Better Than That

WHEN DELUXE EDITIONS GO BAD
 

We all love CD deluxe editions, don’t we? Extra-shiny packaging with slipcases and lyric booklets, notes, bonus b-sides, remixes and demos, and the original album remastered so that it’s a little bit louder and maybe has a little more bass.  What could possibly go wrong?

Here is a list of ten ways in which deluxe editions go bad.

1. Incompleteness

This is the worst one. A deluxe CD edition is the opportunity to provide a definitive edition, collecting together all the associated b-sides, remixes and alternative versions. So what do they do? They leave one off. And there’s always one, one b-side, one remix, something essential that you know exists but which isn’t there. So you know that – sales projections permitting – they’ll have to do another edition ten years down the line.

Example: The Kinks’ Village Green Preservation Society has the album in mono and stereo, it has all the singles, b-sides and songs recorded during the sessions - except Pictures in the Sand.

2. Overcompleteness

It’s good when deluxe CD editions are thorough. But there comes a point where you have to draw the line. Do you really need radio ‘sessions’ where all they did was play the single on the radio? Do you really need ‘edits’ which are identical to other versions except they were faded out earlier? And do you really need albums presented in mono and stereo when there is no discernible difference.

I mean, with The Beatles, all the differences between the mono and stereo editions have been scrupulously annotated. And you definitely need both versions of Odessey and Oracle. But what differences are there between the mono and stereo editions of Butterfly by The Hollies? Or Odessa by the Bee Gees? Or Mighty Garvey! by Manfred Mann? Are there any? Or is the mono version just the stereo version ‘folded down’?

3. Inconsistency

What any deluxe edition is going to spend most of its time doing is sitting on the shelf. So it’s vitally important that the packaging is consistent and the spines all match up. On top of that, there should be a consistent approach to content – no duplication of material, all bonus tracks on the correct album, and if one CD goes b-sides, demos, live tracks, all the CDs should go b-sides, demos, live tracks. It’s just tidy. If one edition puts all the 12” mixes on a second CD, then all the successive editions should follow suit, unless there’s a reason for not doing so. And for goodness' sake, put all the b-sides together and all the 12”s together, or present them chronologically, but at least have some appreciable logic to it. If people want to listen on ‘shuffle’ then that’s their prerogative but you don’t need to shuffle the tracks for them.

The worst examples, and I feel so bad for saying this, are the deluxe editions of Erasure’s Wonderland and The Circus albums. The first reissue, The Innocents, came in a lovely booklet-y case. Then the second and third come in those double jewel cases we associate with Now! albums. The contents are great, but on your shelf, ugly.

Additional example: Elton John’s reissues of his 70s stuff are great, with most of the b-sides included. But when it gets to his 80s stuff, most of the b-sides are left off. Why, Elton?

4. Rewriting History

Following on from my earlier point about incompleteness. The albums have to be presented as they were when originally released. No sneaky substituting alternative mixes is allowed. And while it’s great when the original artist is involved with their reissues – they must realize that this is an opportunity to present a definitive warts-and-all record, and that their fans often love the things that they themselves don’t rate. At its most extreme, this can even mean they leave whole albums out of their reissue campaigns – Elton John doesn’t rate his Leather Jackets album so it hasn’t been reissued at all. Yes, it’s not great, but he’s done a lot worse. 

Example: Nik Kershaw deciding that his b-side Progress should be left off the deluxe edition of The Riddle because he didn’t like it, and deciding to re-do the vocals of some live tracks. What is the point?

5. Tardiness

As Telex once sang, we are all getting old, so for goodness’ sake, get on with it, get the material out there. I realise there are marketing considerations and people don’t want to swamp markets but this is what I believe branding people call ‘legacy’ material, this is archive tat, your fanbase is growing old and deaf so let’s not prevaricate!

Example: Paul McCartney’s reissue program of his 70s and 80s albums is slower than the rate the original albums were released. Get on with it! I want Back to the Egg with all the bootlegged stuff!

6. Stalling

Following on from tardiness, what could be more annoying than building up a definitive collection of one of your favourite artists CDs in deluxe edition form – and then they stop without having included all the albums? Yes, I know, sales, marketing, but this is my moan and it’s annoying. It’s annoying that the Bee Gees reissues didn’t get as far as Cucumber Castle, they could’ve included the movie as a DVD extra (well we can dream). 

