Everywhere It's Christmas

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

A sketch I wrote a few years back and never managed to sell, probably because it's only sporadically and mildly amusing and is far too long.

SANTA

Casual chat between MIKE and DAVE. MIKE is busy writing, wearing an intense expression.

MIKE:
…and a Wii with loads of games and a racing bike and…

DAVE:
Sorry, what are you doing?

MIKE:
What?

DAVE:
You’re writing something, what is it?

MIKE:
Oh, nothing.

DAVE:
No, go on, tell me.

MIKE:
No, you’ll be funny about it and take the piss.

DAVE:
No, I won’t, I promise. What is it?

MIKE:
I’m making a Christmas list. For Santa.

DAVE:
(incredulous) For Santa?

MIKE:
I knew it! I knew you’d be all snide and… snide.

DAVE:
I’m sorry, but aren’t you a bit old to be writing to Santa Claus?

MIKE:
(very resentful) Oh, right. Suddenly you decide to mock my faith…

DAVE:
No, but… you do know that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, don’t you?

MIKE:
You can say that, but for me, Santa is very real, and very much part of my day-to-day spiritual experience.

DAVE:
But he’s made up…

MIKE:
Yes, you lot, mention someone’s religious convictions and you become all high-and-mighty and ‘I know better’.

DAVE:
You lot?

MIKE:
You and Richard bloody Dawkins and Christopher sodding Hitchens. Look, I’m not trying to convert anyone, I just happened to be a believer – is it too difficult for you to respect that?

DAVE:
It’s quite difficult to respect someone still believing in Santa Claus, yes.

MIKE:
Oh! Oh!

DAVE:
I mean, I’m not religious myself but I can understand someone following something which is part of a recognised belief system. But Santa is not part of a recognised belief system, he’s an obese man in a hat who laughs too much.

MIKE:
Yeah. Like Buddha. Or Jesus. Or Mohammed. You wouldn’t take the piss out of them, would you?

DAVE:
No, I wouldn’t, because they are not generally associated with sitting in a sleigh that’s pulled by reindeer, one of whom has a very shiny nose.

MIKE:
Laugh all you like. I don’t care. I have my faith.

DAVE:
It’s not even a proper faith. It’s just a myth based around some pagan superstitions and a series of advertisements for Coca Cola.

MIKE:
That’s what you say. But Santa has changed my life. He is mysterious and wonderful in ways you could never hope to understand.

DAVE:
Right. No, of course he is.

MIKE:
Now you’re just being sarcastic.

DAVE:
Yes I’m being sarcastic! It’s hard not to be sarcastic when someone says they have a spiritual belief in a man you can visit in the Arndale centre for a pound.

MIKE:
That’s not the real Santa Claus. That is merely his representative on Earth.

DAVE:
I see. Like the Archbishop of Canterbury.

MIKE:
The principle’s the same. I’m sorry if it offends you, but I happen to believe that Santa is a real force for good in this world. After all, he’s making a list.

DAVE:
A list?

MIKE:
He’s checking it twice.

DAVE:
Well, that’s thorough, I suppose.

MIKE:
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and who’s nice.

DAVE:
Now it’s gone all a bit sinister.

MIKE:
No, that’s the whole point, you see. If you’re naughty, he won’t come down your chimney, but if you’re nice for the whole year, you get presents.

DAVE:
So basically what you’re saying is that he bribes you.

MIKE:
No.

DAVE:
He bribes you to be good.

MIKE:
It’s more a system of incentives and deterrents. Like heaven and hell, but in a much more real, and immediate sense, because if you’ve been naughty, he’ll know, and -

DAVE:
And you won’t get a Ninentendo DS Lite.

MIKE:
Exactly. But I will, because I’ve been nice. You, on the other hand, had better watch out. You’d better not cry. You’d better not pout.

DAVE:
Why?

MIKE:
I’m telling you why.

DAVE:
Oh good grief.

MIKE:
(evangelical) Because Santa Claus is coming. Santa Claus is coming. Santa Claus is coming to town. Amen.

DAVE:
That’s a hymn, is it?

MIKE:
Yes.

DAVE:
And Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

MIKE:
Yes, that’s one too. Though we don’t actually believe the story of Rudolph, it’s more of a metaphor for Santa Claus’s infinite capacity for forgiveness.

DAVE:
Of course it is, how stupid of me not to realise that…

MIKE:
It’s alright. I was like you once. A sceptic. A non-believer. A mocking mocker.

DAVE:
So what changed all that?

MIKE:
You’re not to laugh, alright? It’s just that, one night… I saw him. I was very young, about six or seven, lying in my bed on Christmas eve… and suddenly there he was, at the foot of my bed, stuffing presents in a pillow case. Santa.

