Junk

I have a fantastic idea. Any political party, wanting to get into power, adopt this idea. It’s that good. In fact, it’s so good, it’s a little bit scary.

It was inspired by the sight of a McDonald’s takeaway bag in my garden. I thought how ironic it is that these massive corporations, McDonald’s, Coke, KFC, spend so much on advertising and yet for much of the time, the place where we most often see their logo is in the gutter.

So my thought is this. To prevent litter – fine the company advertising on it.

It’d be simple to administrate. People who’s job it is to pick up litter – those poor, under-appreciated souls who do more to improve our quality of life than any other – simply put aside any litter with a company name, address or logo on it. Next, pass the details on to an office, whose job it is fine the company in question. And they use the fine to pay for the administration, and hopefully to increase the wages of the poor soul who picked up the litter in the first place

I cannot see how this plan would not work. It would create a massive incentive to those companies to prevent the spread of litter – the litter they created. Just in case they decide to stop putting their logo on things – make it compulsory. After all, this would hardly constitute a loss of freedom or increase their overheads, as it something they are willingly doing already for the benefit of advertising. It would cost them money to stop doing it.

Gordon Brown, David Cameron, the other guy, I don’t care who, just someone adopt this policy. It’s a vote-winner. It mightn’t prevent the blight of anonymous polythene bags, but it would make a huge difference.

I Can See For Miles

Quiz for you. Which William Hartnell Doctor Who story was an offence under the Official Secrets Act?

The answer is, of course, The War Machines. Because at the time the story was made and broadcast it was against the law to photograph the Post Office Tower in London (latterly the Telecom Tower or BT Tower). It’s location was an official secret and was ommitted from Ordnance Survey maps. The hope being that, in the event of a Soviet invasion, we could cover it with a drape and they’d never know it was there.

It’s one of the frustrations of living in London; you know there must be a really impressive view from the top of the tower but the public aren’t allowed to go up. That pleasure is solely reserved for BT Employees and Noel Edmonds.

The same used to be true of Centre Point, but now there’s some glittering private members club up there, so who knows, in the next couple of decades I might be able to blag myself an invite. I’ve managed to gatecrash most of the London clubs over the past few years. Can’t quite see the appeal myself, but then, I’m not a celebrity with a secret cocaine habit. I’d rather stay at home and watch The Big Bang Theory under a blanket with my girlfriend.

To return to the subject; I think, sensibly speaking, the notion of keeping the Post Office Tower off the maps wasn’t as daft as it might first seem. Because at ground level, the closer you get to the tower, the more difficult it is to see it because of all the other buildings in the way. And when you’re right next to it, there isn’t an entrance for it on the street. It might as well be invisible.

Even Better Than The Real Thing

Another obsession. Cover version albums.

There’s three types. There’s the tribute album, to an artist or label. There’s the compilation, often for charity, often in commemoration of a thing. And there’s the free CDs that are glued with that strange adhesive jelly onto the cover of Mojo magazine.

But what they all have in common is I love them. I love bad cover versions; the more random and inappropriate, the better. It sorts out the men from the boys; the artists who can knock together something musically worthwhile at short notice versus the chancers who can’t even be bothered to work out the chords properly.

I heart them all, for all their oddness, for all their this-would-make-a-really-taxing-round-in-a-pop-quiz-ness. I wish the Radio 1’s Live Lounge compilations only included the covers; the rest, for me, is just chaff.

Here’s some favourites. You must seek them out!

Dubstar – Jealousy – on ‘Come Again’.
McAlmont & Butler – Back For Good – on ‘1 Love’
The Thompson Twins – Who Wants To Be A Millionaire – on ‘Red Hot & Blue’
The Divine Comedy – I’ve Been To A Marvellous Party – on ‘Twentieth Century Blues’
The Divine Comedy – There’s A Light That Never Goes Out - on ‘The Smiths Is Dead’
Wonderstuff – Coz I Luv You – on ‘Ruby Trax’
KT Tunstall – Let’s Stick Together – on ‘Radio 1 Established 1967’
Kate Bush – Rocket Man – on ‘Two Rooms’
Susannah Hoffs – Boys Keep Swinging – on ‘David Bowie Songbook’
Duffy – Live And Let Die – on ‘Heroes’
Future Bible Heroes – Don’t You Want Me – on ‘Reproductions’
The Scissor Sisters – Take Me Out – on ‘Radio 1 Live Lounge’
OMD – Whole Again – on ‘Liverpool Number Ones’
The Flaming Lips – Bohemian Rhapsody – on ‘Killer Queen’
Suede – Shipbuilding – on ‘The Help Album’
a-ha – #9 Dream – on ‘Instant Karma’
Claire Sweeney – Too Much Love Will Kill You – on ‘Claire’