October 2012 saw the release of my third Jago & Litefoot story, a Doctor Who crossover called Voyage to Venus. I’ve blogged about the
release previously here and here, and as usual I recommend you buy it (it’s
marvellous) before reading any of these deleted scenes as they will undoubtedly
constitute ‘spoilers’.
First of all, my first draft of the story was 13,000 words,
which was way over the target wordcount, so before the script editor (Justin
Richards) saw it, I had deleted the following material (with commentary in
italics):
Cut because it was too
descriptive:
LITEFOOT:
I see what you mean. All those chimneys, belching out smoke.
Most unhealthy!
JAGO:
Venusian Factories! Reminiscent of Blake’s dark Satanic
mills!
LITEFOOT:
Let’s try to not get completely carried away, shall we,
Henry?
Too getting-ahead-of-ourselves:
URSINA:
I don’t know. Except... wait! The forbidden caves!
LITEFOOT:
The what?
URSINA:
Corvina had this idea that they were the source of all these
creatures.
DOCTOR:
You know how to locate these caves?
URSINA:
Of course. Corvina intended to mount an expedition, and went
to Vulpina to seek permission...
LITEFOOT:
Her fatal mistake, it would appear.
DOCTOR:
I think we should see what these caves have to offer.
Too but-I’m-telling-you-the-plot:
URSINA:
(LOOKS) Captain Felina... and a squadron of palace guards!
But how can Vulpina have found out what we were doing?
LITEFOOT:
Through the use of some sort of concealed listening device,
I should imagine.
DOCTOR:
Very probably. Having killed one Chief Scientist, I expect
she wanted to keep tabs on her replacement. Speaking of which. Ursina. Can you
get us out of here?
Too
slowing-down-the-action-at-an-exciting-bit:
(FX: RADIO OFF)
VULPINA:
And as for you, you perfidious primate –
JAGO:
(FRIGHTENED) What? What?
VULPINA:
No. I shall not kill you now. You deserve a lingering death.
Too cuttable:
(FX: SKY-YACHT IN FLIGHT. A LITTLE TURBULENCE, CREAKING LIKE
A BOAT, ENGINES THRUMMING. LUXURIOUS. WE’RE ON THE UPPER DECK.)
(FX: BUTTONS PRESSED, BLEEPING.)
DOCTOR:
Ursina. How much of a head start do you think we have?
URSINA:
Not sure. Half an hour, at most. We’re going as fast as we
can.
DOCTOR:
Not quite. There’s a tail wind. If you raise the sails and
reduce altitude, it might give us a little extra speed.
URSINA:
Raising sails and reducing altitude...
(FX: SAILS RAISED AND INFLATE. INSTRUMENT BLEEPS)
A whole chunk cut
because... I could.
(FX: VENUSIAN TORCHES SWITCHED ON. THEY ENTER THE CAVES.
DRIPPING WATER, ECHO ON VOICES)
LITEFOOT:
(WHISPER) Doctor. A question.
DOCTOR:
There’s no need to whisper, Professor.
LITEFOOT:
It just occurred to me. What if there’s something living
down here? One wouldn’t want to rouse a Shanghorn from its slumber.
DOCTOR:
I assure you, they’re normally quite harmless.
LITEFOOT:
Even when they’ve been disturbed by unexpected home-callers?
DOCTOR:
Good point. Well, if we do see one, you know what to do.
LITEFOOT:
Do I?
DOCTOR:
I told you. Shanghorns can be pacified by music. Any music.
The sympathetic vibrations cause their cranium to resonate.
LITEFOOT:
So what do you suggest? We sing to it to sleep with a
children’s lullaby?
DOCTOR:
That should do it, yes. Though in my experience, they are
also very partial to Gilbert and Sullivan...
(FX: FOR THE LAST TWO LINES, THEY’RE MOVING INTO THE
DISTANCE, INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE CAVE.)
Again, another chunk
of dialogue that turned out to be inessential:
DOCTOR:
Presumably this is where all your specimens have been coming
from, Ursina. As the walls of this cave thaw out, the ice melts...
LITEFOOT:
- and the creatures wake up, as though from hibernation?
DOCTOR:
Yes. A process known as cryonics.
URSINA:
But what is the purpose of this place? How did all these
creatures end up frozen in ice? How long have they been here?
DOCTOR:
All very good questions. To answer the last one first, I
think they’ve been here for a very long time...
