This article was written in 2012 for Doctor Who
Magazine issue
447.
THE DALEKS’
MASTERPLANS
The other
morning, I was out in my garden when I discovered some strange alien cubes at
the bottom of the lawn. Picking them up, I discovered that they contained a
number of Top Secret internal memos from Dalek Space Command that had somehow
escaped the ravages of the Time War. And so, for the first time, DWM presents the
Daleks’ own guide to their greatest schemes...
OPERATION
NEUTRON BOMB
OBJECTIVES:
Win Thal war. Become masters of planet Skaro.
BACKGROUND:
Arrival of mysterious traveller known as Doctor gave us an
opportunity to obtain a sample of drug used by Thals to become immune to
radiation and survive neutronic war. This drug could then be duplicated to give
us immunity to radiation so we could emerge from our city.
OUTCOMES:
Sample of Thal anti-radiation drug was successfully obtained and
tested on Dalek sections two and three. Daleks in section three began spinning
on spot whilst screaming ‘Help! Cannot control!’ and making very dubious
groaning noises. Section two recovered after being exposure to radiation. We
deduced that we had become conditioned to radiation and would need to explode
another neutron bomb to survive. However, we realised it would take too long to
construct so we chose to bombard atmosphere with radiation from our nuclear
reactors. Project failed due to arrival of Thals who had gained access to our
city via water pipe tunnels and knocked out our supply of static electricity.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not trust Doctor. Only test
drugs on one Dalek at a time. Always keep a spare neutron bomb for emergencies.
Always check that construction work has been completed satisfactorily and that
builders have not left gaping holes that people can climb through. Develop new
power source so we are not reliant on static electricity (also: makes us smell
of dodgem cars). In brief: Try to cover all eventualities.
LOGIC
RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION
EARTH
OBJECTIVE:
Invade Earth and replace its magnetic core with a power system so
we can pilot it around universe.
BACKGROUND:
We invaded Earth after bombarding planet with meteorites carrying
a plague. Surviving humans were converted into Robomen or used as slave labour
in mine workings. Daleks were fitted with dishes to draw energy from power
masts and ordered to patrol all areas (including major rivers).
OUTCOMES:
Invasion of Earth initially total success. Two chimneys of
Battersea Power Station demolished and all remaining London landmarks marked
with Dalek symbols. Doctor
successfully located by Dalek river patrol (all doubts about efficacy of
river patrols now dispelled). However, Doctor reached
mine workings and blew up our power mast rendering us immobile. His female
companion impersonated Dalek and ordered Robomen to fight us, while his male
companion diverted our fissure capsule so it was no longer in mine shaft when
it exploded.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Make Robotisation intelligence test less cryptic. Re-evaluate
security at mine workings; “Slyther” laughably ineffective. Develop radio
control that is not voice-activated as Daleks are too easy to impersonate.
Improve fissure capsule sensors so we can tell if it has not gone down bomb
shaft. Develop independent power source (this is still our weak spot!). In
brief: complacency is our own worst enemy. (Apart from the Doctor, who
must be exterminated. Suggest making that a priority from now on!) Also
reconsider objective of piloting Earth around universe; surely there must be
something else we can do with it?
LOGIC
RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 8/10
OPERATION
DOCTOR
OBJECTIVE:
Exterminate Doctor.
BACKGROUND:
We located Doctor’s TARDIS and
Dalek Supreme ordered
an assassination group to pursue it in our time machine. We also created a
robot duplicate of Doctor
to infiltrate his party.
OUTCOMES:
TARDIS tracked to
planet Aridius. We captured it but it proved indestructible. Doctor managed to
overpower Dalek guard and escape in TARDIS. We followed
it to Earth in year 1966 where we encountered a ‘hillbilly’, then to an ocean
vessel in year 1872 and a haunted house in year 1996. Doctor duplicate
was finally utilised on planet Mechanus but one of Doctor’s
companions had sneaked on board our time machine and saw through deception. Doctor was
captured by Mechons and so we engaged them in battle. Doctor used
diversion to escape and capture our time machine, sending it to Earth in 1965
for destruction.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Dalek ‘sand’ patrols are not as effective as river patrols. In
future leave more than one Dalek on guard outside TARDIS. Daleks should treat
cries of ‘Yoo hoo, auntie!’ with suspicion as they may lead to attempts to
incapacitate them using casual knitwear. Suggest follow-up to locate and kill
1966 hillbilly. Improve security in next time machine to avoid people wandering
on board. Robot Doctor
was totally convincing but given that our mission was to kill Doctor perhaps a
robot of one of his companions might have been more effective. In brief: think
things through a bit more.
LOGIC
RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION
ALLIANCE
OBJECTIVE:
Form a great alliance.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek
Supreme established a city on planet Kembel and invited six delegates from
outer galaxies to join forces with us in our conquest of Earth.
