The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Sunday, 26 August 2018

You Know Where You Went Wrong

This article was written in 2012 for Doctor Who Magazine issue 447.
THE DALEKS’ MASTERPLANS

The other morning, I was out in my garden when I discovered some strange alien cubes at the bottom of the lawn. Picking them up, I discovered that they contained a number of Top Secret internal memos from Dalek Space Command that had somehow escaped the ravages of the Time War. And so, for the first time, DWM presents the Daleks’ own guide to their greatest schemes...

OPERATION NEUTRON BOMB
OBJECTIVES:
Win Thal war. Become masters of planet Skaro.
BACKGROUND:
Arrival of mysterious traveller known as Doctor gave us an opportunity to obtain a sample of drug used by Thals to become immune to radiation and survive neutronic war. This drug could then be duplicated to give us immunity to radiation so we could emerge from our city. 
OUTCOMES:
Sample of Thal anti-radiation drug was successfully obtained and tested on Dalek sections two and three. Daleks in section three began spinning on spot whilst screaming ‘Help! Cannot control!’ and making very dubious groaning noises. Section two recovered after being exposure to radiation. We deduced that we had become conditioned to radiation and would need to explode another neutron bomb to survive. However, we realised it would take too long to construct so we chose to bombard atmosphere with radiation from our nuclear reactors. Project failed due to arrival of Thals who had gained access to our city via water pipe tunnels and knocked out our supply of static electricity.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not trust Doctor. Only test drugs on one Dalek at a time. Always keep a spare neutron bomb for emergencies. Always check that construction work has been completed satisfactorily and that builders have not left gaping holes that people can climb through. Develop new power source so we are not reliant on static electricity (also: makes us smell of dodgem cars). In brief: Try to cover all eventualities.
LOGIC RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION EARTH
OBJECTIVE:
Invade Earth and replace its magnetic core with a power system so we can pilot it around universe.
BACKGROUND:
We invaded Earth after bombarding planet with meteorites carrying a plague. Surviving humans were converted into Robomen or used as slave labour in mine workings. Daleks were fitted with dishes to draw energy from power masts and ordered to patrol all areas (including major rivers). 
OUTCOMES:
Invasion of Earth initially total success. Two chimneys of Battersea Power Station demolished and all remaining London landmarks marked with Dalek symbols. Doctor successfully located by Dalek river patrol (all doubts about efficacy of river patrols now dispelled). However, Doctor reached mine workings and blew up our power mast rendering us immobile. His female companion impersonated Dalek and ordered Robomen to fight us, while his male companion diverted our fissure capsule so it was no longer in mine shaft when it exploded.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Make Robotisation intelligence test less cryptic. Re-evaluate security at mine workings; “Slyther” laughably ineffective. Develop radio control that is not voice-activated as Daleks are too easy to impersonate. Improve fissure capsule sensors so we can tell if it has not gone down bomb shaft. Develop independent power source (this is still our weak spot!). In brief: complacency is our own worst enemy. (Apart from the Doctor, who must be exterminated. Suggest making that a priority from now on!) Also reconsider objective of piloting Earth around universe; surely there must be something else we can do with it?
LOGIC RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS RATING: 8/10