Too
a-character-is-pointing-out-a-problem-with-the-plotting-that-I’d-rather-not-draw-attention-to:
(FX: BACK BY THE CAVE ENTRANCE, AND THE WATERFALL. VULPINA,
LUPINA AND LITEFOOT AND JAGO EMERGING, BREATHLESS.)
JAGO:
I say, what’s the hurry? One minute you’re dragging us down
into the cave, the next you’re dragging us back out again!
I got this down to a
couple of sentences:
VEPAJA:
Indeed. We preserved not just ourselves, but samples of
every being, every plant, so that one day a new world might be born.
URSINA:
They’re all from this planet’s pre-history?
VEPAJA:
Pre-history to you. To us, it seems only yesterday.
DOCTOR:
An underground seed vault.
VEPAJA:
And now we have been revived from our slumber, and the young
of our race once more walk upon the surface of our world.
Too hey-it-would-be-neater-to-end-this-scene-a-couple-of-lines-earlier:
JAGO:
I know, old chap. From this distance, Lupina won’t be able
to tell the difference. Fear not! The ever-resourceful Gordon-Jago has cogitated
and concocted a cunning plan.
LITEFOOT:
Well done, old chap. What do you intend to do?
JAGO:
Just play along when the moment comes, Henry. When the
moment comes! Ha!
Again, much more
dramatic to end on the Doctor’s line:
DOCTOR:
And send them to slaughter everyone in Amtor! For all the
difference, you might as well have let the city crash into the ground!
VEPAJA:
Some of those for whom I speak are sympathetic to your
views, Doctor. But the balance is in favour of retribution. You must remember,
Cytherea is our world. These Venusians are the interlopers.
URSINA:
We’re not! You destroyed your own planet and abandoned it.
If it wasn’t for us, you would never have woken up!
VEPAJA:
You speak the truth, but I’m afraid, it will not be enough
to save your race. This world shall be ours - and ours alone!
Too explaining-stuff-that-doesn’t-need-explaining:
(FX: VEPAJA IS MEDITATING.)
VEPAJA:
Omniddy-dom-dom. Omniddy-dom-dom.
URSINA:
What’s it doing, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
Guiding the Shanghorns telepathically. The Cythereans plan
on using them to do their dirty work.
I quite like this but
it’s a joke on top of a joke which never works:
LITEFOOT:
Yes. Henry, think back for a moment. What one thing did the
Doctor tell us about Shanghorns?
JAGO:
That they’re normally shy, placid creatures?
LITEFOOT:
Other than that.
JAGO:
That you should never trust one with a Perigosto stick?
LITEFOOT:
Other than that.
JAGO:
That... you can send them to sleep by playing them some
music!
Too... badly-written,
frankly. I got it down to a couple of sentences:
URSINA:
It is though they are reciting words to a pulse, but
altering the pitch as they go...
DOCTOR:
Vepaja. It would appear the Venusians have discovered the
Shanghorns’ great weakness!
VEPAJA:
But that is impossible!
DOCTOR:
But nevertheless they’ve done it. Your planned retribution
has turned out to be a bit of a damp squib.
All those cuts, and
others, got it down to about 11,000 words, still way too long (as it was still
missing the opening scene, which would follow on from the previous adventure).
After this, it went to
two more drafts, with notes from the script editor and producer. The commentary
that follows is my guesswork as to the reasons why stuff was cut.
Too obviously
descriptive:
JAGO:
Extraordinary. A mighty metropolis suspended above the
clouds by... by hot-air balloons!
DOCTOR:
Looks like a cross between a gothic cathedral and a Northern
industrial town.
Too cuttable:
JAGO:
Must be some way of raising the alarm...
VULPINA:
Move away from those switches. Or I’ll have you eradicated!
(FX: JAGO STILL THROWING SWITCHES)
JAGO:
Never did care for people who mistreat their pets... hello!
Too
slowing-down-the-action (I cut this down to a sentence or two):
(FX: DOCTOR ACTIVATING CONTROLS AS HE TALKS)
DOCTOR:
No. If we can create enough disruption, it should give our
pursuers something to think about!
LITEFOOT:
I see what you mean. They’ll be too busy dealing with these
monsters to come after us!
(FX: CONTROL ACTIVATED, DOOR CLANGS OPEN.)
DOCTOR:
There. That’s the shrieking Glarosus. Now for the
Shanghorns!
(FX: CONTROL ACTIVATED. SHANGHORN ROARS LIKE AN ELEPHANT)
DOCTOR:
(ENCOURAGING SHANGHORN) Yes, that’s right, away you go!
