You Know Where You Went Wrong

This article was written in 2012 for Doctor Who Magazine issue 447.

THE DALEKS’ MASTERPLANS

The other morning, I was out in my garden when I discovered some strange alien cubes at the bottom of the lawn. Picking them up, I discovered that they contained a number of Top Secret internal memos from Dalek Space Command that had somehow escaped the ravages of the Time War. And so, for the first time, DWM presents the Daleks’ own guide to their greatest schemes...

OPERATION NEUTRON BOMB

OBJECTIVES:

Win Thal war. Become masters of planet Skaro.

BACKGROUND:

Arrival of mysterious traveller known as Doctor gave us an opportunity to obtain a sample of drug used by Thals to become immune to radiation and survive neutronic war. This drug could then be duplicated to give us immunity to radiation so we could emerge from our city. 

OUTCOMES:

Sample of Thal anti-radiation drug was successfully obtained and tested on Dalek sections two and three. Daleks in section three began spinning on spot whilst screaming ‘Help! Cannot control!’ and making very dubious groaning noises. Section two recovered after being exposure to radiation. We deduced that we had become conditioned to radiation and would need to explode another neutron bomb to survive. However, we realised it would take too long to construct so we chose to bombard atmosphere with radiation from our nuclear reactors. Project failed due to arrival of Thals who had gained access to our city via water pipe tunnels and knocked out our supply of static electricity.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not trust Doctor. Only test drugs on one Dalek at a time. Always keep a spare neutron bomb for emergencies. Always check that construction work has been completed satisfactorily and that builders have not left gaping holes that people can climb through. Develop new power source so we are not reliant on static electricity (also: makes us smell of dodgem cars). In brief: Try to cover all eventualities.

LOGIC RATING: 9/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION EARTH

OBJECTIVE:

Invade Earth and replace its magnetic core with a power system so we can pilot it around universe.

BACKGROUND:

We invaded Earth after bombarding planet with meteorites carrying a plague. Surviving humans were converted into Robomen or used as slave labour in mine workings. Daleks were fitted with dishes to draw energy from power masts and ordered to patrol all areas (including major rivers). 

OUTCOMES:

Invasion of Earth initially total success. Two chimneys of Battersea Power Station demolished and all remaining London landmarks marked with Dalek symbols. Doctor successfully located by Dalek river patrol (all doubts about efficacy of river patrols now dispelled). However, Doctor reached mine workings and blew up our power mast rendering us immobile. His female companion impersonated Dalek and ordered Robomen to fight us, while his male companion diverted our fissure capsule so it was no longer in mine shaft when it exploded.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Make Robotisation intelligence test less cryptic. Re-evaluate security at mine workings; “Slyther” laughably ineffective. Develop radio control that is not voice-activated as Daleks are too easy to impersonate. Improve fissure capsule sensors so we can tell if it has not gone down bomb shaft. Develop independent power source (this is still our weak spot!). In brief: complacency is our own worst enemy. (Apart from the Doctor, who must be exterminated. Suggest making that a priority from now on!) Also reconsider objective of piloting Earth around universe; surely there must be something else we can do with it?

LOGIC RATING: 6/10

SUCCESS RATING: 8/10

OPERATION DOCTOR

OBJECTIVE:

Exterminate Doctor.

BACKGROUND:

We located Doctor’s TARDIS and Dalek Supreme ordered an assassination group to pursue it in our time machine. We also created a robot duplicate of Doctor to infiltrate his party.

OUTCOMES:

TARDIS tracked to planet Aridius. We captured it but it proved indestructible. Doctor managed to overpower Dalek guard and escape in TARDIS. We followed it to Earth in year 1966 where we encountered a ‘hillbilly’, then to an ocean vessel in year 1872 and a haunted house in year 1996. Doctor duplicate was finally utilised on planet Mechanus but one of Doctor’s companions had sneaked on board our time machine and saw through deception. Doctor was captured by Mechons and so we engaged them in battle. Doctor used diversion to escape and capture our time machine, sending it to Earth in 1965 for destruction.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Dalek ‘sand’ patrols are not as effective as river patrols. In future leave more than one Dalek on guard outside TARDIS. Daleks should treat cries of ‘Yoo hoo, auntie!’ with suspicion as they may lead to attempts to incapacitate them using casual knitwear. Suggest follow-up to locate and kill 1966 hillbilly. Improve security in next time machine to avoid people wandering on board. Robot Doctor was totally convincing but given that our mission was to kill Doctor perhaps a robot of one of his companions might have been more effective. In brief: think things through a bit more.

LOGIC RATING: 3/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION ALLIANCE

OBJECTIVE:

Form a great alliance.

BACKGROUND:

Dalek Supreme established a city on planet Kembel and invited six delegates from outer galaxies to join forces with us in our conquest of Earth.

OUTCOMES:

Delegates landed on Kembel without incident. We also detected arrival of a rocket ship from Earth. Ship was located and destroyed. Two of its crew were already dead after having transformed into Varga plants. Third was exterminated before he could transmit a warning message.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Varga plants are an extremely effective security measure. Dalek security is utterly infallible (though possibly reconsider idea of broadcasting contents of secret meetings over loudspeaker). Delegates should be provided with name-badges or place cards as it is hard to tell which is which. Except for delegate Malpha who is paranoid and has very poor grasp of galactic geography. Must tell him Daleks are not from Solar System. In brief: victory is assured! 

LOGIC RATING: 9/10

SUCCESS RATING: 10/10

OPERATION TIME DESTRUCTOR

OBJECTIVE:

Conquer Earth and all planets in Solar System using Time Destructor.

BACKGROUND:

Guardian of Solar System, Mavic Chen, has agreed to join our alliance and will provide us with an emm of Taranium which is vital ingredient of Time Destructor.

OUTCOMES:

TARDIS discovered by Dalek patrol in jungle of planet Kembel. Dalek Supreme ordered entire jungle to be set alight. Mavic Chen arrived on Kembel and was just delivering Taranium when alarm was sounded. During much consternation from delegates one of them absconded with Taranium core. This turned out to be Doctor wearing a big cloak. He escaped in Mavic Chen’s space vessel and was pursued to Desperus, Earth and Mira before returning to Kembel. Doctor returned Taranium core and escaped in TARDIS. Taranium core was revealed to be fake so a Dalek task force was ordered to pursue TARDIS. Taranium was eventually retrieved in Ancient Egypt. We imprisoned delegates (including Mavic Chen) but they were freed by Doctor’s companions. Chen brought companions to us as captives. We exterminated him but while we were doing this Doctor sneaked in, activated Time Destructor and escaped with it. We attempted pursuit but were destroyed by effects of time reversal.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Dalek security is not utterly infallible (Doctor and his companions managed to enter city on Kembel on three occasions). Varga plants are not an effective security measure if you set light to jungle. Do not trust human politicians when they are part of a coalition; if they are willing to betray their own kind, they will betray us. Make sure Daleks are properly briefed to recognise Doctor and TARDIS. In particular, we should have checked that Taraniun core was genuine at earliest opportunity. Do not bother forming great alliances. Delegates clutter up conference room and walk funny and we are only going to exterminate them anyway. (Suggest follow-up to locate and kill Celation and Beaus as soon as we have worked out which ones they were.) In brief: pay more attention to detail.

LOGIC RATING: 7/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION VULCAN

OBJECTIVE:

Conquer and destroy colony on planet Vulcan.

BACKGROUND:

Dalek space capsule crashed in mercury swamp and remained dormant for two hundred years until excavated by humans. We must convince humans to give us power so we can increase our numbers and lay cables to generate static circuit so we can go anywhere in colony.