OPERATION DOCTOR
OBJECTIVE:
Exterminate Doctor.
BACKGROUND:
We located Doctor’s TARDIS and Dalek Supreme ordered an assassination group to pursue it in our time machine. We also created a robot duplicate of Doctor to infiltrate his party.
OUTCOMES:
TARDIS tracked to planet Aridius. We captured it but it proved indestructible. Doctor managed to overpower Dalek guard and escape in TARDIS. We followed it to Earth in year 1966 where we encountered a ‘hillbilly’, then to an ocean vessel in year 1872 and a haunted house in year 1996. Doctor duplicate was finally utilised on planet Mechanus but one of Doctor’s companions had sneaked on board our time machine and saw through deception. Doctor was captured by Mechons and so we engaged them in battle. Doctor used diversion to escape and capture our time machine, sending it to Earth in 1965 for destruction.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Dalek ‘sand’ patrols are not as effective as river patrols. In future leave more than one Dalek on guard outside TARDIS. Daleks should treat cries of ‘Yoo hoo, auntie!’ with suspicion as they may lead to attempts to incapacitate them using casual knitwear. Suggest follow-up to locate and kill 1966 hillbilly. Improve security in next time machine to avoid people wandering on board. Robot Doctor was totally convincing but given that our mission was to kill Doctor perhaps a robot of one of his companions might have been more effective. In brief: think things through a bit more.
LOGIC RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION ALLIANCE
OBJECTIVE:
Form a great alliance.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek Supreme established a city on planet Kembel and invited six delegates from outer galaxies to join forces with us in our conquest of Earth.
OUTCOMES:
Delegates landed on Kembel without incident. We also detected arrival of a rocket ship from Earth. Ship was located and destroyed. Two of its crew were already dead after having transformed into Varga plants. Third was exterminated before he could transmit a warning message.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Varga plants are an extremely effective security measure. Dalek security is utterly infallible (though possibly reconsider idea of broadcasting contents of secret meetings over loudspeaker). Delegates should be provided with name-badges or place cards as it is hard to tell which is which. Except for delegate Malpha who is paranoid and has very poor grasp of galactic geography. Must tell him Daleks are not from Solar System. In brief: victory is assured! 
LOGIC RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS RATING: 10/10

OPERATION TIME DESTRUCTOR
OBJECTIVE:
Conquer Earth and all planets in Solar System using Time Destructor.
BACKGROUND:
Guardian of Solar System, Mavic Chen, has agreed to join our alliance and will provide us with an emm of Taranium which is vital ingredient of Time Destructor.
OUTCOMES:
TARDIS discovered by Dalek patrol in jungle of planet Kembel. Dalek Supreme ordered entire jungle to be set alight. Mavic Chen arrived on Kembel and was just delivering Taranium when alarm was sounded. During much consternation from delegates one of them absconded with Taranium core. This turned out to be Doctor wearing a big cloak. He escaped in Mavic Chen’s space vessel and was pursued to Desperus, Earth and Mira before returning to Kembel. Doctor returned Taranium core and escaped in TARDIS. Taranium core was revealed to be fake so a Dalek task force was ordered to pursue TARDIS. Taranium was eventually retrieved in Ancient Egypt. We imprisoned delegates (including Mavic Chen) but they were freed by Doctor’s companions. Chen brought companions to us as captives. We exterminated him but while we were doing this Doctor sneaked in, activated Time Destructor and escaped with it. We attempted pursuit but were destroyed by effects of time reversal.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Dalek security is not utterly infallible (Doctor and his companions managed to enter city on Kembel on three occasions). Varga plants are not an effective security measure if you set light to jungle. Do not trust human politicians when they are part of a coalition; if they are willing to betray their own kind, they will betray us. Make sure Daleks are properly briefed to recognise Doctor and TARDIS. In particular, we should have checked that Taraniun core was genuine at earliest opportunity. Do not bother forming great alliances. Delegates clutter up conference room and walk funny and we are only going to exterminate them anyway. (Suggest follow-up to locate and kill Celation and Beaus as soon as we have worked out which ones they were.) In brief: pay more attention to detail.
LOGIC RATING: 7/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION VULCAN
OBJECTIVE:
Conquer and destroy colony on planet Vulcan.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek space capsule crashed in mercury swamp and remained dormant for two hundred years until excavated by humans. We must convince humans to give us power so we can increase our numbers and lay cables to generate static circuit so we can go anywhere in colony.
OUTCOMES:
Reactivated Dalek persuaded scientist Lesterson that it was his servant and demonstrated intelligence by answering chemistry and physics questions. Offered to build a computer to detect meteorite storms and was granted power supply. Gained trust of Deputy Governor by serving him liquid and agreeing to assist with coup. Activated Dalek production line and began laying cables as “emergency power supply”. Waited for humans to destroy each other but then decided to start exterminating everyone instead. Lesterson sneaked into capsule and was exterminated but this distraction enabled Doctor to overload our power supply and destroy us.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Humans are extremely gullible. They can be impressed with basic science knowledge and will automatically trust anything that offers them accurate weather forecasting and regular liquid refreshment. Suggest all Daleks learn tea-making skills. Humans will always believe you if you tell them what they want to hear and will ignore you if you look like you know what you are doing. Improve independent power source (this is still our weak spot!). Plan would have worked if we had just stayed inside capsule. In brief: Don’t get involved in local politics.