Example: Sorry to pick on Erasure again but it’s very frustrating that the reissues – which, aside from the packaging, were excellent – haven’t got to Wild! and Chorus because they are two of the group’s most successful and highly-regarded albums, with lots of hits on and stuff, and they both could really do with a remastering spit and polish. I mean, I think Chorus is one of the best albums ever made, it’s annoying that it’s not been given the deluxe treatment. And both Wild! and Chorus have excellent concert videos that could be included as DVDs. Oh, it makes me mad.

7. Ignorance

There is an art to providing liner notes. What you want is to guide your listener through the various gems included in your deluxe edition. They need context. They need to know what order the b-sides were recorded and what singles they were flipside-ing. What you want, basically, is your artists’ equivalent of Mark Lewisohn. Someone to ferret through the archives and uncover facts about working titles and alternative versions. What you don’t want is some journalist rent-a-hack who is just trying to fill four sides with words. And I’m not sure you even want the artists themselves unless they have something interesting and positive to say; liner notes full of ‘I don’t remember writing this’ and ‘Well this was a load of crap we knocked off in an afternoon’ are not what you want to read after you’ve forked out your £15.

But while it’s lovely to see the artwork of every international edition of every single... you do need to include something  to read.

8. Low fidelity

There are one or two or more deluxe editions where the sound quality is not, in any discernible way, an improvement on the previous edition. In fact, there are a few where the sound quality is worse. I’m not going to name them because it’s often not the record company’s fault, there are problems with getting access to original tapes and things get mislaid, but if improved sound quality is not your selling point then it’s all the more important to make sure you get the other selling points right.

9. Superfluity

There comes a point at which you cannot improve sound quality any more. At some point you are going to remaster something correctly, as it originally sounded, but in the best possible quality. At which point you should stop. And not, in the case of ABBA, keep going. Some of their albums have been remastered three or four times now. So which is the best one to get? This one’s too loud, this one’s too noise-reduced, this one’s got an edited version of The Name of the Game by mistake. Get it right – and then stop! In the words of ABBA – Move On!

10. Nonexistence 

It’s a little bit baffling that some artists have had the deluxe reissue treatment when they were, and are, not particularly popular or highly-regarded, and yet with other artists we’re still listening to CDs that were mastered in the 80s (when they didn’t even master stuff for CD, they just mastered it for tape and used the same master for the CD). There are artists with loads of b-sides, probably loads of great unreleased demos and leftovers, where the only editions of their albums still have inlays telling you about The Compact Disc Digital Audio System in four different languages. You know, ‘If you follow these suggestions, the Compact Disc will provide a lifetime of pure listening enjoyment’.

So come on. Get acts together. Pull fingers out. Where are the deluxe reissues of Kate Bush’s stuff, Prince’s stuff (80s only, we are not masochists), The Beautiful South’s stuff?

We Are Detective

This month sees the release of my latest Jago & Litefoot story The Monstrous Menagerie. I’ve given it a listen, just to check it over, you understand, and it’s marvellous. Steven Miller is very, very good as Arthur Conan Doyle and Brian Protheroe is wonderful as... well, that would be telling. I spent the whole of the recording trying to work out what I’d seen him in, only when I got home did I realise he was Edward IV in the BBC Shakespeares, as well as being a folk-pop legend! Blimey.

Beyond saying that the story is wonderful, and that you should all rush out and buy it, it’s hard to think of anything else to say to it, as I’ve already gone through all that in the CD inlay notes, in an interview in the latest issue of Vortex and in an interview in the latest issue of DWM. There’s only so many times one can say the same thing. But the finished article seems to have gone down fairly well so far, and I’m very proud of it, what else is there to say?

So instead, here’s an excerpt of the script. It’s from near the beginning but obviously you shouldn't read it if you want every second of the play un-spoiler-ed.

ARTHUR:

The name’s Arthur. Doctor Arthur Conan Doyle.

LITEFOOT:

Conan Doyle!?

JAGO:

As in the Sherlock Holmes Conan Doyle?

ARTHUR:

The one and the same.

JAGO:

I say! That’s a turn up for the books!

LITEFOOT:

How extraordinary. Doctor Doyle, may I just say how much I’ve enjoyed all your stories.