OUTCOMES:

Reactivated Dalek persuaded scientist Lesterson that it was his servant and demonstrated intelligence by answering chemistry and physics questions. Offered to build a computer to detect meteorite storms and was granted power supply. Gained trust of Deputy Governor by serving him liquid and agreeing to assist with coup. Activated Dalek production line and began laying cables as “emergency power supply”. Waited for humans to destroy each other but then decided to start exterminating everyone instead. Lesterson sneaked into capsule and was exterminated but this distraction enabled Doctor to overload our power supply and destroy us.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Humans are extremely gullible. They can be impressed with basic science knowledge and will automatically trust anything that offers them accurate weather forecasting and regular liquid refreshment. Suggest all Daleks learn tea-making skills. Humans will always believe you if you tell them what they want to hear and will ignore you if you look like you know what you are doing. Improve independent power source (this is still our weak spot!). Plan would have worked if we had just stayed inside capsule. In brief: Don’t get involved in local politics.

OPERATION DALEK FACTOR

OBJECTIVE:

Isolate Dalek Factor and spread it through entire history of Earth.

BACKGROUND:

Emperor Dalek realised that Daleks are always defeated by human beings and only solution was to turn all humans into Daleks. This would be achieved by spraying atmosphere with Dalek Factor (any Daleks who think this sounds like a perfume are to report to Emperor Dalek for extermination). But to do this we first had to isolate Dalek Factor. To do this we first had to isolate Human Factor. To do this we first had to capture Doctor to conduct research for us in mistaken belief that he could use Human Factor to start rebellion on Skaro. To do this we first had to bring Doctor to laboratory in house of Maxtible in year 1866. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to antique shop of Waterfield in year 1966. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to Tricolour coffee bar. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to warehouse to find Tricolour matchbox. And to do this we first had to locate and steal TARDIS (which we will also need to spread Dalek Factor, which does not sound like a perfume.)

OUTCOMES:

Plan went totally smoothly right up until point where we tried to instil Doctor with Dalek Factor.  Doctor pretended it had worked and Maxtible left him in alone with conversion archway. Doctor switched factors so that when Emperor Dalek ordered all Daleks to pass through archway they received Human Factor. This led to rebellion on Skaro and Final End of Dalek race (temporarily).

LESSONS LEARNED:

Never leave conversion archway unsupervised. We know Doctor is “more than human” so should not have assumed conversion archway would work on him. We should not make elaborate plans based around encouraging Doctor to start rebellions on Skaro. If we need Doctor’s knowledge we should simply capture him rather than luring him with a succession of cryptic clues. In brief: keep things simple. And check availability of www.dalekfactorfragrance.com.

LOGIC RATING: 1/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION PARADOX

OBJECTIVE:

Conquer Earth.

BACKGROUND:

Towards end of twentieth century a series of wars broke out. Seven eighths of human race were destroyed. Daleks invaded and ruled Earth for two centuries.

 (We are uncertain whether this ever took place. Records indicate that we ruled Earth with aid of Ogrons and puppet Controller but records also indicate that this future was averted due to Doctor.)

OUTCOMES:

We discovered that guerrillas had stolen and copied Dalek time machines and used them to travel back to twentieth century time zone in attempt to prevent wars that led to Dalek invasion. Daleks attempted to destroy guerrillas but failed. It turned out that guerrillas were responsible for starting wars so if we had destroyed them then wars would not have broken out and we would not have invaded Earth. With assistance of traitorous Controller, Doctor returned to twentieth century so we followed him to ensure that wars would break out. Our extremely large force proved insufficient and wars were averted so Dalek invasion never actually happened.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Humans are unreliable and not to be trusted. Ogrons are better and have no complications. Time machines should be stored in secure locations. But if guerrillas had not stolen our time machines, then wars would not have broken out and we would not have invaded Earth. So maybe we should let guerrillas steal our time machines after all. In brief: best not to think about it.

LOGIC RATING: 3/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10 or 10/10

OPERATION SPACE WAR

OBJECTIVE:

Become masters of galaxy.

BACKGROUND:

Time Lord Master volunteered to use hypnotic device to incite space war between human and Draconian Empires resulting in their mutual destruction. In return Master offered to rule Earth in our name. Dalek army prepared.

OUTCOMES:

Master failed to incite space war between human and Draconian Empires. He also allowed Doctor to escape and mocked our speech and called us ‘stupid tin boxes’ after forgetting to switch radio off properly.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Master is unreliable, delusional and incompetent. Do not form an alliance with him again. Should he ever become our prisoner he must be put on trial and exterminated by Daleks with speech impediments. In brief: always check CVs of potential employees.

LOGIC RATING: 6/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION SPIRIDON

OBJECTIVE:

Activation of Dalek army.

BACKGROUND:

Refrigeration unit was constructed on planet Spiridon utilising natural ice tunnels and used to keep army of ten thousand Daleks in cold storage. Supreme Council ordered army to be revived (despite failure of Master to incite war.)

OUTCOMES:

Indigenous species called Spiridons subjugated with bacteria and used as slave labour. As they are invisible we ordered them to wear furs and began experiments to master technique of invisibility. Doctor arrived with Thal expedition and disrupted operations. Bacteria bomb was prepared to wipe out every living thing on planet (apart from Daleks and slave workers) but a Spiridon caused bacteria to be released in laboratory. We had to seal laboratory with Section Leader inside it. Supreme Leader arrived to take command. Just as army was being revived Doctor and Thals used bomb to make ice flood into chamber returning them to suspended animation. We have been delayed, not defeated.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Security needs to be improved with particular reference to ice tunnels, ventilation shafts and intruders posing as Daleks. Do not order indigenous species to wear furs that can also be used by Doctor to sneak into our base. Do not keep antidote to bacteria in same laboratory as bacteria. Supreme Leader exterminating Daleks for failures beyond their control is not good for morale. In brief: I can’t help feeling we’re making mistakes we’ve made before. Also: Silver paint really suits us, suggest new look?

LOGIC RATING: 8/10

SUCCESS RATING: 7/10

OPERATION EXXILON

OBJECTIVE:

Obtain Parrinium and use it to force space powers to accede to our demands.

BACKGROUND:

A disease was ravaging colonies on outer worlds. Only a rare chemical called Parrinium could cure and immunise against it. We located world with large supply of Parrinium, Exxilon. We planned to obtain Parrinium and then fire a plague missile to make future landings impossible.

OUTCOMES:

Upon arrival Daleks suffered a total power failure in armament circuits. We reluctantly agreed to co-operate with Doctor and human expedition. We claimed we needed Parrinium because our colonies were suffering same disease. We developed weapons unaffected by energy drain. We then forced inferior species to mine Parrinium. Two Daleks entered ancient city in pursuit of Doctor but were forced to evacuate. We ordered destruction of beacon of city. This ended energy drain. Our ship took off but was destroyed by a human who had sneaked on board with an explosive charge.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Primitive energy weapons are moderately efficient. Humans will always believe hard luck stories. Improve security on Dalek ship. Improve eyesight to spot humans not placing charges on beacon as ordered. Daleks are extremely good at logic puzzles and simple mazes but are forced to resort to cheating at hopscotch. Self-destructing at first sign of failure does not encourage personal growth and may explain our inability to learn from past mistakes. In brief: time to go back to square one?

LOGIC RATING: 9/10

SUCCESS RATING: 1/10

OPERATION CREATION

OBJECTIVES:

Win Thal war. Ensure survival of Kaled race. Become supreme being and ultimate conqueror of universe.

BACKGROUND:

Davros, chief scientist of Elite Scientific Corps, devised a ‘travel machine’ for creature Kaled race will evolve into. Travel machine was called ‘Dalek’ (Davros inspired by label on spine of encyclopaedia). Dalek was genetically conditioned to become dominant species through removal of conscience, ethics and pity.

OUTCOMES:

Doctor arrived on a mission from Time Lords to avert our creation or affect genetic development. Doctor attempted to blow up incubation room but failed due to moral crisis. Doctor left wires on floor and passing Dalek accidentally completed circuit and blew up incubation room instead. Davros betrayed Kaled race by giving Thals chemical formula to destroy Kaled dome. Kaled race now wiped out. Doctor destroyed tape recordings giving reasons for future Dalek defeats. Davros exterminated after attempting to blow up bunker. We are entombed but we live on.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not trust Davros (suggest follow-up to check whether he is actually dead or whether secondary life-support is keeping his body in a state of suspension). Expand vocabulary bank to include ‘pity’; even if Daleks have been genetically conditioned not to possess that quality it is still useful to be able to look things up. Improve floor insulation. Always back-up anything important. When designing bunkers include an emergency exit. In brief: start as you mean to go on.