OPERATION DALEK FACTOR
OBJECTIVE:
Isolate Dalek Factor and spread it through entire history of Earth.
BACKGROUND:
Emperor Dalek realised that Daleks are always defeated by human beings and only solution was to turn all humans into Daleks. This would be achieved by spraying atmosphere with Dalek Factor (any Daleks who think this sounds like a perfume are to report to Emperor Dalek for extermination). But to do this we first had to isolate Dalek Factor. To do this we first had to isolate Human Factor. To do this we first had to capture Doctor to conduct research for us in mistaken belief that he could use Human Factor to start rebellion on Skaro. To do this we first had to bring Doctor to laboratory in house of Maxtible in year 1866. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to antique shop of Waterfield in year 1966. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to Tricolour coffee bar. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to warehouse to find Tricolour matchbox. And to do this we first had to locate and steal TARDIS (which we will also need to spread Dalek Factor, which does not sound like a perfume.)
OUTCOMES:
Plan went totally smoothly right up until point where we tried to instil Doctor with Dalek Factor.  Doctor pretended it had worked and Maxtible left him in alone with conversion archway. Doctor switched factors so that when Emperor Dalek ordered all Daleks to pass through archway they received Human Factor. This led to rebellion on Skaro and Final End of Dalek race (temporarily).
LESSONS LEARNED:
Never leave conversion archway unsupervised. We know Doctor is “more than human” so should not have assumed conversion archway would work on him. We should not make elaborate plans based around encouraging Doctor to start rebellions on Skaro. If we need Doctor’s knowledge we should simply capture him rather than luring him with a succession of cryptic clues. In brief: keep things simple. And check availability of www.dalekfactorfragrance.com.
LOGIC RATING: 1/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION PARADOX
OBJECTIVE:
Conquer Earth.
BACKGROUND:
Towards end of twentieth century a series of wars broke out. Seven eighths of human race were destroyed. Daleks invaded and ruled Earth for two centuries.
 (We are uncertain whether this ever took place. Records indicate that we ruled Earth with aid of Ogrons and puppet Controller but records also indicate that this future was averted due to Doctor.)
OUTCOMES:
We discovered that guerrillas had stolen and copied Dalek time machines and used them to travel back to twentieth century time zone in attempt to prevent wars that led to Dalek invasion. Daleks attempted to destroy guerrillas but failed. It turned out that guerrillas were responsible for starting wars so if we had destroyed them then wars would not have broken out and we would not have invaded Earth. With assistance of traitorous Controller, Doctor returned to twentieth century so we followed him to ensure that wars would break out. Our extremely large force proved insufficient and wars were averted so Dalek invasion never actually happened.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Humans are unreliable and not to be trusted. Ogrons are better and have no complications. Time machines should be stored in secure locations. But if guerrillas had not stolen our time machines, then wars would not have broken out and we would not have invaded Earth. So maybe we should let guerrillas steal our time machines after all. In brief: best not to think about it.
LOGIC RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10 or 10/10