DAVE:
Oh.

MIKE:
Yeah. And so ever since then, I have let Santa into my heart.

DAVE:
You don’t think, possibly, that it might have been your dad dressed up?

MIKE:
What -? Well, he did have the same aftershave as my -

MIKE suddenly has a crisis of faith.

MIKE:
Oh my God… oh my God, you’re right… it’s all been a pathetic lie, hasn’t it?

END

Do They Know It's Christmas?

Here’s a silly, fun, festive thing I did on twitter at midday today: I started a singalong of Do They Know It’s Christmas. This is how it happened:

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Members of the choir. Songsheets at the ready.

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
The hashttag is #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
One two three four...

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid #xmaskaraoke

Paul_Cornell Paul_Cornell
At Christmas time... we let in light and we banish shade. #xmaskaraoke

cathieharvey Catherine Green
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

markravenhill Mark Ravenhill
Throw your arms around terra in the mutter spiral at Christmas time

TomSpilsbury Tom Spilsbury
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones. #xmaskaraoke

jamesgrayh James: DrWho Fansite
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun #xmaskaraoke

jamesmoran James Moran
Theeeeere's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear #xmaskaraoke

edstradling Ed Stradling
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears ... #xmaskaraoke

theolismith Oli Smith
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom, #xmaskaraoke

joelidster Joe Lidster
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you. #xmaskaraoke

HokusBloke Neil Gardner
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time #xmaskaraoke

ianzpotter Ian Potter
The greatest gift they'll get this year is liiife (woah oh) #xmaskaraoke

anghelides Peter Anghelides
Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor River Song.

MrsSteveOBrien Steve O'Brien
Do they know it's christmas time (flight) at all?

sirdigbychicken Martin Day
Here's to you, raise your glass for everyone #xmaskaraoke

PiaGuerra Pia Guerra
Here's to them, underneath that burning sun #xmaskaraoke

gossjam James Goss
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

mrtonylee Tony Lee
Do they know it's Christmas Time at all.... #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
AND NOW: EVERYBODY ON TWITTER! #xmaskaraoke

At which point about a hundred or so people joined in tweeting the chorus with the hashtag #xmaskaraoke. For about 15 minutes.

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Applause! Well done everyone! That was fantastic! #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Thanks to everyone who took part. Particularly everyone who came in too early, too late, or who sang the wrong line. #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Though I think 45 minutes is possibly too long for Do They Know It's Christmas. #karaoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
And a very merry Christmas to you all. x

This may become a Christmas tradition. I hope so. If nothing else, it gained me about 250 new followers!

Deeper Shade Of Blue

The latest Doctor Who Magazine and the Big Finish website have both announced that 2013 will see a second series of Tom Baker audio adventures, two of which are written by yours truly. They are ‘The Auntie Matter’, where he is joined by his companion Romana, portrayed by Mary Tamm, and ‘Phantoms Of The Deep’, where they are also joined by K-9, the adorably prissy robot dog portrayed by John Leeson.

Both stories were written earlier this year, in June and August respectively. I was lucky enough to attend both recordings and on both occasions at the end of the day my jaw was aching from constant grinning. To hear Tom Baker performing my words, and doing it so well, with such attention to detail, with such irrepressible humour and with such panache! Many times I closed my eyes and it was like being transported back to 1978, or sticking on a DVD of a Doctor Who from 1978. I count myself inordinately fortunate to have been given such an opportunity; even it retrospect I still can’t quite believe it happened. It will be a memory to treasure for the rest of my life. I’ve written two stories for Tom Baker’s Doctor (three if you count the adaptation of The Valley Of Death). That’s just mind-boggling.

My favourite moment was the first TARDIS scene from Phantoms Of The Deep (I wrote a TARDIS scene!). The Doctor and K-9... together for the first time since 1980. It was utter magic.

I can’t tell you much about the stories, because I’ll get into trouble with Big Finish, and because they won’t be released until 2013. (Doctor Who’s 50th anniversary year! No doubt Moffat’s TV show will be doing some sort of 3-D live spectacular with Jeff-Bridges-in-Tron-style CGI reconstructions of the deceased Doctors, but at least I’ll be contributing in my own modest way.)

‘The Auntie Matter’ stars Julia McKenzie, who I’m sure you know from Marple, Cranford, Fresh Fields and numerous Stephen Sondheim musicals. It’s a Doctor Who story written in the style of PG Wodehouse, a deceptively light comedy. ‘Phantoms Of The Deep’ stars Alice Krige, of Spooks and Star Trek: First Contact. It couldn’t be more different from ‘The Auntie Matter’; it’s a claustrophobic hard-sci-fi blockbuster. The sort of story that would be advertised by a poster that is mostly black but with a hint of dark blue. This might give you some clues as to the subject matter.