JAGO:

Me too. Particularly loved A Study In Scarlet. Ripping stuff. Can’t get enough of Mister Holmes!

ARTHUR:

Well, that’s very flattering, though of course Holmes is behind me now.

LITEFOOT:

He is?

ARTHUR:

You are aware of my other literary endeavours? The White Company? The Refugees? Micah Clarke?

LITEFOOT:

Oh yes, of course. I own a copy of every single one.

JAGO:

Yes, got the lot.

LITEFOOT:

And have very much enjoyed reading them, of course.

ARTHUR:

Really? You’ve read Micah Clarke? Both of you?

JAGO:

Oh yes, real page-turner. Couldn’t put it down.

ARTHUR:

So who would you say was your favourite character?

JAGO:

What?

ARTHUR:

From my novel, Micah Clarke. Who would you say was the character that appealed to you most?

JAGO:

(STRUGGLING) Well, I suppose, out of all of them, out of all the characters in Micah Clarke, my favourite character would have to be... Micah Clarke herself.

LITEFOOT:

Himself.

JAGO:

Himself.

ARTHUR:

(HEAVY SARCASM) It’s a pleasure to meet two such devoted followers of my work.

So if you haven’t already done so, order the box set now!

The Girl And The Robot

Missing Believed Wiped 2012

Another year, another Missing Believed Wiped? What treats would be in store? What shows would be a chore? Top Of The Pops – have they found more? Or some Lulu or Sandi Shaw?

Sorry, no more rhymes. First up this year, beginning and ending the first session and beginning the second, was a section of TV continuity. Which I’d feared would be a History Of Anglia Idents, and there was an element of that, but fortunately it was edited with a sense of pace and humour. So while I never want to watch all the Granada 'G’s bouncing around the screen again, it was rather nice to see little promo clips of The Two Ronnies and Reginald Perrin, as well as the original ITV presenter so accurately lampooned by Susie Blake on Victoria Wood As Seen On TV. And certain idents prodded at the nostalgia cortex; watching the slow but inexorable progress of the BBC For Schools clock took me right back to sitting cross-legged on a varnished dining hall floor waiting for Words And Pictures*. What was it with BBC For Schools and baroque classical guitar?

First highlight of the evening was a 30-minute play by BS Johnson called Not Counting The Savages, from 1972 but only preserved as a slightly dodgy black-and-white off-air recording. Like far too many of the plays of the day, it was domestic, indulgent, unstructured, rambling and possibly point-scoringly-autobiographical and appeared to have been knocked off in one drunken evening with no time for a second draft. It reminded me of Dennis Potter’s Shaggy Dog in that regard; it’s characters arguing to create false drama, with peculiar, hollow moments of surrealism (a character playing an electric keyboard which is switched off and re-setting the date). It wasn’t, it has to be said, any good, but I’m glad to have seen it; the main disappointment, though, was that I had hoped, being a BS Johnson piece, it would end with characters acknowledging their own fictional status and giving up on the story, when it just ends with a clunking great Do You See What I Did There. Oh, and some of the dialogue, some of the sentence constructions, oh dear.

After that was part three of Doctor Who: Galaxy Four, the episode Air Lock. Not the most spectacular, fast-moving or action-packed episode of the series, but wonderful to see nonetheless. It’s problem is that the story is far too thin to sustain the duration (probably because responsibility for it fell between two production teams), most significantly in part three where a large portion of it is dedicated to the villainess Maaga delivering a monologue (near enough) about Drahvins soldiers being genetically engineered to be unable to think or imagine.  It’s also quite a static episode; most of the characters spend it in one location, Steven Taylor barely moving more than half a dozen yards during the course of the episode, the Doctor being sidelined sabotaging an air filter for the first half.

It’s also a slightly wobbly production; the story repeatedly makes the point that the Rills can’t be seen in their ammonia chamber, when in fact they’re quite clearly visible (and very lovely). At one point Vicki is trapped by a sliding wall that the Doctor describes as immovable when it is anything but; later on there’s an accident with his cane and a scene where the Doctor is told by Vicki not to shout at the Chumblies, when he hasn’t raised his voice in the slightest.