OPERATION SPACE WAR
OBJECTIVE:
Become masters of galaxy.
BACKGROUND:
Time Lord Master volunteered to use hypnotic device to incite space war between human and Draconian Empires resulting in their mutual destruction. In return Master offered to rule Earth in our name. Dalek army prepared.
OUTCOMES:
Master failed to incite space war between human and Draconian Empires. He also allowed Doctor to escape and mocked our speech and called us ‘stupid tin boxes’ after forgetting to switch radio off properly.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Master is unreliable, delusional and incompetent. Do not form an alliance with him again. Should he ever become our prisoner he must be put on trial and exterminated by Daleks with speech impediments. In brief: always check CVs of potential employees.
LOGIC RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION SPIRIDON
OBJECTIVE:
Activation of Dalek army.
BACKGROUND:
Refrigeration unit was constructed on planet Spiridon utilising natural ice tunnels and used to keep army of ten thousand Daleks in cold storage. Supreme Council ordered army to be revived (despite failure of Master to incite war.)
OUTCOMES:
Indigenous species called Spiridons subjugated with bacteria and used as slave labour. As they are invisible we ordered them to wear furs and began experiments to master technique of invisibility. Doctor arrived with Thal expedition and disrupted operations. Bacteria bomb was prepared to wipe out every living thing on planet (apart from Daleks and slave workers) but a Spiridon caused bacteria to be released in laboratory. We had to seal laboratory with Section Leader inside it. Supreme Leader arrived to take command. Just as army was being revived Doctor and Thals used bomb to make ice flood into chamber returning them to suspended animation. We have been delayed, not defeated.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Security needs to be improved with particular reference to ice tunnels, ventilation shafts and intruders posing as Daleks. Do not order indigenous species to wear furs that can also be used by Doctor to sneak into our base. Do not keep antidote to bacteria in same laboratory as bacteria. Supreme Leader exterminating Daleks for failures beyond their control is not good for morale. In brief: I can’t help feeling we’re making mistakes we’ve made before. Also: Silver paint really suits us, suggest new look?
LOGIC RATING: 8/10
SUCCESS RATING: 7/10

OPERATION EXXILON
OBJECTIVE:
Obtain Parrinium and use it to force space powers to accede to our demands.
BACKGROUND:
A disease was ravaging colonies on outer worlds. Only a rare chemical called Parrinium could cure and immunise against it. We located world with large supply of Parrinium, Exxilon. We planned to obtain Parrinium and then fire a plague missile to make future landings impossible.
OUTCOMES:
Upon arrival Daleks suffered a total power failure in armament circuits. We reluctantly agreed to co-operate with Doctor and human expedition. We claimed we needed Parrinium because our colonies were suffering same disease. We developed weapons unaffected by energy drain. We then forced inferior species to mine Parrinium. Two Daleks entered ancient city in pursuit of Doctor but were forced to evacuate. We ordered destruction of beacon of city. This ended energy drain. Our ship took off but was destroyed by a human who had sneaked on board with an explosive charge.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Primitive energy weapons are moderately efficient. Humans will always believe hard luck stories. Improve security on Dalek ship. Improve eyesight to spot humans not placing charges on beacon as ordered. Daleks are extremely good at logic puzzles and simple mazes but are forced to resort to cheating at hopscotch. Self-destructing at first sign of failure does not encourage personal growth and may explain our inability to learn from past mistakes. In brief: time to go back to square one?
LOGIC RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS RATING: 1/10

OPERATION CREATION
OBJECTIVES:
Win Thal war. Ensure survival of Kaled race. Become supreme being and ultimate conqueror of universe.
BACKGROUND:
Davros, chief scientist of Elite Scientific Corps, devised a ‘travel machine’ for creature Kaled race will evolve into. Travel machine was called ‘Dalek’ (Davros inspired by label on spine of encyclopaedia). Dalek was genetically conditioned to become dominant species through removal of conscience, ethics and pity.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor arrived on a mission from Time Lords to avert our creation or affect genetic development. Doctor attempted to blow up incubation room but failed due to moral crisis. Doctor left wires on floor and passing Dalek accidentally completed circuit and blew up incubation room instead. Davros betrayed Kaled race by giving Thals chemical formula to destroy Kaled dome. Kaled race now wiped out. Doctor destroyed tape recordings giving reasons for future Dalek defeats. Davros exterminated after attempting to blow up bunker. We are entombed but we live on.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros (suggest follow-up to check whether he is actually dead or whether secondary life-support is keeping his body in a state of suspension). Expand vocabulary bank to include ‘pity’; even if Daleks have been genetically conditioned not to possess that quality it is still useful to be able to look things up. Improve floor insulation. Always back-up anything important. When designing bunkers include an emergency exit. In brief: start as you mean to go on.
LOGIC RATING: 10/10
SUCCESS RATING: 7/10