They can be pre-ordered; click on the names on the list of Things I've Written on the right. I also script-edited one story for the same season, 'The Justice Of Jalxar' written by John Dorney, in which the Doctor is reunited with Professor Litefoot and Henry Gordon Jago of The Talons Of Weng-Chiang. It's a terrific story for which I can sadly take very, very little credit.

It’s a little strange, having these things announced so far in advance. I mean, where will we all be in 2013? What will the world be like so far in the future? The Olympics, the Diamond Jubilee and Ed Miliband’s leadership of the Labour Party will all be distant memories by then. And I’ll be nearly 40.

Some Dreams Come True

Big Finish productions have just released a trailer for their forthcoming series of Doctor Who audios starring Tom Baker as the Doctor and Louise Jameson as Leela.

My contribution is that I wrote/adapted the 'Lost Story' The Valley Of Death based on an outline by former Doctor Who producer Philip Hinchcliffe. I also performed script-editing chores on The Wrath Of The Iceni and The Oseidon Adventure. A brief account of the recording of The Valley Of Death can be found here.



The entire series of new audios can be pre-ordered here (or here for download-only) and the Lost Stories box-set (which includes 'The Valley of Death') can be pre-ordered here (or here for download-only). There are also discounts for buying both together, which can be found here.

Here Is The News

As a little follow-on from my previous post, here's a news report on the event made by Ed Stradling. It's more factually accurate and better-put-together than the BBC's own reports.

Underwater Love

On Sunday went to Missing Believed Wiped where, as I’m sure anyone reading this knows, they showed the recently-recovered Doctor Who episode The Underwater Menace part two and a clip from the also recently-recovered Doctor Who episode Galaxy 4 part three. Of which more later. But those weren’t the only things they showed.

The reason why I’d originally been excited about the event, before I may have heard a rumour and been sworn to secrecy, was that it would include a long-long Dennis Potter play, Emergency Ward 9, first broadcast in 1966. The play’s story editor Kenith Trodd introduced it, but with caveats; it was written in a rush, it was from a different time where racism was more commonplace. I think, actually, the play is much better than he thinks it is. It’s essentially about two men in adjoining bates, Mr Flanders and Mr Padstow, and we follow them over a few days in a typical NHS hospital. The only part of the story that didn’t ring true was the wealth black character; if he’s so wealthy, why is he in an NHS ward? The death of a patient asking repeatedly for a ‘cuppa tea’ was pretty tough viewing; this, and some other parts of the play (including the use of archive music) turned up in a rewritten form in The Singing Detective 20 years later. It was a funny, moving and in places ‘angry’ play; much better than some of the dull tat he was knocking out for LWT a few years later.

We were also shown some adverts and music clips with puppets, which were amusing enough, and a rather stiff play from the 50’s starring Andre Morrell, a supposedly but not actually true story about an allied soldier having plastic surgery so that he could take the place of a Nazi officer in Norway.

And then Mark Gatiss introduced the Doctor Who discoveries. It was an incredibly thrilling moment, to see the Hartnell titles on the screen, and then to see a Rill (a monster which fans had previously only been able to see in two grainy photographs) in action, followed by Air Lock, the title of the third episode of Galaxy 4. The Doctor and Vicki are trying to escape from its spaceship, a rather flimsy-looking affair like a geodesic climbing frame. Part of the set breaks off out of shot, but Hartnell carries on regardless. But then Vicki is grabbed by a Chumblie (a robot that resembles a stack of upturned colanders) and we get to see that Chumblies have arms and guns and little lights. We then cut to a scene of Maaga, leader of the Drahvins, discussing the artificial genetically-modified nature of the Drahvin race, most of which was delivered as a soliloquy to camera. And then the picture cut out. Just as it was getting exciting.

The Underwater Menace part two was no less fascinating. It’s Patrick Troughton’s earliest surviving performance as the Doctor, and as such is more gimmicky and comedic than what would come later. My mum once told me how annoying he was to begin with, because he’d just sit and play his bloody recorder all the time, and yet until now we’ve never had a clip of Troughton doing just that*; I also suspect that this episode is so early in his run that he’s still wearing a wig over his own hair. He’s also still very much in the wearing-silly-hats –whenever-he-can stage. What was surprising was how dark the episode was, how seriously it was all taken (given that the plot and dialogue are both pure comic strip). The story’s villain, Professor Zaroff, is supposed to be mad, and seeing Joseph Furst’s performance in this episode puts his increasing mania in episode three (which has long-since existed) into context; it also makes more sense of the politics and religion of the Atlantean people. It was also lovely to see more of Ben, Polly and Jamie (Jamie still wearing his highlander outfit from his first story). The only major disappointment is that I’d expected to see a shot of Zaroff’s pet octopus, but alas, no octopus was forthcoming. But it was a surprisingly strong episode; the darkness and cavernous echo giving it a real sense of claustrophobia, of it all taking place deep below ground, where a whole society is slowly going stir crazy. It’s still a daft, random, clunkily-written story, but the joy is in seeing Patrick Troughton working with what dialogue he’s given, playing against it, or weighing up his moments carefully, and creating a believable, magical performance, not so much with the words but through his mannerisms and expressions. Even if he does play that bloody recorder.