LOGIC RATING: 10/10

SUCCESS RATING: 7/10

OPERATION RECOVER DAVROS

OBJECTIVES:

Rescue Davros. Win Movellan War.

BACKGROUND:

Our battle fleet was caught in a logical impasse trying to outmanoeuvre Movellan battle fleet so Supreme Dalek ordered a mission to Skaro to recover Davros (on off-chance he was still alive) so he could reprogram our battle computers. A human labour force was assigned to do clearing up.

OUTCOMES:

Doctor located Davros first and forced him to order us to release slave workers. We obeyed. We then recovered Davros and he agreed to reprogram our battle computers. However Davros was concerned that Doctor would do same for Movellans and so despatched Dalek force armed with explosives to destroy Movellan ship. Dalek force did not deviate but failed to reach ship due to humans fighting back and Davros setting off explosives prematurely (Davros blames Doctor for this). Dalek force completely destroyed and Davros captured by humans.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not trust Davros. When organising recovery missions make sure a Deep Space Cruiser is available for immediate departure and not six hours away. Improve elevation technology as Doctor seems to be under impression that we cannot climb stairs. Do not use humans as slave workers. They may be adaptable but they are unreliable. From now on avoid delegating tasks to inferior beings if possible. In brief: if a job’s worth doing, do it yourself.

LOGIC RATING: 9/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION EXTERMINATE

OBJECTIVE:

Exterminate Doctor.

BACKGROUND:

Having found itself transported to a mirror maze in Death Zone on Gallifrey, Dalek encountered Doctor and engaged in pursuit.

OUTCOMES:

Doctor pushed Dalek down alley and it was destroyed by reflections of its own laser beam.

LESSONS LEARNED:

It is very dangerous to fire energy weapons in an enclosed space.

LOGIC RATING: 6/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION RESCUE DAVROS

OBJECTIVES:

Rescue Davros. Find cure for Movellan virus. Win Time War.

BACKGROUND:

After our fleet was destroyed by Movellan virus, Supreme Dalek initiated a mission to liberate Davros from prison so that he could develop a cure. Mission was delegated to a psychopathic mercenary called Lytton. (Note: Branding insisted that Dalek hats be worn by all subcontractors). Health and safety advised that any samples of virus should be stored in a secure off-site location. Supreme Dalek also ordered creation of a time corridor to trap Doctor so we could make duplicates of Doctor and his companions and send them to Gallifrey to assassinate members of High Council.

OUTCOMES:

Davros refused to leave prison and instead of developing a cure, he brainwashed several Daleks to create a private army and released virus into Dalek ship. Lytton failed to secure prison and left self-destruct chamber insufficiently guarded. ‘Secure off-site location’ turned out to be warehouse in a highly-populated city where virus containers were mistaken for unexploded bombs. Duplication of Doctor abandoned due to duplicate agent left in charge overcoming his Dalek conditioning.  Other Dalek duplicates remain in strategic positions on Earth - suggest follow-up.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not trust Davros. In particular, do not give him access to lethal viruses. If you have a Dalek Battle Cruiser available for swift departure, use it. Do not delegate missions to psychopathic mercenaries. They are unreliable. Do not leave Dalek agents to perform duplications unsupervised. They are also unreliable. Do not try to trap Doctor during hazardous rescue missions. In brief: concentrate on one thing at a time. And lose the hats.

LOGIC RATING: 3/10

SUCCESS RATING: 2/10

OPERATION CAPTURE DAVROS

OBJECTIVES:

Capture Davros. Recondition his Daleks to obey Supreme Dalek.

BACKGROUND:

Supreme Dalek was contacted by human Takis. He informed us that Davros was on planet Necros working under alias ‘Great Healer’ and was turning Tranquil Repose facility into breeding ground for Daleks using bodies held in cryogenic storage. A group of Daleks was despatched to bring Davros to Skaro to stand trial.

OUTCOMES:

Davros successfully located and captured. It appears we arrived in aftermath of a disturbance as on way to Davros’ laboratory we passed piles of corpses in Chapel of Rest, in radio studio, in catacombs and in laboratory itself. We also passed remains of an incubation room. Having removed Davros a Dalek was left on guard in laboratory with man identified as Doctor. We did not believe it was him until Tranquil Repose facility exploded shortly after we left resulting in destruction of all of Davros’ Daleks.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not trust Davros but if he identifies a man in colourful coat standing in room full of corpses as Doctor it is worth serious consideration. When given opportunity Davros is likely to attempt to create his own Daleks and concoct elaborate plan to lure Doctor to investigate. He is also likely to have fermented suspicion and rebellion amongst his employees and to have made many enemies that intend to destroy him. Therefore we arrived at correct moment to take advantage of ensuing carnage. In brief: Sometimes things sort themselves out by themselves.

LOGIC RATING: 4/10

SUCCESS RATING: 8/10

OPERATION HAND OF OMEGA

OBJECTIVES:

Acquire Hand Of Omega and use it to win Time War and become Lords of Time.

BACKGROUND:

Davros was made Emperor Dalek. Imperial Dalek race was improved with mechanical prostheses and made Skaro their home planet. Unmodified Renegade Daleks remained active. Davros led mission to Earth in year 1963 to recover Remote Stellar Manipulator known as Hand of Omega which Doctor had carelessly left behind.

OUTCOMES:

We detected Hand of Omega but Renegade Daleks were already on Earth and captured it. Davros sent an assault shuttle down to Earth because our transmat was no longer operational due to vandalism. Imperial Daleks engaged Renegade Daleks in battle and recovered Hand of Omega. While we were away Doctor broke into our shuttle and vandalised it.  But we returned to mothership with Hand of Omega. Goaded by Doctor, Davros activated Omega device and it vaporised Skaro and our mothership.

LESSONS LEARNED:

When discovering Doctor he must be exterminated at once. Although it is fun to chase him up stairs it creates an unnecessary delay. Improve defences on Dalek shuttles to include service hatch on top. If you leave anything unattended in east London it will get vandalised. Do not trust Davros with new gadgets until you have checked they are not programmed to turn our sun into a supernova. In brief: always read the manual first. Also: Special Weapons Dalek is cool.

LOGIC RATING: 8/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION REGENERATION

OBJECTIVE:

Receive orders.

BACKGROUND:

After Time War last surviving Dalek fell to Earth and was imprisoned by Van Statten. Dalek was severely damaged and its weapon was inoperable. Only if it came into contact with a time traveller could it initiate cellular reconstruction.

OUTCOMES:

Dalek was visited by Doctor who attempted to destroy it and was ejected. Dalek was then visited by Rose and informed her it was dying. Rose placed hand on dome. Dalek extrapolated biomass and escaped from cell. It then drained power of entire West Coast in order to restore gold paintwork and weapon and downloaded entire internet. Dalek then ascended through bunker killing everything in its path, particularly anyone who mocked its sucker arm or ability to ascend stairs. But then Dalek discovered it had been contaminated by Rose’s DNA and was mutating into a human so it ordered Rose to order it to self-destruct.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Doctor has survivor issues. Humans will always believe hard luck stories. Do not download entire internet again; it is full of pictures of cats and conspiracy theories about moon landings and once you have downloaded iTunes you will be constantly pestered with new updates. Rotating midriff and forcefield proved highly effective. However, mission terminated due to contact with human having unintended side-effects. In brief: If you are going to be intimate with a total stranger, remember to take precautions.

LOGIC RATING: 7/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION GAME STATION

OBJECTIVE:

Purify Earth with fire.