LITEFOOT:
Doctor, I thought you said Shanghorns were harmless?
DOCTOR:
They are. But I think our pursuers will have their work cut
out dealing with the – Venusian spore-beetle!
A whole scene cut, I’m
guessing just because it could be cut to get the script down to length:
16. EXT. DOCKING STRUT
(FX: DOCTOR, LITEFOOT AND URSINA RUNNING ON CLANGING METAL)
URSINA:
(BREATHLESS) Made it!
LITEFOOT:
That’s your sky-yacht? I say, what an elegantly-designed
vessel!
DOCTOR:
Let’s save the aesthetic appreciation for later, shall we,
Professor?
LITEFOOT:
As you wish. So what do we do now? Surely you don’t expect
us to jump?
URSINA:
Yes. Hurry, there’s no time.
(FX: URSINA AND DOCTOR JUMP ON BOARD)
DOCTOR:
Come on, Professor, jump. It’s only a couple of feet!
LITEFOOT:
Very well, here goes – (JUMPS) Woah!
(FX: LITEFOOT JUMPS ON BOARD)
DOCTOR:
Got you. Ready to go, Ursina?
(FX: ENGINE REVS INTO LIFE)
URSINA:
Ready to go. I recommend you both hold on to something.
LITEFOOT:
Any suggestions in particulaaaaaaaaaar!
(FX: AS LITEFOOT TALKS, THE SKY-YACHT WHOOSHES INTO THE
DISTANCE, WITH THE DOCTOR AND LITEFOOT GASPING IN SHOCK)
(FX: WE MOVE BACK TO THE THRONE ROOM, WHERE THIS IS BEING
OBSERVED VIA A MONITOR)
Another great big bit
cut out:
URSINA:
Yes. We should still be able to make it to the caves
first... but only just.
DOCTOR:
In the meantime, I suggest we take this opportunity to get
our breath back. Professor Litefoot, are you alright?
(FX: LITEFOOT IS FANNING HIMSELF)
LITEFOOT:
Oh, quite alright Doctor. It’s just this interminable heat.
It seems to have been mid-day ever since we arrived!
DOCTOR:
It has. On Venus a single day lasts for about eight months.
LITEFOOT:
Eight months? Oh well, I suppose it gives one plenty of time
to get things done!
19. INT. VULPINA’S SKY-YACHT
(FX: THE ENGINES ARE DEEPER, HEAVIER. WE’RE IN THE HOLD)
VULPINA:
How far away are they, Captain Felina?
FELINA:
Thirty miles and closing, Grand Empress.
VULPINA:
The moment they’re in range, I want them blasted out of the
sky!
FELINA:
As you command.
VULPINA:
And as for you, Jago-Marm. I want you to tell me everything.
JAGO:
Everything?
VULPINA:
What are you, Henry Gordon Jago-Marm? Where do you come
from? And why have you decided to come here now?
JAGO:
Ah, well, it’s a long story...
Cut because the third
line was a better scene-opener:
VULPINA:
So you, the “Doctor” and “George” came here from Earth in a
craft that flies between planets?
JAGO:
Incredible as it may sound, those are the facts of the
matter.
VULPINA:
Tell me, Jago-Marm, are all the creatures there like you?
The end of this scene
was cut because I suspect somebody thought it
was too silly:
VULPINA:
Then put us down beside their sky-yacht... and inform the
guards that we’re going on another hunting expedition!
LUPINA:
Yes, your highness.
(FX: LUPINA LEAVES THROUGH AUTOMATIC DOOR)
VULPINA:
And as for you, Jago-Marm, my human pet...
JAGO:
Yes, your majesty?
VULPINA:
Walkies!
The next bit was cut
down because Jago has a bomb in his mouth so shouldn’t have long speeches!
LUPINA:
(REACTS) By the ancestors! The fool’s got it in his mouth!
VULPINA:
Jago-Marm, spit it out immediately!
JAGO:
Not sure you want me to do that. A little bird told me they
are extremely volatile.
VULPINA:
Give it to me. Or I will have you shot.
JAGO:
Again, probably not a good idea - whoops-a-daisy, bang-bang!
The next bit wasn’t
cut as such, just moved to earlier in the scene so that it didn’t interrupt the
Shaghorn bit:
LITEFOOT:
Yes. Henry, think back for a moment. What one thing did the
Doctor tell us about Shanghorns?
JAGO:
That... you can send them to sleep by playing them some
music!
LITEFOOT:
Precisely!