But there were many delights in this episode too. A very nicely-directed flashback scene. The rills. Peter Purves’ enormous hair (he’s always said that his role in this story was written for Jacqueline Hill, which may explain why he has her hairdo and cardigan). The Chumblies, some endearingly wobbly robots that resemble enormous upturned salad bowls covered in Christmas decorations. And most wonderfully of all, William Hartnell’s interaction with the Chumblies, giggling with delight as they whizz past at quite a lick, prodding them with his cane, giving them instructions and leading them on the charge.

I should also add that the restoration job on the episode is fantastic, it looks utterly beautiful and the repair to the ending is virtually unnoticeable even if, like me, you can’t help looking out for it. And who would've thought, reading K9 And Other Mechnical Creatures all those years ago* that I would one day get to see a Chumblie in action?

In the second section, as well as more continuity, we got to see a clip of Roxy Music performing Street Life on Top Of The Pops. Not one of their better songs, but it was good to see. Unfortunately the BBC in their wisdom decided that we couldn’t see the whole episode as it features Jimmy Savile and Gary Glitter; presumably there was a danger that their images could spring to life and emerge from the screen like the girl from The Ring and molest innocent members of the audience. Or that there might be someone in the audience who, despite having had forty-odd years to be desensitised by Savile’s appearances on TV (particularly over the last few months), might finally be tipped over the brink by seeing him on the big screen at the BFI. I mean, seriously, how can it be insensitive to repeat a Top Of The Pops presented by Savile when it’s okay for clips of Savile presenting Top Of The Pops to be shown endlessly on the news and ITV hatchet-mentaries? Which is more likely to be seen by, and distress, his victims? It’s the same magnetic tape, the only difference is that one is in the context of providing musicians with royalties and maybe a chance to see the one time their band ever appeared on telly, and one is in the context of trying to cynically provoke an emotional response of salacious disgust and anger. Oh, I’m ranting, and we all know the real reason, it’s because the BBC is scared of the Daily Mail.

So instead, we were treated to a couple of youth shows. Firstly, an edition of A Whole Scene Going. To begin with, I was on tenterhooks as a shopping montage to The Kinks' Dedicated Follower Of Fashion looked like it might contain a NEW SIGHTING OF SIXTIES TOP HAT GUY but alas that was not to be. The show then included a few pop acts, which I have already forgotten, and a little clip about the making of the second Dalek movie and an interview with a very defensive Gordon Flemying (father of Primeval’s Jason Flemyng). This was followed by an interview with some directors and a feature on The Spencer Davis Group with Spencer Davis being interviewed by a panel of ‘young people’. These ‘young people’ were hilarious, with their vague and yet aggressive line of questioning, and the fact that they all appeared to be in their mid-forties.

The show’s presenters, though, were fab; the utterly delightful and gorgeous Wendy Varnals, and Barry Fantoni, a dead ringer for Sonny Bono. Whatever happened to Wendy Varnals? She should’ve been presenting Newsnight by now. Her report on Birmingham's swinging nightclubs was the epitome of quality journalism.

And whatever happened to Ayshea, the gorgeous presenter of Lift Off With Ayshea? She’s great, the (only) highlight of her fairly ramshackle children’s TV show. The reason why it’s been generally ignored by the Brooker, Collins and Maconie nostalgia mill is that almost all of it has been lost, otherwise it would surely have had its own section in We Lazily Mock The 70s; ‘The Feet, what were they all about, eh?’ Ayshea’s co-star was a ‘Hacker’-type dog called Barker, disconcertingly voiced by the same guy who did Basil Brush; a very funny character but a truly shit puppet c/o Oliver Postgate. The show was weird and misjudged, the sinister Animal Kwackers-type dance routines and puppet seemingly intended for primary school children whilst the pop acts (which seemed to be three identical servings of Creme Brulee) were presumably intended for teenagers. As such, it could only serve to alienate and frustrate both sets of viewers.

And that was it, Missing Believed Wiped 2012. A much better and well-considered presentation than last year and it looks like there will be even more Missing Believed Wipeds during 2013 so maybe I should finally get that BFI membership as I’ll be attending them all.

* Twenty-eight, I was.

Sail On, Sailor

Sailor, an appreciation.

I think what changed my mind about Sailor was seeing them performing Glass Of Champagne on a repeated edition of Top Of The Pops. Previously to that, I’d barely heard of them, instantly dismissing them as being of the same ilk as Racey or Smokie. My reaction to Glass Of Champagne was, I am sure, not particularly original – I Can’t Believe This Isn’t Roxy Music – as it bears more than a passing similarity, at least in arrangement, to Virginia Plain and Do The Strand. But, even given the consistent ham-fisted shitness of the Top Of The Pops house band, I was intrigued enough to check the band out on Spotify.