BACKGROUND:

Dalek Emperor (not Davros, a different one) survived Time War. He rebuilt Dalek fleet and quietly infiltrated Earth systems to harvest waste of humanity and turn them into Daleks (any Daleks who think this means we are all now half human are to report to Dalek Emperor for extermination for blasphemy.)

OUTCOMES

Initial strategy using Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe proved ineffective. Alternative strategy using Game Shows was much more successful. In fact humans did not think anything untoward about contestants being executed and they were a ratings smash. However, our puppet Controller transmatted Doctor into Game Station. Dalek Emperor ordered us to invade Earth. Doctor attempted to destroy us with Delta Wave but was not prepared to sacrifice Earth but then Rose arrived in TARDIS with entire Time Vortex in her head and she destroyed our fleet and Dalek Emperor.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not delegate tasks to inferior beings, particularly ones we cannot pronounce. Inhumanity and cruelty of Dalek race is nothing in comparison to Game Shows. Do not use humans as Controllers as they always prove traitorous and spread lies about us fearing Doctor. There are few more intimidating enemies than Anne Robinson. Doctor is a self-confessed coward. Dalek Emperor’s competence was compromised by delusions of divinity and we were defeated by a literal deus ex machina which seems unfair. In brief: Steer clear of religion in future.

LOGIC RATING: 6/10

SUCCESS RATING: 2/10

OPERATION GENESIS ARK

OBJECTIVE:

Open Genesis Ark.

BACKGROUND:

Last four Daleks in existence are Cult of Skaro; Dalek Thay, Dalek Sek, Dalek Jast and Dalek Caan. We survived Time War by using Sphere to retreat into Void. Before we departed we obtained Time Lord Genesis Ark. Genesis Ark is a prison ship containing millions of Daleks but requires contact with a time traveller to open.

OUTCOMES:

Sphere returned from Void but left a hole in universe. Inferior species known as Cybermen used cracks to break through from parallel universe. Cult of Skaro emerged from Sphere with Genesis Ark. We extracted information about Torchwood Institute from human Rajesh. Cybermen tricked us into identifying ourselves and proposed an alliance. We declared war on them instead. Rose refused to activate Ark but human Mickey fell on it by accident and Genesis Ark opened. Dalek army emerged and began extermination but were sucked into Void due to being covered in ‘Void Stuff’. Cult of Skaro escaped using emergency temporal shift.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Institute known as Torchwood is ‘dark, wild and sexy and The X-Files meets This Life’. Avoid referring to ourselves in third person as it reveals our identity to inferior species. Out of Daleks and Cybermen, Daleks are supreme. It is not always necessary to force humans to do our bidding; some humans are so clumsy they will do it anyway. Daleks would have been victorious if we had not been covered in ‘Void Stuff’. In brief: pay more attention to personal hygiene.

LOGIC RATING: 9/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION EVOLUTION

OBJECTIVE:

Evolve Daleks into new race.

BACKGROUND:

Cult of Skaro constructed base under Empire State Building. Dalek Sec believed Dalek race had failed and would have to adapt to survive. We would have to become human Daleks.

OUTCOMES:

Dalek Sec designated human Diagoras as best option for experiment and volunteered to become first human Dalek. Rest of Cult of Skaro were worried that this contradicted Dalek imperative but allowed experiment to go ahead. Dalek Sec became hideous hybrid. We located Doctor and were about to exterminate him when Dalek Sec ordered us take him alive. Dalek Sec wanted Doctor to assist with Final Experiment creating human Dalek race using Dalek Sec as genetic template. Rest of Cult of Skaro decided that one Dalek Sec was more than enough and that new Dalek race should be one hundred per-cent Dalek. Doctor added his own DNA and resulting hybrids had to be destroyed. Dalek Caan used emergency temporal shift.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not conduct dangerous genetic experiments on yourself. Do not conduct dangerous genetic experiments without agreement of  all members of Cult of Skaro. If you have opportunity to kill Doctor, do so. Really. Just kill him. Do not explain plans to him in great detail and expect him to help out. Never mention Pig Slaves or Dalek Sec ever again or you will be exterminated. In brief: thinking outside the box is good but you can go too far. Also: Humans and Daleks don’t mix.

LOGIC RATING: 3/10

SUCCESS RATING: 2/10

OPERATION REALITY BOMB

OBJECTIVE:

Destruction of reality itself.

BACKGROUND:

Dalek Caan’s emergency temporal shift sent him back to Time War where he saved Davros. Davros recreated Dalek race from cells of his own body and conceived of ultimate weapon: a Reality Bomb. By aligning twenty-seven planets correctly we can flatten a string of z-Neutrinos and dissolve every form of matter (this also finally finds use for planet Earth!). We will shelter from cataclysm in Crucible and emerge as only life forms in existence.

OUTCOMES:

Planet Earth successfully stolen, aligned and invaded. We exterminated Harriet Jones (former Prime Minister) and mounted attack on Torchwood but it was protected by Time Bubble. A Dalek on patrol spotted Doctor and exterminated him on sight but he survived. We took him and his companions prisoner and placed them in holding cells in Crucible Vault. Reality Bomb was prepared for detonation but somehow attempting to exterminate Doctor had resulted in creation of second Doctor and companion Donna with Doctor’s mind. Donna deactivated holding cells and second Doctor destroyed us by maximising our power feeds. Dalek Caan admitted this was his plan all along.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Dalek Caan is unreliable and not to be trusted. Daleks speak very good German. We have successfully overcome embarrassing ‘my vision is impaired’ weakness. Torchwood not as dark, wild and sexy as we thought it would be. Automatically exterminating Doctor on sight may not be such a good idea after all.  We need to improve power source so we cannot all be destroyed by having our power feeds maximised (this is still our weak spot!) In brief: time to reconsider our whole approach.

LOGIC RATING: 7/10

SUCCESS RATING: 0/10

OPERATION PROJENITOR

OBJECTIVE:

Create new Dalek paradigm.

BACKGROUND:

One Dalek ship survived and picked up a trace of a Progenitor Device containing pure Dalek DNA. However, Progenitor Device did not recognise us so we needed testimony from Doctor. To do this we first needed to create situation where Doctor would identify a Dalek. To do this we first needed to find someone who could summon Doctor: Winston Churchill was obvious candidate. But first we needed to get close to him so we constructed android Bracewell who could claim to be our creator. And just in case anything went wrong Bracewell was also a bomb.

OUTCOME:

We made sure that we seemed too good to be true with our expert tea-making skills and Churchill summoned Doctor but Doctor did not turn up. Eventually after a month he did finally arrive by which point we were heartily sick of serving tea. Doctor then fell into our cunning trap and identified us as Daleks. Progenitor Device constructed new Dalek paradigm. Humans attacked us with spitfires fitted with gravity bubbles by Bracewell. We forced Doctor to call off attack by threatening to detonate Bracewell. Doctor returned to stop Bracewell from exploding by convincing him he was human. We returned to our own time, utterly victorious!

LESSONS LEARNED:

Do not give androids ability to build weapons that can be used against us. Also explode bombs at earliest opportunity rather than messing about switching on lights and make sure bombs cannot be deactivated by reminiscing about non-existent love affairs. But on the whole, plan was total success. In brief: sometimes things work out even better than expected.

LOGIC RATING: 2/10

SUCCESS RATING: 10/10

OPERATION PANDORICA

OBJECTIVE:

Save universe.

BACKGROUND:

Future projections indicated that Doctor would destroy universe by causing cracks in time. This had to be prevented and so Daleks formed an alliance with Cybermen, Sontarans, Nestenes, Judoon (no, we do not know why they were there either) and others to create a trap for Doctor. We constructed Panordica prison based on his companion’s memories. (We considered exterminating him but decided against it based on recent experience). Doctor would not be able to escape Pandorica without breaking fundamental law of cause and effect.