OPERATION RECOVER DAVROS
OBJECTIVES:
Rescue Davros. Win Movellan War.
BACKGROUND:
Our battle fleet was caught in a logical impasse trying to outmanoeuvre Movellan battle fleet so Supreme Dalek ordered a mission to Skaro to recover Davros (on off-chance he was still alive) so he could reprogram our battle computers. A human labour force was assigned to do clearing up.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor located Davros first and forced him to order us to release slave workers. We obeyed. We then recovered Davros and he agreed to reprogram our battle computers. However Davros was concerned that Doctor would do same for Movellans and so despatched Dalek force armed with explosives to destroy Movellan ship. Dalek force did not deviate but failed to reach ship due to humans fighting back and Davros setting off explosives prematurely (Davros blames Doctor for this). Dalek force completely destroyed and Davros captured by humans.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros. When organising recovery missions make sure a Deep Space Cruiser is available for immediate departure and not six hours away. Improve elevation technology as Doctor seems to be under impression that we cannot climb stairs. Do not use humans as slave workers. They may be adaptable but they are unreliable. From now on avoid delegating tasks to inferior beings if possible. In brief: if a job’s worth doing, do it yourself.
LOGIC RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION EXTERMINATE
OBJECTIVE:
Exterminate Doctor.
BACKGROUND:
Having found itself transported to a mirror maze in Death Zone on Gallifrey, Dalek encountered Doctor and engaged in pursuit.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor pushed Dalek down alley and it was destroyed by reflections of its own laser beam.
LESSONS LEARNED:
It is very dangerous to fire energy weapons in an enclosed space.
LOGIC RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION RESCUE DAVROS
OBJECTIVES:
Rescue Davros. Find cure for Movellan virus. Win Time War.
BACKGROUND:
After our fleet was destroyed by Movellan virus, Supreme Dalek initiated a mission to liberate Davros from prison so that he could develop a cure. Mission was delegated to a psychopathic mercenary called Lytton. (Note: Branding insisted that Dalek hats be worn by all subcontractors). Health and safety advised that any samples of virus should be stored in a secure off-site location. Supreme Dalek also ordered creation of a time corridor to trap Doctor so we could make duplicates of Doctor and his companions and send them to Gallifrey to assassinate members of High Council.
OUTCOMES:
Davros refused to leave prison and instead of developing a cure, he brainwashed several Daleks to create a private army and released virus into Dalek ship. Lytton failed to secure prison and left self-destruct chamber insufficiently guarded. ‘Secure off-site location’ turned out to be warehouse in a highly-populated city where virus containers were mistaken for unexploded bombs. Duplication of Doctor abandoned due to duplicate agent left in charge overcoming his Dalek conditioning.  Other Dalek duplicates remain in strategic positions on Earth - suggest follow-up.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros. In particular, do not give him access to lethal viruses. If you have a Dalek Battle Cruiser available for swift departure, use it. Do not delegate missions to psychopathic mercenaries. They are unreliable. Do not leave Dalek agents to perform duplications unsupervised. They are also unreliable. Do not try to trap Doctor during hazardous rescue missions. In brief: concentrate on one thing at a time. And lose the hats.
LOGIC RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS RATING: 2/10

OPERATION CAPTURE DAVROS
OBJECTIVES:
Capture Davros. Recondition his Daleks to obey Supreme Dalek.
BACKGROUND:
Supreme Dalek was contacted by human Takis. He informed us that Davros was on planet Necros working under alias ‘Great Healer’ and was turning Tranquil Repose facility into breeding ground for Daleks using bodies held in cryogenic storage. A group of Daleks was despatched to bring Davros to Skaro to stand trial.
OUTCOMES:
Davros successfully located and captured. It appears we arrived in aftermath of a disturbance as on way to Davros’ laboratory we passed piles of corpses in Chapel of Rest, in radio studio, in catacombs and in laboratory itself. We also passed remains of an incubation room. Having removed Davros a Dalek was left on guard in laboratory with man identified as Doctor. We did not believe it was him until Tranquil Repose facility exploded shortly after we left resulting in destruction of all of Davros’ Daleks.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros but if he identifies a man in colourful coat standing in room full of corpses as Doctor it is worth serious consideration. When given opportunity Davros is likely to attempt to create his own Daleks and concoct elaborate plan to lure Doctor to investigate. He is also likely to have fermented suspicion and rebellion amongst his employees and to have made many enemies that intend to destroy him. Therefore we arrived at correct moment to take advantage of ensuing carnage. In brief: Sometimes things sort themselves out by themselves.
LOGIC RATING: 4/10
SUCCESS RATING: 8/10