And I was surprised to find they were actually very good. So good, in fact, that I listened to "The Epic Singles Collection" to death, and then bought it on CD (so bear that in mind, people who say that Spotify is a bad development, I have bought and or downloaded innumerable albums as a direct result of listening to them legally on Spotify). They are kind of like a half-way point between Roxy Music and 10CC, encompassing the virtues of both bands. I’d say the secret to writing a great pop song is to be both original and obvious, to reconcile those two seemingly contradictory things (and if I had to criticise early Roxy Music, it’s that they’re trying too hard to avoid the obvious rather than going for arrangements and musical choices that serve the song best.)



I was most impressed by Traffic Jam, an environmentalist, anti-automobile song, which picks up where the Beach Boys left off with Holland (Holland being, of course, the last remotely passable Beach Boys album, after which they stopped trying to be contemporary or relevant and instead became a retro/nostalgia band.). I’d say all their singles were very strong; Give Me Shakespeare would have been a big hit, had it been performed by XTC or Squeeze.



But the problem was, it was performed by Sailor. And despite their great arrangements and extremely clever songwriting – both original and obvious – and despite great vocals, ingenious lyrics and marvellous, inventive synthesizer parts, Sailor were, and still are, a mind-bogglingly uncool band. This is because whilst other groups may have contented themselves with knocking out the occasional concept album, Sailor were a concept band. Not only were they called Sailor, they had to dress as sailors whenever they appeared on telly, or on their album covers, and nearly all their songs would have to have a nautical theme (apart from all the ones I’ve mentioned in this article, funnily enough.) Bearing in mind also that the members of Sailor couldn’t look less nautical if they tried – they look extremely geeky* - to narrow their appeal in such a manner seems ludicrously perverse lunacy.



In addition, their other ‘hit’ – Girls, Girls, Girls – compounds the crime by the fact that although it is a great, well-constructed song, it’s also clearly an Irving Berlin pastiche and not perhaps as far away from The Theme To The Muppet Show as might be desirable. And so Sailor would be evermore pigeonholed as a novelty band, consigned to guest spots on variety shows and children’s shows, Seaside Specials and the like. I’m not saying they should have been taken seriously, but it meant that the record-buying public never got past their preconceptions, and never got past the band’s naff image and gimmicky subject matter. Although, interestingly, Sailor were successful in Germany and Holland, perhaps because their nautical nature held more appeal in those countries, or perhaps because the people buying the records in those countries couldn’t understand their lyrics and so were just judging each song on its melody and production.

So, in summary, I’d say if you like bands like 10CC, Roxy Music, Wings, ELO, Supertramp, The Feeling – all that lot – then you should give Sailor a listen.

* Not that there is anything wrong with that. One of the best bands from the 60’s, The Zombies, looked like it was formed out of all the musicians who couldn’t get picked to be in the cool bands, and yet they produced the psych-classic Odessey and Oracle.

Do They Know It's Christmas?

Here’s a silly, fun, festive thing I did on twitter at midday today: I started a singalong of Do They Know It’s Christmas. This is how it happened:

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Members of the choir. Songsheets at the ready.

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
The hashttag is #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
One two three four...

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid #xmaskaraoke

Paul_Cornell Paul_Cornell
At Christmas time... we let in light and we banish shade. #xmaskaraoke

cathieharvey Catherine Green
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

markravenhill Mark Ravenhill
Throw your arms around terra in the mutter spiral at Christmas time

TomSpilsbury Tom Spilsbury
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones. #xmaskaraoke

jamesgrayh James: DrWho Fansite
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun #xmaskaraoke

jamesmoran James Moran
Theeeeere's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear #xmaskaraoke

edstradling Ed Stradling
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears ... #xmaskaraoke

theolismith Oli Smith
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom, #xmaskaraoke

joelidster Joe Lidster
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you. #xmaskaraoke

HokusBloke Neil Gardner
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time #xmaskaraoke

ianzpotter Ian Potter
The greatest gift they'll get this year is liiife (woah oh) #xmaskaraoke

anghelides Peter Anghelides
Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor River Song.