The second half of Missing Believed Wiped wasn’t nearly so much fun. I should have just gone to the bar.

After about half of the audience had left, Dick Fiddy took to the stage to remind people that they shouldn’t record stuff shown on the big screen. A reminder which might have been more effective before half the audience had left. But then it was on with the show...

First there were some clips from Oh Boy! An episode of the show has recently been found, but what seems to have happened is that someone has appropriated the footage in the hope of getting their Oh Boy! documentary off the ground, so rather than seeing the recovered footage in situ, instead we only got to see his trailer for his prospective documentary (which largely comprised of footage not from the recovered episode). I’m not keen on people trying to further their careers by interpolating themselves between recovered footage and people getting to see it. So rather than the footage of one of Cliff Richard’s earliest TV performance being made available for, say, a documentary about Cliff Richard, it seems either it will only see the light of day as part of some guy's documentary on Oh Boy! or not at all. Which seems counter to the spirit of Missing Believed Wiped – this stuff should be made available to as many people who want to see it, not hoarded or hidden or with an agenda attached.

Next up was an episode of The Rolf Harris Show. It was 45 minutes of sheer torture. I suppose it could be argued it has some historical merit – if nothing else it makes you appreciate how much better Lulu and Dusty Springfield’s shows were from the same time – and it was interesting to note that even when they were young, the Beverley Sisters looked like they were in their late 50s - but it was excruciating to sit through. As was the following ‘recovery’, a recording of a guitar festival from 1984. I put recovery in quotation marks because this concert was never actually missing, it was barely even broadcast in the first place (only being shown on a satellite channel that no-one could pick up) and has been retained in an indie's archive ever since.

What baffles me about this is that the people going to Missing Believed Wiped were only shown a measly 5 minutes of Galaxy 4, a recovery which will bring delight to thousands of people, and which made the national news, because the organisers thought it was more important to show 45 minutes of The Rolf Harris Show and a guitar festival from 1984.

Edit: Alternatively, they could have dropped the 50's play, as it hadn't been mentioned in publicity and, given the howls of derision with which it was greeted, I don't think it would have been missed.

Now, I’m not saying those things aren’t important in their own way, of course they are, but if the BFI's attitude to what gets shown at Missing Believed Wiped reflects their priorities regarding what they decide to keep and what they chuck then I worry. Unless, of course, it wasn’t their decision to make, and the fact that they could only show 5 minutes of Galaxy 4 was because of the owner of the footage or the BBC or for technical reasons.

But even so, I think there could be more flexibility in what gets show at Missing Believed Wiped. It’s not as if the programme is announced in advance. The publicity makes it clear 'As per normal not all the content of the day is verified at the time of going to press'. If you have a year in which lots of TV shows have turned up, but not many musical performances, don’t allocate TV shows and musical performances equal running time. Because, quite frankly, sitting through The Rolf Harris Show my attitude was that it should be chucked right back in the skip. I don't bedgrudge some highlights being shown, but the whole 45 mins? And the same goes for the guitar festival from 1984. The programme selection of Missing Believed Wiped should better reflect what the people paying to see the footage might actually be interested in and not the whims and personal tastes of the organisers. I mean, I was delighted to see the footage of David Bowie performing Jean Genie on Top of the Pops, but to play it twice? When you could be showing something else (like the rest of Galaxy 4 part three)? Because, I think, if the people paying to go to Missing Believed Wiped keep on being subjected to stuff like The Rolf Harris Show or a guitar festival from 1984 when there’s so much other more interesting and entertaining stuff turning up that could and should be shown (such as a whole edition of Top Of The Pops from 1976) then they’ll stop paying to go to Missing Believed Wiped. The event should be a showcase for gems from the past, not a feat of endurance.

Oh, I know I'm being greedy, I'm just annoyed that they didn't show all of Galaxy 4 part three. Because that would've been fantastic.

See blogs on previous Missing Believed Wipeds here, here and here.

* I have since been reminded that he does in The Abominable Snowmen part two.