LUPINA:
What are you talking about?
VULPINA:
Ignore them. They’re simply babbling a load of foolish
nonsense. Like all of their male-kind!
LUPINA:
I’ve heard enough from you, Vulpina! Guards, take her to the
royal chambers and keep her there.
(FX: GUARDS ESCORT VULPINA OUT, DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE)
A whole scene cut out
from the end, mainly because in the second or third draft I had the Doctor make
contact with Jago & Litefoot earlier so that he was the one who suggested
to them that they should sing to pacify the Shanghorns.
37. INT. THRONE ROOM.
(FX: DOOR OPENS. GUARDS ESCORT VULPINA IN)
VULPINA:
Why have you summoned me here? To have me beg for mercy?
LUPINA:
No, Vulpina. So that you can be brought to justice, in front
of the people of Amtor.
VULPINA:
You intend to humiliate me with a public trial?
LUPINA:
I want the people to know the truth. To know that it was you
who ordered the death of the chief scientist Corvina.
VULPINA:
You have no proof, Lupina. It is only your word against
mine.
LUPINA:
On the contrary. We have the evidence of an expert
pathologist. Assuming that he is willing to give testimony?
LITEFOOT:
I’d be delighted, my dear. Absolutely delighted.
LUPINA:
Then it is decided. We can only regret that the Doctor and
Ursina will no longer be able to give their evidence.
(FX: VULPINA ESCORTED OUT. DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES.)
LITEFOOT:
I suppose, without the Doctor, Henry and I will have to make
a new life for ourselves here on Venus. Assuming you have no objection?
LUPINA:
We would be honoured, Professor Litefoot.
JAGO:
Hate to dash your hopes of a Venusian retirement villa,
George, but I think you may have spoken too soon!
LITEFOOT:
What?
JAGO:
Look, on this televisor gadget.
LITEFOOT:
But that’s... the sky-yacht belonging to the girl Ursina!
(FX: BUTTONS PRESSED. INTERCOM FLICKERS INTO LIFE)
LUPINA:
This is Captain Lupina hailing Chief Scientist’s sky-yacht.
Respond please.
(FX: BRIEF CRACKLE, THEN:)
URSINA: (VIA MONITOR)
This is Chief Scientist Ursina. How is everyone?
LUPINA:
We are fine. Vulpina is no longer empress! But you... What
happened to you? And where is the Doctor?
DOCTOR: (VIA MONITOR)
Hello! You asked for me?
JAGO:
The Doctor! He’s alive!
LITEFOOT:
Thank goodness!
DOCTOR: (VIA MONITOR)
Professor! Mister Jago! So glad to see you!
JAGO:
The feeling is mutual, Doctor. The feeling is mutual! And
you know the best thing about all this, George?
LITEFOOT:
No, what?
JAGO:
We’re going home!
And finally – my original
ending, written because I didn’t know whether I’d be setting up further
adventures with our heroes in the TARDIS or not. I replaced it with a scene
with the Doctor setting a course for the Red Tavern, Earth – and then
everything after that was by Matthew Sweet, taken from the beginning of Voyage
to the New World, I think.
JAGO:
No, still don’t understand. So, where to now, Doctor?
DOCTOR:
I’m sorry?
JAGO:
Which is to be the next celestial sphere for a stop-over in
that ship of yours?
DOCTOR:
I thought you wanted me to take you home, Mister Jago.
JAGO:
Ah, well, a fellow can always change his mind, can’t he?
LITEFOOT:
You did mention that the TARDIS is a time machine, Doctor.
So it’s not as if there is any great hurry for us to get back...
DOCTOR:
You want to continue your travels with me?
JAGO:
If you don’t mind, old chap. See more of what the universe
has to offer!
LITEFOOT:
After all, we haven’t been to Mars yet!
(FX: DOCTOR, LITEFOOT AND JAGO ENTER TARDIS)
DOCTOR: (INSIDE TARDIS)
Mars? Mars? You want me to take you to Mars?
JAGO: (INSIDE TARDIS)
Or Mercury. Or Neptune. Or Saturn!
LITEFOOT: (INSIDE TARDIS)
Or Jupiter, Henry. Don’t forget Jupiter!
(FX: TARDIS TAKES OFF. FOR A FEW MOMENTS, WE LISTEN TO THE
JUNGLE, THE EXOTIC ALIENS BIRDS, THE SNUFFLING, TRUMPETING SHANGHORNS... AND
THEN INTO THE CLOSING THEME!)