OUTCOMES:

Doctor escaped Pandorica by breaking fundamental law of cause and effect. Doctor did not cause cracks in time but imprisoning him resulted in whole universe ceasing ever to have existed. This meant rest of alliance ceased to exist but one Dalek remained. Dalek realised it would have to save universe so it did this by prompting Doctor to notice that Pandorica contained a restoration field which could be used to reboot whole of reality. Dalek then mortally wounded Doctor to encourage him to make heroic act of self-sacrifice and created a diversion to allow him to return to Pandorica. Doctor then departed to save universe while Dalek was shot by an ungrateful River Song.

LESSONS LEARNED:

Even when a Dalek is responsible for saving universe it will never get credit. Imprisoning Doctor was an error but one entirely due to other members of alliance overruling our idea about exterminating him. Do not form alliances with inferior species in future. Doctor is unreliable and not to be trusted, not even with laws of time. Even when all other races were wiped from history one Dalek still remained. This proves we are the superior beings. In brief; we are the ultimate saviours of the universe!

LOGIC RATING: 3/10

SUCCESS RATING: 10/10

(Remember The Days Of The) Old School Yard

Out today, there’s a new special edition of Doctor Who Magazine about ‘The World of Doctor Who – The past, present and future of fandom’. What a marvellous idea for a magazine. I had the enormous pleasure of writing the first article in the magazine, about Doctor Who fans in the 1960s, before there was social media, before there were fanzines, before there was a ‘fandom’.

For the article, I interviewed such legendary luminaries as Jeremy Bentham, Richard Landen, Ian McLachlan and Dick Fiddy, and tracked down and interviewed Stephen Qualtrough, who met William Hartnell as a young boy. I did try to track down the fans who ran The Official William Hartnell (Dr Who) Fan Club but sadly they eluded me. But, to be honest, I only had a limited amount of room, and I already had enough material for 10 pages, never mind 4. Jeremy, Richard, Ian and Dick all gave very interesting interviews, so at some point I’ll post on this blog some of the stuff that I didn’t have room for, as it seems a pity for it to go unseen.

Anyway, it was a lovely article to do, I hope people like it, and I see the rest of the magazine maintains a similar high standard.

In other news, Big Finish have announced a couple of forthcoming Doctor Who audio adventures that I’ve written. The first is Chase the Night, due out in January 2020, featuring Tom Baker as the fourth Doctor, Lalla Ward as Romana, Matthew Waterhouse as Adric and John Leeson as K-9. I was at the recording of this one a few weeks ago and it sounded marvellous. It’s set during the period where the Doctor and his friends were trapped in ‘E-Space’, having various adventures involving marooned spaceships. I can’t say what Chase the Night is about save for that fact that it’s set on a planet where daylight is lethal, but it’s very much in the ‘hard science’ mould of that era of the TV series. You can pre-order it here.

The second forthcoming adventure is The Day of the Comet, due out in January 2021, featuring Tom Baker as the fourth Doctor and Louise Jameson as his companion Leela. I attended the recording of this one too and it also sounded marvellous (I wouldn’t tell you if they didn’t). I’ll talk more about it nearer the time of release – 2021 sounds incredibly distant – but you can already pre-order it here.

And finally, there’s now a blurb for my more imminent adventure, The Crash of the UK-201. You can pre-order it here. The blurb is as follows:

You can’t change the past, every time traveller knows that. What’s done is done and cannot be unwritten. But what if it isn’t the past any more? What if it’s now the present?

The spaceship called the UK-201 was intended to fly to the Earth colony of Astra. But it never made it. Crashing on the planet Dido, a tragic chain of events was set in motion leading to the death of almost all of its crew and a massacre of the indigenous population.

The only survivor of these events was a young girl called Vicki. Rescued by the time traveller known as the Doctor, she’s been travelling in his ship for some time.

So when she suddenly wakes up in her cabin on the UK-201 again, without her friends, a few days before the accident, she’s faced with a stark choice... Can she stop the crash from happening? And if she can, should she?

Puppets

Today - the great lost Jonathan Morris Doctor Who novel! Destination: Bandril!

Way back in 2001, I put together a ‘Past Doctor’ proposal with my fellow author, Lance Parkin. The story was for the third Doctor, with his companion Jo and the UNIT team, and the unique selling point, if you like, was that it would be the unseen adventure to which Timelash is a sequel. The idea being, it would be to Timelash what The Tomb of the Cybermen is to Attack of the Cybermen; the (vastly superior) story that inspired a comparatively lacklustre sequel. However, I was also keen that it would re-contextualise Timelash in order to make people look at Timelash in a new way – such as the idea that on Karfel, aristocratic women try not to display any emotion. Another of the ‘gags’ which made us roll in the aisles was that the most important person in our story, Queenie, would be Maylin Renis’ wife, who is killed off-screen in Timelash; our thinking was that Queenie was played by Penelope Keith and that she declined the offer to return in Timelash.

I thought we were onto a winner with this, but sadly range editor Justin Richards did not receive it with unalloyed enthusiasm. He probably thought it was an elaborate and deeply sarcastic practical joke, or at least not a serious submission. It was, though, our thinking being that if another book in the range fell through (as they were occasionally wont to do) we would be able to step into the breach with Destination: Bandril. But sadly it never went ahead.

This synopsis has languished on my hard drive ever since. However, I have used bits of it for other stories. The idea of someone on Earth gun-running to an alien planet turns up in The Crimes of Thomas Brewster, while a building sending out an aggression ray (a very hokey idea!) turns up in We are the Daleks. Nothing is wasted! And even in the unlikely event Big Finish or someone were to ask me to write a third Doctor story telling the unseen adventure to which Timelash is a sequel, I would have to start again from scratch.

I shall provide a little commentary after each chapter in italics.

- DOCTOR WHO -

DESTINATION: BANDRIL

A Third Doctor Adventure 

by Jonathan Morris and Lance Parkin

PART ONE

It is late evening on a planet of swirling mists and gnarled outcrops. A figure flees through the darkness; Malton;. He is heading for the concealed entrance to a time corridor. His planet has been invaded by hideous snake-like aliens, and the time corridor offers his only chance of escape. But the aliens have discovered the time corridor and set an ambush. There is a flashing, multi-coloured light and Malton dies in agony.

Earth, and the Doctors laboratory at UNIT HQ. The Doctor and Jo are packing their things, preparing for a holiday jaunt in the TARDIS. Whilst the Doctor studies his star maps, Jo pops out to get her bags. As she leaves, a man dressed like an extra from Salad Days appears in the laboratory. The Doctor recognises him as a fellow Time Lord. The Time Lord informs the Doctor that they have detected a planet about to face terrible danger. The Doctor agrees to help, and asks for the co-ordinates of the planet. The Time Lord disappears with the words, ‘You’re already there.’ The planet in terrible danger is Earth. As Jo returns, the Doctor tells them their holiday is cancelled.

The Brigadier enters and reports that they are on the trail of the Master. Someone has been buying arms on the black market, and paying for them with strange glowing crystals. The Doctor subjects the crystals to his scientific instruments.

As the Doctor is busy with his laboratory tests, Jo is bored and starts to read her newspaper. There have been apparitions and strange sightings at a rest home for the elderly in a town on the English coast, Malmington-On-Sea. Unable to interest the Doctor, Jo decides to investigate alone.

After Jo has gone, the Doctor informs the Brigadier that the crystals they have recovered are not from Earth. The Brigadier tells the Doctor that one of his soldiers will go undercover and pretend to be a gangster and meet with the arms dealer. The soldier in question is Sergeant Benton; Captain Yates is unavailable, having been seconded to the International Arms Limitation Conference in London.

Sergeant Benton meets the arms dealer, Kelton, in a multi-storey car park. Kelton wants to buy nerve gas and other weapons. He intends to pay Benton with a suitcase full of strange, glowing crystals.

 The Brigadier, the Doctor and UNIT troops arrive, intending to intercept Kelton. But Kelton suspects something and takes flight. The Doctor pursues him through the city by various types of transport; on foot, by car, by bicycle, by escalator, on foot. The Doctor manages to capture him and subject him to hypnotic interrogation. When asked who he is working for, he mentions ‘Sunset Years’. Seconds later, some of his fellow gangsters arrive and rescue him. By the time the Brigadier and the troops catch up, he has made his escape.