OPERATION HAND OF OMEGA
OBJECTIVES:
Acquire Hand Of Omega and use it to win Time War and become Lords of Time.
BACKGROUND:
Davros was made Emperor Dalek. Imperial Dalek race was improved with mechanical prostheses and made Skaro their home planet. Unmodified Renegade Daleks remained active. Davros led mission to Earth in year 1963 to recover Remote Stellar Manipulator known as Hand of Omega which Doctor had carelessly left behind.
OUTCOMES:
We detected Hand of Omega but Renegade Daleks were already on Earth and captured it. Davros sent an assault shuttle down to Earth because our transmat was no longer operational due to vandalism. Imperial Daleks engaged Renegade Daleks in battle and recovered Hand of Omega. While we were away Doctor broke into our shuttle and vandalised it.  But we returned to mothership with Hand of Omega. Goaded by Doctor, Davros activated Omega device and it vaporised Skaro and our mothership.
LESSONS LEARNED:
When discovering Doctor he must be exterminated at once. Although it is fun to chase him up stairs it creates an unnecessary delay. Improve defences on Dalek shuttles to include service hatch on top. If you leave anything unattended in east London it will get vandalised. Do not trust Davros with new gadgets until you have checked they are not programmed to turn our sun into a supernova. In brief: always read the manual first. Also: Special Weapons Dalek is cool.
LOGIC RATING: 8/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10
OPERATION REGENERATION
OBJECTIVE:
Receive orders.
BACKGROUND:
After Time War last surviving Dalek fell to Earth and was imprisoned by Van Statten. Dalek was severely damaged and its weapon was inoperable. Only if it came into contact with a time traveller could it initiate cellular reconstruction.
OUTCOMES:
Dalek was visited by Doctor who attempted to destroy it and was ejected. Dalek was then visited by Rose and informed her it was dying. Rose placed hand on dome. Dalek extrapolated biomass and escaped from cell. It then drained power of entire West Coast in order to restore gold paintwork and weapon and downloaded entire internet. Dalek then ascended through bunker killing everything in its path, particularly anyone who mocked its sucker arm or ability to ascend stairs. But then Dalek discovered it had been contaminated by Rose’s DNA and was mutating into a human so it ordered Rose to order it to self-destruct.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Doctor has survivor issues. Humans will always believe hard luck stories. Do not download entire internet again; it is full of pictures of cats and conspiracy theories about moon landings and once you have downloaded iTunes you will be constantly pestered with new updates. Rotating midriff and forcefield proved highly effective. However, mission terminated due to contact with human having unintended side-effects. In brief: If you are going to be intimate with a total stranger, remember to take precautions.
LOGIC RATING: 7/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION GAME STATION
OBJECTIVE:
Purify Earth with fire.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek Emperor (not Davros, a different one) survived Time War. He rebuilt Dalek fleet and quietly infiltrated Earth systems to harvest waste of humanity and turn them into Daleks (any Daleks who think this means we are all now half human are to report to Dalek Emperor for extermination for blasphemy.)
OUTCOMES
Initial strategy using Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe proved ineffective. Alternative strategy using Game Shows was much more successful. In fact humans did not think anything untoward about contestants being executed and they were a ratings smash. However, our puppet Controller transmatted Doctor into Game Station. Dalek Emperor ordered us to invade Earth. Doctor attempted to destroy us with Delta Wave but was not prepared to sacrifice Earth but then Rose arrived in TARDIS with entire Time Vortex in her head and she destroyed our fleet and Dalek Emperor.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not delegate tasks to inferior beings, particularly ones we cannot pronounce. Inhumanity and cruelty of Dalek race is nothing in comparison to Game Shows. Do not use humans as Controllers as they always prove traitorous and spread lies about us fearing Doctor. There are few more intimidating enemies than Anne Robinson. Doctor is a self-confessed coward. Dalek Emperor’s competence was compromised by delusions of divinity and we were defeated by a literal deus ex machina which seems unfair. In brief: Steer clear of religion in future.
LOGIC RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS RATING: 2/10