MrsSteveOBrien Steve O'Brien
Do they know it's christmas time (flight) at all?

sirdigbychicken Martin Day
Here's to you, raise your glass for everyone #xmaskaraoke

PiaGuerra Pia Guerra
Here's to them, underneath that burning sun #xmaskaraoke

gossjam James Goss
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

mrtonylee Tony Lee
Do they know it's Christmas Time at all.... #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
AND NOW: EVERYBODY ON TWITTER! #xmaskaraoke

At which point about a hundred or so people joined in tweeting the chorus with the hashtag #xmaskaraoke. For about 15 minutes.

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Applause! Well done everyone! That was fantastic! #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Thanks to everyone who took part. Particularly everyone who came in too early, too late, or who sang the wrong line. #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Though I think 45 minutes is possibly too long for Do They Know It's Christmas. #karaoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
And a very merry Christmas to you all. x

This may become a Christmas tradition. I hope so. If nothing else, it gained me about 250 new followers!

Brenda Is Always In The Way

Time for a quick rant. Now that Virgin Media have finally taken away the cable on my front lawn – o frabjous day – I’m moving down the list of irritations, from major annoyance to minor niggle.

The thing that is annoying me today is this: when pop stars stick exclusive bonus tracks on albums in other countries. I find that annoying. Because if I like a pop star, then I like to own everything they have released. I’m obsessive like that, loyal, a completist. It’s a trait that is good to encourage in one’s fan-base; you want the fans to collect the b-sides, the cover versions on charity compilations, the box sets of demos.

But how is one to maintain a complete collection if pop stars insist on releasing things that it is impossible to buy. I realise why they do it, it’s because if you release an album in one territory after it’s already been available elsewhere in the world, you want to give added value, particularly if the domestic album is more expensive than the import. I understand that. But that is no excuse for not making those ‘added value’ tracks available to those people who want to own them elsewhere. It’s just encouraging file-sharing and depriving the artist of revenue. I’m not saying it has to be available immediately, just within a reasonable time period, by some legal means.

For instance, I really like Marina & The Diamonds. They, or rather she, is probably my favourite ‘current artist’ and no, I don’t know why I’m putting that in quotation marks either. I bought her album The Family Jewels on iTunes, thus entitling me to the eponymous title track as a bonus (it’s not part of the canonical album). But I’m still missing ‘Seventeen’, a track only available in the US and Japan. It’s not been released in the UK as a b-side or anything. You just cannot buy it for love nor money.



Next defendant – Mika. His first album, Life In Cartoon Motion, released in some territories with the track 'Erase'. Not available in the UK. Second album, The Boy Who Knew Too much. Released in some territories with the track 'Lady Jane'. Not available in the UK.





And finally – well, I’m sure there are dozens of other examples, but I’m stopping with this one – Sparks, who I discover, a mere 3 years after buying their album Exotic Creatures Of The Deep, released it in Japan with the additional track 'Brenda Is Always In The Way', not available in the UK (well, it might have been on a 7" single but what is this, the middle ages?).



Ah well, if these pop stars don’t want my money, it’s their loss. Silly sods.

ADDENDUM: Seventeen and Lady Jane have since been made available via amazon.

Sparks

One of the many great things about the pop group Sparks is their choice of subject matter. A list of some song titles should give you some idea; How To Get Your Ass Kicked, Throw Her Away (And Get A New One), I Can’t Believe You Would Fall For All The Crap In This Song, (Baby Baby) Can I Invade Your Country, Tits, Pretending To Be Drunk, Thank God It’s Not Christmas, Your Call’s Very Important To Us Please Hold, Angst In My Pants, I Married A Martian, I Thought I Told You To Wait In The Car, Achoo, etc.