On their way back to UNIT HQ, the Brigadier and the Doctor discover that Sunset Years is a rest home for the elderly which has recently been the sight of mysterious apparitions.

Jo, meanwhile, has arrived at Malmington-On-Sea and met with an ex-resident of the rest home, who describes what she saw - people appearing out of thin air. After the experience, she was forced to move out for her nerves. Others have left the home in recent months, with staff refusing to work there. Other staff and residents have died in mysterious circumstances.

The Brigadier and Doctor are still discussing Sunset Years when Jo returns. The Doctor immediately deduces that these apparitions and the alien crystals are connected in some way. They have to get inside somehow - someone should go in undercover. The Doctor, Jo and the Brigadier debate who should go, and elect the Doctor as the obvious candidate, much to his indignation.

The Doctor, disguised as 80-year old cockney Old Joshua Smith, is taken to the rest home with Jo, who is posing as his grand-daughter. They are given a tour of the building by its owners, matronly Hettie Plumstead and her henpecked husband George. It is easy to get Old Joshua a place; people have left in droves because of the ghosts. The Plumsteads dismiss the ghosts stories - all the residents need are more cold baths. The Doctor, humorously pretending to be half-senile and deaf, is booked in, and makes friends with two other residents - retired electrician Freddie Gloucester and the glamorous Queenie O’Toole.

The Brigadier is informed that his agents have found Kelton again, and discovered that he has rented a warehouse on outskirts of Malmington-On-Sea.

After dropping off the Doctor, Jo bumps into Terry, Queenie’s handsome grandson, and they hit it off and decide to go for a curry.

Led by the Brigadier and Benton, UNIT surround the warehouse. It is full of crates of weapons and men loading them onto heavy trucks. There’s even a tank! Whatever these gangsters are up to, it’s something big. Benton is convinced the Master must be behind it.

The Doctor discovers that Queenie, very sensibly, thinks there aren’t any apparitions. Freddie claims to have seen people in strange clothes wandering the rest home at night, but he does take quite a lot of pills.

Meanwhile, Hettie Plumstead has seen through the Doctor and Jo and, via a video link, shares her suspicions with Kelton. Kelton realises that the authorities are on his trail and orders his men to move their equipment to Warehouse B.

Later that evening and the Doctor decides to investigate the building alone. He dodges the Plumsteads, but is joined by an ebullient Freddie. They set off in search of ghosts.

UNIT attack the warehouse, but Kelton has been expecting them.. Kelton’s men are well-trained and move the trucks out. As the battle gets into full swing, strange glowing snake-like aliens start materialising and attacking both UNIT and Kelton’s men. Seen by one of the aliens, Kelton tries to contact Sunset Years to warn them. The Brigadier realises that one of the trucks is on fire - with all the explosives in the warehouse, the whole building is going to blow! He orders his men to retreat.

The Doctor and Freddie meanwhile, are suddenly confronted by a terrifying presence materialising in one of the corridors of the rest home. A hideous, snake-like alien - it spots them and lunges. The Doctor is horrified - it is a BANDRIL!

Part One was mostly my idea. You can see me having far too much fun wheeling out all the tropes – a death in the opening scene, a Time Lord giving the Doctor a mission, the Doctor adopting a comedy disguise, an international peace conference, UNIT having a shootout in a warehouse and, of course, the reveal of the monster as the cliffhanger. 

PART TWO

The Brigadier evacuates his men as the warehouse is destroyed. The monsters disappear. But a lot of the trucks have got away, destination unknown.

As the Bandril leaps for the Doctor, it suddenly snaps out of existence. The Doctor explains to a terrified Freddie that it was only partially in their region of space-time and something cut the link with its place of origin. But if the Bandrils are on Earth, that certainly represents a dire threat.

The following morning, back at HQ, UNIT realise that any evidence and leads

they had have been obliterated by the explosion. Jo come in on top of the world, and recommends the Bengal Nights curry house.

Meanwhile, at Sunset Years, the Doctor is impressing Queenie with his tale of derring-do. It is clear they really quite like each other. The Doctor is decidedly reluctant to take a visit from his granddaughter Jo and his young nephew Alistair.

They tell him what he already knows: the Bandrils have a presence on Earth, and seem to be working with mercenaries to acquire heavy weapons. The Brigadier and Jo suspect an imminent invasion, but the Doctor isn’t so sure - if you were an alien monster about to invade Earth, wouldn’t you bring your own weapons with you?

The Doctor arranges a day out and heads to UNIT HQ to build a space-time teleportation detector. Jo sheepishly tells them she’s got a lunch date with Terry and heads off.

Kelton and his fellow mercenaries including the scientist Megellen discuss their next move. They have both UNIT and the Bandrils on their trail, so they will have to act carefully. Megellen says he will try to open another route to Karfel.

The Doctor fills the Brigadier in about the Bandrils - the Time Lord was right: in all the universe there are few monsters quite as terrible as the Bandrils. The Brigadier suggests a full military attack on the Sunset Years rest home, but the Doctor persuades him to wait and trust in his spying abilities and his space-time-teleporter detector.

Jo has lunch with Terry, and they even go shopping. He buys her a locket from Samuels with their photos in it. They part, but he’s left behind something, and Jo hurries after him - and sees him with Kelton. Terry is one of the mercenaries!

The Doctor returns to Sunset Years and Queenie.

Jo follows the mercenaries to the new warehouse they’ve rented. They have strange, futuristic technology as well as loads of weapons. She sneaks around the military vehicles and hides in the back of one. With her inside, it starts moving.

The Doctors detector goes wild another time corridor has been opened nearby. Whilst he and Freddie are busy taking readings, Queenie enters his room and points a space gun at them.

Jo emerges from the truck, to find herself in a purple, rocky desert, with three moons in a starless sky. She has moved all right - she is on the other side of the universe. Kelton and Terry are there, also holding space guns. Terry tells she should have realised – wasn’t it obvious that he was an alien? [On his planet, Terry is quite a common name].

Kelton says it’s a shame, but she knows too much - she’ll have to die. He raises his gun.

This part was mostly by Lance. Maybe he was taking the piss just a bit...

PART THREE

In an astonishingly anticlimactic but deeply typical Pertwee cliffhanger resolution, Terry persuades Kelton not to kill Jo. He reminds Kelton that they risk being caught by the Bandrils, and they should get moving as soon as possible. They are many miles from Karfel City.

The Doctor and Freddie are brought before the mercenaries in the rest home. Their leader is Queenie; or rather, Queen Tola of Karfel. Her fellow refugees and subjects Megellen, Hettie and George Plumstead are also there. Megellen has recently opened and closed a time corridor.

Simultaneously, the Doctor and Jo learn of the backstory. Karfel has recently been invaded by the monstrous Bandrils from the neighbouring planet of Bandrunn. The Bandrils have enslaved the population using their blue-faced androids and are occupying the capital city, having installed their own puppet government. The Karfelans are not sure why the Bandrils have invaded up until recently, they were co-existing quite happily, sending their scientists back and forth on cultural exchanges.

As the Bandrils invaded, the Queen and some of her subjects managed to escape down a time corridor, a new invention created by their chief scientist Megellen. Their plan was simple: to regroup and buy weapons with which to launch a counter-attack on the Bandrils.

Kelton informs the Queen that Jo has been brought to Karfel with them.

The Doctor disapproves of the Queen’s scheme, and, using his considerable charm, persuades her to adopt his, much better, plan. Whilst she and her servants (Hettie and George) will be placed under the protection of UNIT, he will travel to Karfel in the TARDIS and try to defeat the Bandrils and find Jo.