OUTCOMES:
Delegates landed on Kembel without incident. We also detected
arrival of a rocket ship from Earth. Ship was located and destroyed. Two of its
crew were already dead after having transformed into Varga plants. Third was
exterminated before he could transmit a warning message.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Varga plants are an extremely effective security measure. Dalek
security is utterly infallible (though possibly reconsider idea of broadcasting
contents of secret meetings over loudspeaker). Delegates should be provided
with name-badges or place cards as it is hard to tell which is which. Except
for delegate Malpha who is paranoid and has very poor grasp of galactic
geography. Must tell him Daleks are not from Solar System. In brief: victory is
assured!
LOGIC
RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 10/10
OPERATION TIME
DESTRUCTOR
OBJECTIVE:
Conquer Earth and all planets in Solar System using Time
Destructor.
BACKGROUND:
Guardian of Solar System, Mavic Chen, has
agreed to join our alliance and will provide us with an emm of Taranium which
is vital ingredient of Time Destructor.
OUTCOMES:
TARDIS discovered
by Dalek patrol in jungle of planet Kembel. Dalek Supreme ordered
entire jungle to be set alight. Mavic Chen arrived
on Kembel and was just delivering Taranium when alarm was sounded. During much
consternation from delegates one of them absconded with Taranium core. This
turned out to be Doctor
wearing a big cloak. He escaped in Mavic Chen’s
space vessel and was pursued to Desperus, Earth and Mira before returning to
Kembel. Doctor
returned Taranium core and escaped in TARDIS. Taranium
core was revealed to be fake so a Dalek task force was ordered to pursue TARDIS. Taranium
was eventually retrieved in Ancient Egypt. We imprisoned delegates (including Mavic Chen) but
they were freed by Doctor’s companions. Chen
brought companions to us as captives. We exterminated him but while we were
doing this Doctor sneaked
in, activated Time Destructor and escaped with it. We attempted pursuit but
were destroyed by effects of time reversal.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Dalek security is not utterly infallible (Doctor and his
companions managed to enter city on Kembel on three occasions).
Varga plants are not an effective security measure if you set light to jungle.
Do not trust human politicians when they are part of a coalition; if they are
willing to betray their own kind, they will betray us. Make sure Daleks are
properly briefed to recognise Doctor and TARDIS. In
particular, we should have checked that Taraniun core was genuine at earliest
opportunity. Do not bother forming great alliances. Delegates clutter up
conference room and walk funny and we are only going to exterminate them
anyway. (Suggest follow-up to locate and kill Celation and Beaus as soon as we
have worked out which ones they were.) In brief: pay more attention to detail.
LOGIC
RATING: 7/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION VULCAN
OBJECTIVE:
Conquer and destroy colony on planet Vulcan.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek space capsule crashed in mercury swamp and remained dormant
for two hundred years until excavated by humans. We must convince humans to
give us power so we can increase our numbers and lay cables to generate static
circuit so we can go anywhere in colony.
OUTCOMES:
Reactivated Dalek persuaded scientist Lesterson that it
was his servant and demonstrated intelligence by answering chemistry and
physics questions. Offered to build a computer to detect meteorite storms and
was granted power supply. Gained trust of Deputy Governor by serving him liquid
and agreeing to assist with coup. Activated Dalek production line and began
laying cables as “emergency power supply”. Waited for humans to destroy each
other but then decided to start exterminating everyone instead. Lesterson sneaked
into capsule and was exterminated but this distraction enabled Doctor to
overload our power supply and destroy us.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Humans are extremely gullible. They can be impressed with basic
science knowledge and will automatically trust anything that offers them
accurate weather forecasting and regular liquid refreshment. Suggest all Daleks
learn tea-making skills. Humans will always believe you if you tell them what
they want to hear and will ignore you if you look like you know what you are
doing. Improve independent power source (this is still our weak spot!). Plan
would have worked if we had just stayed inside capsule. In brief: Don’t get
involved in local politics.
OPERATION DALEK
FACTOR
OBJECTIVE:
Isolate Dalek Factor and spread it through entire history of
Earth.
BACKGROUND:
Emperor
Dalek realised that Daleks are always defeated by human beings and only
solution was to turn all humans into Daleks. This would be achieved by spraying
atmosphere with Dalek Factor (any Daleks who think this sounds like a perfume
are to report to Emperor
Dalek for extermination). But to do this we first had to isolate Dalek
Factor. To do this we first had to isolate Human Factor. To do this we first
had to capture Doctor
to conduct research for us in mistaken belief that he could use Human Factor to
start rebellion on Skaro. To do this we first had to bring Doctor to
laboratory in house of Maxtible in year
1866. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to antique
shop of Waterfield
in year 1966. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to
Tricolour coffee bar. To do this we first had to lure Doctor to
warehouse to find Tricolour matchbox. And to do this we first had to locate and
steal TARDIS (which
we will also need to spread Dalek Factor, which does not sound like a
perfume.)
OUTCOMES:
Plan went totally smoothly right up until point where we tried to
instil Doctor with
Dalek Factor. Doctor
pretended it had worked and Maxtible left him
in alone with conversion archway. Doctor switched
factors so that when Emperor Dalek
ordered all Daleks to pass through archway they received Human Factor. This led
to rebellion on Skaro and Final End of Dalek race (temporarily).