But, just as a fun way to waste time waiting for buses, I’ve thought up titles for songs which Sparks have yet to write. Titles for songs that any band has yet to write, for that matter. So if you’re an aspiring songwriter, or one of the brothers Mael, please feel free to take inspiration from the following:

I’m Not Being Racist But
My Baby Went Over The Niagara Falls In A Barrel
She’s Dyslexic
Sorry I Overslept
Abandoned At The Altar
Those Cheekbones
Practically Invisible
A Parody Of My Former Self
It’s A Feature Not A Fault
The Queen’s English
Unfriends
A Listening Exercise
Foreign Films With English Subtitles
It’s A Million To One Shot (But It Might Just Work)
The Missing Dog
Making Our Own Entertainment
Please Leave It Alone
Hipstamatic
An Area The Size Of Wales
The British Sense Of Humour
Confidence Can Be Taught
Bootlegs
Speaking As A Mother
Left On Standby
This Is Just Like A Movie
Politeness Costs Nothing
Due To Creative Differences
Brian May
We're Poles Apart
I Fell In Love With A Spambot
His Name Is Not Da Vinci
At This Moment In Time
Riding The Coat Tails
Let's Go Antiquing
Shot By Friendly Fire
The Sequel To The Prequel
Montage Sequence
The Curate’s Egg
Me And My Micro
From A Brouhaha To A Hullaballoo
I Much Preferred The Original
I Was The Last Man On The Moon
Position Closed
Pick A Card, Any Card

Wonderland

Re-mastered and bonus-laden editions of the first two Erasure albums were released last week. In my capacity as someone who used to work for them, back in the 1990’s, and who has remained a fan, I thought I’d review them.

Wonderland is a fun little album, but not one I revisit often. Vince’s synth arrangements are still pretty sparse, like his stuff wtih Yazoo and his production work for Robert Marlow, and the songs are mostly in the Yazoo formula; Who Needs Love Like That is basically a rewrite of Don’t Go (blasphemy, I know, but it’s true) while My Heart... So Blue sounds more Yazoo than Yazoo (this track also being the one where Andy most closely mimics Alison Moyet’s vocal style). My favourite track is probably Say What, which I think might have been earmarked as a fourth single at one point.

The re-mastering does seem to give the album a lot more whack and thud. I’m not entirely sure about the selection of bonus tracks – my pedantic nature would prefer the inclusion of the ‘proper’ mix of Don’t Say No rather than a remix, and it’s a bit of a missed opportunity not to include oddities like the US album mix of Oh L’Amour, the German-language version, or stuff like Sugar Hill (which I am certain was an out-take from this album) or Andy’s audition versions of One Day and Who Needs Love Like That. Plus there are some early TV appearances where Vince & Andy try out a dance routine dressed as cowboys which are hilarious. On the other hand, it’s fantastic that the Stockholm concert is finally seeing the light of day. I’m pretty sure it was the first, or one of the first, times they’d ever performed Sometimes live (possibly before they had even recorded the studio version).

Listening to it, I also noticed for the first time that the version of Push Me Shove Me on the album is the Tacos Mix with the last 35 seconds cut off. I’m not sure whether the abrupt ending was deliberate or not. Let’s presume it was deliberate.

The Circus is a much stronger album, with four singles – Sometimes, the brilliant Victim Of Love, the sadly under-rated It Doesn’t Have To Be with its Paul Simon Graceland middle-eight, and The Circus, a bleak, pseudo-political song with a strange melody and, unusually for Erasure, a melodic bass-line. There’s also Hideaway, about which I been sworn to secrecy, and If I Could and Leave Me To Bleed, both fantastic songs using the same lyric formula as Sometimes (i.e. verses based around denials, ‘It’s not the way you...’, ‘I don’t believe... ‘, ‘It wasn’t me that saw you...’) and Don’t Dance which I still contend is one of the weakest songs they ever wrote. But overall, the songwriting on this album is incredibly strong and disciplined, Andy’s found his own voice and the arrangements are much more intricate (i.e. the counterpoint tootle at the end of Victim Of Love.)

Again the pedant in me would have preferred the original version of The Soldier’s Return to be included on the album rather than a remix and I can’t believe the fantastic Decay Mix of The Circus has been overlooked. On the other hand, there are radio sessions that I never knew existed, which is terribly exciting, and you get the Live At The Seaside concert on DVD, which is, of course, terrific. The only thing which would’ve been nice to have included (but which was probably impractical) would be the kids TV appearance where Vince & Andy are dressed as Pontin’s Bluecoats riding a buggy around a theme park performing Sometimes with different lyrics.

Anyway, I recommend both albums highly; now, please, I want re-mastered editions of Wild! and Chorus!

Une Nuit A Paris

Eventually I’ll get around to writing blogs about the last few books I’ve read, Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby, Firstborn by Arthur C Clarke and Stephen Baxter and Wiped! by Richard Molesworth. But that’ll have to wait.