Contacting UNIT, the Doctor arranges for soldiers to patrol the corridors of Sunset Years, placing the Brigadier in charge (the Brigadier being somewhat bewildered by Queen Tola’s company). He has the TARDIS brought to the rest home. With Megellan’s help, he fixes the co-ordinates of Karfel and prepares to leave. The Brigadier insists that he takes some soldiers with him the Doctor agrees reluctantly to take Sergeant Benton and Sergeant McGough with him. Megellen also insists on going with him.

The Doctor and Megellen make a time-corridor-deflecting-device, and give it to the Brigadier to help defend the rest home from Bandril attacks.

The TARDIS departs for Karfel. The Doctor does not realise, however, that he has one more passenger on board. In his search for adventure, Freddie Gloucester has decided to stow away.

Meanwhile, the convoy of trucks on Karfel is under attack. The Bandrils seemed to know exactly where they would be; they don’t stand a chance. Many of the mercenaries are killed with the Bandrils’ multicoloured-light weapons, and the Earth weapons are useless against their Bandrilanium armour; Jo and Terry are taken prisoner, whilst Kelton escapes. The rest of the trucks and weapons are destroyed.

The TARDIS lands in Falchian rocks, a cave hidden deep beneath Karfel City. The Doctor and Megellan’s plan is to enter the city surreptitiously via the labyrinth of caves and tunnels beneath it. Megellen knows it is possible to reach the Inner Sanctum from the caves, but doesn¹t know the exact way. Much to his chagrin, the Doctor discovers Freddie’s presence; but there is no time for Freddie to be returned to Earth. He will have to go with them, though the journey will be fraught with many perils. Megellen explains that fearsome monsters live in the tunnels - the Morlox, the Spore-Bees, the Poison-Spitting Plants and other things simply too horrendous to mention.

Meanwhile, the Brigadier supervises the security at the rest home. The other residents are evacuated for their own safety; Freddie is missed. Queenie takes quite a shine to the Brigadier. They reminisce happily about military tactics.

The Doctor’s party has got lost in the tunnels and ended up back at the start.

Jo and Terry are brought before the Bandril leaders in the Inner Sanctum. The aggressive Bandrils are their blue-faced androids to control the local population. The Bandril Commander and Chief Scientist, Velkrow explains that they have been forced to invade Karfel. They are on the brink of starvation, after their grain crop failed, so they have decided to take Karfel’s grain. However, in order to gain access to this grain, they need the two keys to the city’s power generators. This key has been taken by the Queen of Karfel to another planet. They have located this planet, and, using their own time-travel technology, they are trying to recapture her. Velkrow is a bit of a megalomaniac, and wants to invade Earth too.

Jo and Terry are placed in a cell after their questioning, and mount an escape attempt.

On Earth, the Brigadiers men spot some Bandrils materialising in one of the corridors. They shoot at it, but to no avail..

And on Karfel, the Doctor, Megellen, Benton, Kilkenny and Freddie are making their way through the treacherous caverns, narrowly avoiding falling stalactites and traversing deep chasms. But then the dreadful Morlox attack. Sergeant McGough is killed, and the others are surrounded. Things look bad.

This was mostly by me. You see how I sneak the ‘puppet government’ gag in there. Subtle. I also deliberately ‘echo’ elements of the plot of Timelash as part of the idea that Timelash is a derivative sequel, recycling ideas from its predecessor.

PART FOUR

Thanks to the Doctor¹s daring, implausible and hitherto unmentioned ability to hypnotise Morlox with Venusian Lullabies, everyone manages to escape. But they are split up, and Benton and Freddie will have to make their own way through the treacherous tunnels. The Doctor and Megellan press on.

The Brigadier activates the Doctor’s time-corridor-deflecting device, and is astounded to see the Bandril swaying, disorientated and making alien mewing noises. Despite Queenie’s demands, he stops firing. The Bandril collapses.

Benton and Freddie avoid the sinister Green Men, savage inhabitants of the caves, and speed on their way.

The Brigadier is surprised just how softly-spoken and placid the Bandril is now its woken up. The Bandril introduces itself as Pritztik. It can’t account for its violent actions, but assures them that the Bandrils aren¹t usually like this at all. It’s as though they being manipulated by an unseen hand. Queenie takes some convincing, but has to admit there’s something unusual going on. Something ­ or someone ­ has turned the peace-loving Bandrils into nightmarish monsters.

The Doctor and Megellan are cornered by the primitive Green Men. The Doctor’s hypnotism proves ineffective and they are led away, to be sacrificed to the Green Men’s pet killer Spore Bees. We see that Megellan’s got a devious plan up his sleeve, but he is waiting for the right moment.

Benton and Freddie have found a way up to the surface and are met by members of the Karfelan resistance, including the Brigadier, Queenie and Pritztik, who have teleported to Karfel to uncover the truth. As soon as they arrive, however, Pritztik suddenly turns aggressive again; something unseen force is guiding him. In dreadful torment, Pritztik asks to be tied up, so that he cannot harm his friends.

The Doctor tries to negotiate with the Green Men, but to no avail. Megellan has some sort of device in his pocket, and unseen he uses it on the Green Men. Suddenly, the Green Men start beating each other up. With seconds to spare, the Doctor and company make their escape.

Velkrow and the other aggressive Bandrils detect a disturbance in the caverns. Paranoid, Velkrow orders the androids and Bandrils to man the barricades.

The Doctor still can¹t understand why the Green Men started fighting each other. Megellan tells him that it’s because they are so primitive, but the Doctor is not satisfied with that explanation. Finding a secret passage, they are trapped in a weightless tunnel, and have to find another way round.

The Brigadier, Queenie and their party are approaching the Inner Sanctum, when they are fired upon by the Bandrils and their androids.

The Doctor and Megellan reach Jo and Terry’s cell and free them. They are grateful to be rescued. But the Doctor tells Megellan to get in the cell - it is his aggression ray that has been the cause of the Bandril’s new-found aggression.

Megellen laughs - he will rule both planets. He¹s invented some fantastic stuff - time travelling, unlimited grain supplies, genetic engineering, clones, revolving chairs, space guns, blue-faced androids, aggression rays and so forth, and he never gets any credit - the Karfelans just take him for granted. His plan is as simple as it is devious ­ having turned the Bandrils into homicidal monsters, he will save the planet Karfel from them. Everyone will be so grateful they will make him Maylin and let him reign supreme.

The Doctor and Terry tell him he’ll get all the attention he wants - in court. Megellan laughs, points his aggression ray at Jo, and she leaps at the Doctor.

This part was by Lance, so presumably ‘Pritztik’ was his idea. I accept no responsibility. I remember that the gag for this part was that, for the sake of authenticity, it should consist almost entirely of outrageous padding, just like the middle episodes of most if not all Pertwee six-parters. The other gag was that this episode is based on the game from the 1973 Doctor Who annual – hence the Green Men, the weightless tunnel etc.

PART FIVE

The Doctor tries to reason with the feral Jo, but to no avail. He tells her doesn¹t want to hurt her but it seems far more likely that she’s going to tear his head off. She’s already knocked Terry out.

The Brigadier’s party arrives in time to save the Doctor, but they can¹t do anything for Terry and Jo. Having rescued the Doctor, they hurry to barricade themselves into a secure part of the pyramid. But Megellan captures Queenie and steals her ear rings, which are the two keys to the power generators of Karfel City.

Megellan is brought before Velkrow; he has been working as a Bandril agent and has been co-operating with them, helping them track the time-corridors and bring them the keys to the power generators. He now has their complete trust. He presents Queenie, Jo and Terry to them. With Queenie’s set of keys to the power reactor, they will be invincible. Velkrow asks why they don¹t want to people to see them. Megellan says invincible, not invisible, you cretinous creatures.

In a parallel spot of story-so-farring, the Doctor and Megellan explain what’s going on: Megellan has been using his aggression ray to spark war between the two sides. Megellen previously visited Bandrunn on an exchange visit, on which he sabotaged the Bandril grain crop.