OPERATION GENESIS ARK
OBJECTIVE:
Open Genesis Ark.
BACKGROUND:
Last four Daleks in existence are Cult of Skaro; Dalek Thay, Dalek Sek, Dalek Jast and Dalek Caan. We survived Time War by using Sphere to retreat into Void. Before we departed we obtained Time Lord Genesis Ark. Genesis Ark is a prison ship containing millions of Daleks but requires contact with a time traveller to open.
OUTCOMES:
Sphere returned from Void but left a hole in universe. Inferior species known as Cybermen used cracks to break through from parallel universe. Cult of Skaro emerged from Sphere with Genesis Ark. We extracted information about Torchwood Institute from human Rajesh. Cybermen tricked us into identifying ourselves and proposed an alliance. We declared war on them instead. Rose refused to activate Ark but human Mickey fell on it by accident and Genesis Ark opened. Dalek army emerged and began extermination but were sucked into Void due to being covered in ‘Void Stuff’. Cult of Skaro escaped using emergency temporal shift.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Institute known as Torchwood is ‘dark, wild and sexy and The X-Files meets This Life’. Avoid referring to ourselves in third person as it reveals our identity to inferior species. Out of Daleks and Cybermen, Daleks are supreme. It is not always necessary to force humans to do our bidding; some humans are so clumsy they will do it anyway. Daleks would have been victorious if we had not been covered in ‘Void Stuff’. In brief: pay more attention to personal hygiene.
LOGIC RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION EVOLUTION
OBJECTIVE:
Evolve Daleks into new race.
BACKGROUND:
Cult of Skaro constructed base under Empire State Building. Dalek Sec believed Dalek race had failed and would have to adapt to survive. We would have to become human Daleks.
OUTCOMES:
Dalek Sec designated human Diagoras as best option for experiment and volunteered to become first human Dalek. Rest of Cult of Skaro were worried that this contradicted Dalek imperative but allowed experiment to go ahead. Dalek Sec became hideous hybrid. We located Doctor and were about to exterminate him when Dalek Sec ordered us take him alive. Dalek Sec wanted Doctor to assist with Final Experiment creating human Dalek race using Dalek Sec as genetic template. Rest of Cult of Skaro decided that one Dalek Sec was more than enough and that new Dalek race should be one hundred per-cent Dalek. Doctor added his own DNA and resulting hybrids had to be destroyed. Dalek Caan used emergency temporal shift.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not conduct dangerous genetic experiments on yourself. Do not conduct dangerous genetic experiments without agreement of  all members of Cult of Skaro. If you have opportunity to kill Doctor, do so. Really. Just kill him. Do not explain plans to him in great detail and expect him to help out. Never mention Pig Slaves or Dalek Sec ever again or you will be exterminated. In brief: thinking outside the box is good but you can go too far. Also: Humans and Daleks don’t mix.
LOGIC RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS RATING: 2/10

