery by machine! Where’s the panache, the élan, in micro-circuitry, hmm?’
‘It provides healthy, vitamin-enriched alternatives,’ I reminded him.
‘And that’s another thing, Romana’. The Doctor pulled one of his indignant expressions. ‘What if I don’t want to eat healthily? Sometimes, you know, it’s good for you to have something that’s bad for you.’
I knew there would be no point in questioning the Doctor’s logic, as he only makes these sort of statements to be irritating, so instead I gently suggested that if he wanted doughnuts so badly, he should try baking some himself.
‘It’s not the same if you have to bake them yourself,’ he replied, sulkily adjusting his long, multi-coloured scarf.
‘Well, what about K-9?’ I said. ‘You could ask him.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said the Doctor. ‘Me, training a dog to bake doughnuts? And besides, I’ve already tried, and he always uses the wrong sort of jam.’