Megellan tells Velkrow that he’ll need a new Maylin, and what better way of demonstrating the new era of interplanetary co-operation that for it to be Velkrow himself. Together, with an army of aggressive soldiers and blue-faced androids, they’ll be able to conquer the galaxy and where better to start than the planet Earth? Jo and Terry tell Megellan hell never get away with it. But Megellan just cackles insanely.

Now that he has lured some of the Bandrils to Karfel, all he needs to do is to increase the power on his aggression ray directed at the planet Bandrunn. All the Bandrils on Bandrunn will be destroyed, and thus the Bandrils on Karfel will be forced to surrender their planet to him. Megellan will then be swept to victory on a tide of public gratitude.

The Doctor, Queenie and the Brigadier start to draw up their plans. All they need to do is find a way to turn off Megellan’s aggression ray. The Doctor realises that to affect a whole planet, he must have a big spire pointing at Bandrunn. Queenie remembers that a few months ago, just before all this trouble started, Megellan built a Purple Searchlight and mounted it on the apex of the pyramid. No-one knew what it was at the time, but it was quite pretty, so they let him. The Doctor deduces that this is the aggression ray.

Under Megellen’s hypnotic control, Jo and Terry materialise back at Sunset Years. They seemed strangely subdued. Hettie and Brian wonder what’s going on.

In a tense, series of escapades, the Doctor, Brigadier, Queenie and Pritztik climb the outside of the pyramid, trying to reach the top. Blue-faced androids attempt to stop them, but the Doctor fights them off. He has realised that holding a hand mirror up to their faces confuses them – the whole city of Karfel is filled with mirrors, through which the androids are controlled.

Jo and Terry are constructing a giant version of the aggression ray in the TV room of the rest home. Hetty and Brian try to escape but Jo brutally guns them down.

In a carefully stage-managed scene, Megellan places the ear rings into their sockets in the power generator and activates the aggression ray, inflicting great pain on every Bandril on Bandrunn. Soon they all will be dead! Realising his treachery, Velkrow attacks Megellan ­ but is too slow. Megellan shoots him and claims victory.

As they reach the summit of the pyramid, and the Purple Searchlight, Queenie, the Brigadier and Pritztik become more and more aggressive. Of course, it’s the rays influence. The Doctor fights them off - and smashes the Searchlight.

At that signal, the rest of the Karfelans storm the Inner Sanctum. Without their aggression, the Bandrils and Megellan’s supporters are easily overpowered – and the androids are confused by hand mirrors. The Doctor confronts Megellan it’s over, he¹s beaten.

Megellan tells the Doctor he’s too late. He turns on a viewscreen, showing the completed aggression machine at Sunset Years. The whole Earth will fall to him, in a wave of expanding aggression and violence. Let the orgy of destruction begin! He reaches for the activation control…

This part was by me. I made up the ‘invincible’ joke when I was about 14. I’m quite surprised I haven’t used it elsewhere.

 PART SIX

Back on Earth, everyone is waking up, putting out the milk bottles and collecting the morning papers. And then suddenly the aggression beam takes effect, and people start smashing things and fighting amongst themselves and screaming and shouting.

Even worse, there is an international Peace conference going on. The Americans, the Chinese and the Russians have all convened in London to discuss arms limitation treaties. But now they are so filled with hatred it looks as though the situation could escalate to a nuclear war. Mike Yates is caught in the thick of it.

The Bandrils on Bandrunn believe the Doctor’s story about Megellan’s treachery. Having been influenced by the aggression beam, they have retaliated the only way they know how. They have launched a big Bendalypse warhead towards Karfel. Now they’re not feeling so aggressive, they’re very apologetic about it, but it’s too late to stop it. Karfel will be destroyed.

Megellan, meanwhile, makes his escape and runs down into the lower tunnels, where he has a secret laboratory.

The Doctor is faced with several dilemmas. Which planet should he strive to save first ­ the Earth or Karfel? And how? The Brigadier sarcastically suggests that perhaps these aggression machines could have the neutron flow of their polarities reversed. Of course, says the Doctor ­ given a change of circuits, they can be used to create peace. But first they have to get back to Earth.

The Brigadier, Freddie and Benton are sent in a time-corridor back to the Sunset Years rest home. Together they manage to overpower Jo and Terry; Freddie, who is a dab hand at electronics, then has the task of rewiring the machine, following the Doctor¹s hastily-scrawled instructions. The Brigadier calls his troops, but they are in disarray. The aggression ray has taken hold.

The Doctor, meanwhile, takes Pritztik in the TARDIS to the incoming missile, taking some of Megellan’s time-travel equipment with them. They materialise inside the missile, and together they set about attaching the time-travel equipment. Once the time machine is activated, the missile will be sent back through a time corridor to a point a hundred million years ago, where it can safely explode. But there is no way of operating the time-travel equipment by remote control Someone will have to stay on board the missile to do it, even though it means certain death.

After an awkward pause, Pritztik volunteers and the Doctor leaves in the TARDIS.

The Doctor’s plan works; the missile is sent back in time and destroyed, and back on Earth Freddie manages to re-wire the aggression machine successfully. All over the Earth, people who were formerly fighting are suddenly enveloped in a sudden feeling of utter peace and love. World war is averted. Flower power breaks out all over the globe. The Brigadier and Benton are unable to resist its overwhelming effects and end up embracing.

After five minutes, Freddie decides enough is enough and turns off the aggression/love machine. But, in the confusion, Terry and Jo have disappeared back down a time-corridor to Karfel.

The victory celebrations in the Inner Sanctum are short-lived, however, as suddenly Megellan appears on a viewscreen. He has decided to try more direct methods of taking power. Unless they let him take command, he will flood the city with poison gas. They have one hour to decide what to do....

The Doctor makes his way down to Megellan’s secret laboratory, where he meets Terry and Jo, who are still under his command. The Doctor manages to break their hypnotic conditioning – ‘Concentrate Jo, concentrate’ and resists the effects of Megellan’s mind control machine himself. Together, they manage to overpower Megellan, but some of the poison gas has already billowed out into the caves. Megellan recovers his aggression ray gun and flees.

The Doctor and Jo manage to get out of the caves alive, but Terry isn’t so lucky. He collapses, coughing, and dies. But, says the Doctor, at least he didn¹t die in vain. He died to make sure that Megellan would be defeated. And there is no way that Megellan could have survived in the caves…

Fleeing from the Green Men and their Spore-Bees, Megellan is confronted by the Morlox. However, Megellan believes that the Doctor has re-wired his aggression ray gun into a peace-making ray gun, and so fires on the Morlox, trying to pacify them. However, the Doctor was bluffing ­ he hadn’t reversed the settings ­ and the Morlox are made more aggressive and attack. As poison gas floods into the chamber, Megellan is set upon by the ravenous Morlox.

The Doctor negotiates a trade agreement between the Karfelans and Bandrils, exchanging grain and building up a peaceful-coexistence. Out of gratitude, the Karfelans decide to have the mirror in the inner sanctum painted over with an image of the heroic Doctor, so that they will never forget how he saved them from folly. Queenie is returned to her throne to rule Karfel in peace.

The Doctor and Jo leave in the TARDIS, the co-ordinates set for the Doctor’s laboratory in UNIT HQ. After they have gone, Queenie realises that Jo has foolishly left her locket behind; her only memento of Terry. And Terry's picture has fallen out of it, leaving only a picture of Jo. Queenie instructs the locket be given to Terry's granddaughter as a memento.

Back in UNIT HQ, the Brigadier describes how the recent pacification beam has brought about world peace, and the international conference have resolved to use far less nuclear weapons in future. And in the laboratory, the Doctor and Jo are congratulated by the mysterious Time Lord. He fades away, saying, ‘We’ll be in touch.’

THE END

This part was also by me. I still think it’s rather well-plotted. I like the idea of a story ending with an outbreak of flower-power. I vaguely recall that there would have been a scene with an Arab delegate snogging Mike Yates. I also rather like how neatly it dovetails into Timelash. A terribly silly and pointless thing to do but fun nonetheless. Which rather sums up the whole enterprise!