Instead today’s blog is on an operetta we went to see on Tuesday, as a belated valentine’s thing (on Monday we went to a thing at the Hunterian where I pickled a plasticine spider and Simon’s dad gave a talk on syphilis). The operetta we went to see was Troy Boy, Offenbach’s La Belle Hélène, with a new book and lyrics by Kit Hesketh-Harvey.

It was absolutely superb. You should all go and see it. It’s updated to a setting in modern Greece but only as a framing device, essentially it’s still the story of Helen being seduced by (or seducing) Paris and leaving her husband Menelaus to go and live with him in Troy. The other characters are Calchas, a cheeky priest, Agamemnon, a pompous idiot, Achilles, a vain poser, and the muscle-headed Ajaxes, here memorably played by one Ajax holding a glove puppet for the other.

Despite being a stripped-down production, the voices were so big the end effect was as impressive as a full-cast show; particularly Rosalind Coad as Helen. In fact, the smaller cast meant it was easier to make out the witty and literate lyrics, which sometimes lose coherence when you have vast choruses belting them out. And whilst I normally find any form of audience participation excruciatingly embarrassing, in this case I can forgive it because, well, it’s one thing to hear an opera singer vocalising away on a distant stage and another to have her belting something out directly at you from a distance of two feet.

If I had to find a criticism, it would be that the book is occasionally too reliant on puns for its humour, which falls flat; I’d say the situation has enough scope for humour coming from the big, silly characters that it doesn’t need to resort to groan-some wordplay. But then, I've written a whole sub-Blackadder sitcom about the Trojan war, I would think that.

Offenbach’s music is more Gilbert & Sullivan than Verdi; the songs are strong, jolly and catchy, full of character and colour. But without that awful smarminess with which Gilbert & Sullivan are indelibly associated, in my mind at least.

Book tickets here.

Year Of The Jet Packs

Jonny’s Review Of The Year 2010

The Duffy Award for Album Of The Year –

1: Marina & The Diamonds – The Family Jewels (obviously)
2: KT Tunstall – Tiger Suit
3: Hurts – Happiness







The Daniel Blythe Award for Most Promising New Pop Act -

1: Marina & The Diamonds
2: DeeDee Loves Me
3: Elouise







The How I Met Your Mother Award for Best Returning Sitcom: Miranda

The Rev Award for Best New Sitcom: Mongrels

The His And Hers Award for Most Conspicuously Dreadful New Sitcom: The Persuasionists

The Armstrong & Miller Award for Best Sketch Show: That Mitchell And Webb Look

The EastEnders Award for Best Live Episode Of A Soap Opera: Coronation Street

The Social Network Award for Best Film: Toy Story 3

The Inception Award for Most Disappointing And Incomprehensible Film: Alice In Wonderland

The Misfits Award for Best Returning Drama: Doctor Who (except for those 3 episodes, you know the ones)

The Sherlock Award for Best New Drama: Lip Service

The Pillars Of The Earth Award for Most Mind-Numbingly Tedious New Drama: The Deep

The Lennon Naked Award for BBC 4 Drama That Completely Misses The Point And Where Everything Looks A Bit Beige: Dirk Gently

The Question Time Award for Show That Makes Me Unaccountably Angry: The Review Show

The Obstacles To Young Love by David Nobbs Award for Best Novel: One Day by David Nicholls

The Gordon Brown Award for Most Hilariously Self-Destructively Hapless Politician: Vince Cable

The Haiti Earthquake Award for Most Original And Visually Impressive Natural Disaster: Eyjafjallajökull Eruption

The Go Compare Award for Most Abjectly Humourless Advertising Campaign: Aviva, with Paul Whitehouse

The Nick Robinson Award for Human Being Most Resembling An Aardman Animation: Ed Milliband

The Jeremy Hunt Award for Whacking Dirty Great Nails In The Lid Of The BBC’s Coffin: Mark Thompson

The Pope’s Visit Award for Most Tedious And Please God Let It End News Story: Wikileaks

The Johann Hari Award for Most Annoying Website To Be Linked To In A Tweet: 38Degrees.com

The It’s Snowing!!! Award for Most Irritating Thing To Say In A Facebook Status: “PLEASE put this in your status if you know someone who has...”

The Rob Stradling Award for Person Most Likely To Post A Comment On This Note: Ian Potter