OPERATION REALITY BOMB
OBJECTIVE:
Destruction of reality itself.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek Caan’s emergency temporal shift sent him back to Time War where he saved Davros. Davros recreated Dalek race from cells of his own body and conceived of ultimate weapon: a Reality Bomb. By aligning twenty-seven planets correctly we can flatten a string of z-Neutrinos and dissolve every form of matter (this also finally finds use for planet Earth!). We will shelter from cataclysm in Crucible and emerge as only life forms in existence.
OUTCOMES:
Planet Earth successfully stolen, aligned and invaded. We exterminated Harriet Jones (former Prime Minister) and mounted attack on Torchwood but it was protected by Time Bubble. A Dalek on patrol spotted Doctor and exterminated him on sight but he survived. We took him and his companions prisoner and placed them in holding cells in Crucible Vault. Reality Bomb was prepared for detonation but somehow attempting to exterminate Doctor had resulted in creation of second Doctor and companion Donna with Doctor’s mind. Donna deactivated holding cells and second Doctor destroyed us by maximising our power feeds. Dalek Caan admitted this was his plan all along.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Dalek Caan is unreliable and not to be trusted. Daleks speak very good German. We have successfully overcome embarrassing ‘my vision is impaired’ weakness. Torchwood not as dark, wild and sexy as we thought it would be. Automatically exterminating Doctor on sight may not be such a good idea after all.  We need to improve power source so we cannot all be destroyed by having our power feeds maximised (this is still our weak spot!) In brief: time to reconsider our whole approach.
LOGIC RATING: 7/10
SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION PROJENITOR
OBJECTIVE:
Create new Dalek paradigm.
BACKGROUND:
One Dalek ship survived and picked up a trace of a Progenitor Device containing pure Dalek DNA. However, Progenitor Device did not recognise us so we needed testimony from Doctor. To do this we first needed to create situation where Doctor would identify a Dalek. To do this we first needed to find someone who could summon Doctor: Winston Churchill was obvious candidate. But first we needed to get close to him so we constructed android Bracewell who could claim to be our creator. And just in case anything went wrong Bracewell was also a bomb.
OUTCOME:
We made sure that we seemed too good to be true with our expert tea-making skills and Churchill summoned Doctor but Doctor did not turn up. Eventually after a month he did finally arrive by which point we were heartily sick of serving tea. Doctor then fell into our cunning trap and identified us as Daleks. Progenitor Device constructed new Dalek paradigm. Humans attacked us with spitfires fitted with gravity bubbles by Bracewell. We forced Doctor to call off attack by threatening to detonate Bracewell. Doctor returned to stop Bracewell from exploding by convincing him he was human. We returned to our own time, utterly victorious!
LESSONS LEARNED:
Do not give androids ability to build weapons that can be used against us. Also explode bombs at earliest opportunity rather than messing about switching on lights and make sure bombs cannot be deactivated by reminiscing about non-existent love affairs. But on the whole, plan was total success. In brief: sometimes things work out even better than expected.
LOGIC RATING: 2/10
SUCCESS RATING: 10/10

OPERATION PANDORICA
OBJECTIVE:
Save universe.
BACKGROUND:
Future projections indicated that Doctor would destroy universe by causing cracks in time. This had to be prevented and so Daleks formed an alliance with Cybermen, Sontarans, Nestenes, Judoon (no, we do not know why they were there either) and others to create a trap for Doctor. We constructed Panordica prison based on his companion’s memories. (We considered exterminating him but decided against it based on recent experience). Doctor would not be able to escape Pandorica without breaking fundamental law of cause and effect.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor escaped Pandorica by breaking fundamental law of cause and effect. Doctor did not cause cracks in time but imprisoning him resulted in whole universe ceasing ever to have existed. This meant rest of alliance ceased to exist but one Dalek remained. Dalek realised it would have to save universe so it did this by prompting Doctor to notice that Pandorica contained a restoration field which could be used to reboot whole of reality. Dalek then mortally wounded Doctor to encourage him to make heroic act of self-sacrifice and created a diversion to allow him to return to Pandorica. Doctor then departed to save universe while Dalek was shot by an ungrateful River Song.
LESSONS LEARNED:
Even when a Dalek is responsible for saving universe it will never get credit. Imprisoning Doctor was an error but one entirely due to other members of alliance overruling our idea about exterminating him. Do not form alliances with inferior species in future. Doctor is unreliable and not to be trusted, not even with laws of time. Even when all other races were wiped from history one Dalek still remained. This proves we are the superior beings. In brief; we are the ultimate saviours of the universe!
LOGIC RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS RATING: 10/10

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