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Never leave conversion archway unsupervised. We know Doctor is “more
than human” so should not have assumed conversion archway would work on him. We
should not make elaborate plans based around encouraging Doctor to start
rebellions on Skaro. If we need Doctor’s
knowledge we should simply capture him rather than luring him with a succession
of cryptic clues. In brief: keep things simple. And check availability of
www.dalekfactorfragrance.com.
LOGIC
RATING: 1/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION PARADOX
OBJECTIVE:
Conquer Earth.
BACKGROUND:
Towards end of twentieth century a series of wars broke out. Seven
eighths of human race were destroyed. Daleks invaded and ruled Earth for two
centuries.
(We are uncertain whether this ever took place. Records
indicate that we ruled Earth with aid of Ogrons and puppet Controller but
records also indicate that this future was averted due to Doctor.)
OUTCOMES:
We discovered that guerrillas had stolen and copied Dalek time
machines and used them to travel back to twentieth century time zone in attempt
to prevent wars that led to Dalek invasion. Daleks attempted to destroy
guerrillas but failed. It turned out that guerrillas were responsible for
starting wars so if we had destroyed
them then wars would not have broken out and we would not have invaded Earth.
With assistance of traitorous Controller, Doctor returned
to twentieth century so we followed him to ensure that wars would break out.
Our extremely
large force proved insufficient and wars were averted so Dalek invasion
never actually happened.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Humans are unreliable and not to be trusted. Ogrons are better and
have no complications. Time machines should be stored in secure locations. But
if guerrillas had not stolen our time machines, then wars would not have broken
out and we would not have invaded Earth. So maybe we should let
guerrillas steal our time machines after all. In brief: best not to think about
it.
LOGIC
RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10 or 10/10
OPERATION SPACE
WAR
OBJECTIVE:
Become masters of galaxy.
BACKGROUND:
Time Lord Master
volunteered to use hypnotic device to incite space war between human and
Draconian Empires resulting in their mutual destruction. In return Master offered to
rule Earth in our name. Dalek army prepared.
OUTCOMES:
Master failed to
incite space war between human and Draconian Empires. He also allowed Doctor to escape
and mocked our speech and called us ‘stupid tin boxes’ after forgetting to
switch radio off properly.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Master is
unreliable, delusional and incompetent. Do not form an alliance with him again.
Should he ever become our prisoner he must be put on trial and exterminated by
Daleks with speech impediments. In brief: always check CVs of potential
employees.
LOGIC
RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION SPIRIDON
OBJECTIVE:
Activation of Dalek army.
BACKGROUND:
Refrigeration unit was constructed on planet Spiridon utilising
natural ice tunnels and used to keep army of ten thousand Daleks in cold
storage. Supreme Council ordered army to be revived (despite failure of Master to incite
war.)
OUTCOMES:
Indigenous species called Spiridons
subjugated with bacteria and used as slave labour. As they are invisible we
ordered them to wear furs and began experiments to master technique of
invisibility. Doctor
arrived with Thal expedition and disrupted operations. Bacteria bomb was
prepared to wipe out every living thing on planet (apart from Daleks and slave
workers) but a Spiridon
caused bacteria to be released in laboratory. We had to seal laboratory with Section Leader
inside it. Supreme
Leader arrived to take command. Just as army was being revived Doctor and Thals
used bomb to make ice flood into chamber returning them to suspended animation.
We have been delayed, not defeated.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Security needs to be improved with particular reference to ice
tunnels, ventilation shafts and intruders posing as Daleks. Do not order
indigenous species to wear furs that can also be used by Doctor to sneak
into our base. Do not keep antidote to bacteria in same laboratory as bacteria.
Supreme Leader exterminating
Daleks for failures beyond their control is not good for morale. In brief: I
can’t help feeling we’re making mistakes we’ve made before. Also: Silver paint
really suits us, suggest new look?
LOGIC
RATING: 8/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 7/10
OPERATION EXXILON
OBJECTIVE:
Obtain Parrinium and use it to force space powers to accede to our
demands.
BACKGROUND:
A disease was ravaging colonies on outer worlds. Only a rare
chemical called Parrinium could cure and immunise against it. We located world
with large supply of Parrinium, Exxilon. We planned to obtain Parrinium and
then fire a plague missile to make future landings impossible.
OUTCOMES:
Upon arrival Daleks suffered a total power failure in armament
circuits. We reluctantly agreed to co-operate with Doctor and human
expedition. We claimed we needed Parrinium because our colonies were suffering
same disease. We developed weapons unaffected by energy drain. We then forced
inferior species to mine Parrinium. Two Daleks entered ancient city in pursuit
of Doctor but
were forced to evacuate. We ordered destruction of beacon of city. This ended
energy drain. Our ship took off but was destroyed by a human who had sneaked on
board with an explosive charge.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Primitive energy weapons are moderately efficient. Humans will
always believe hard luck stories. Improve security on Dalek ship. Improve
eyesight to spot humans not placing charges on beacon as ordered. Daleks are
extremely good at logic puzzles and simple mazes but are forced to resort to
cheating at hopscotch. Self-destructing at first sign of failure does not
encourage personal growth and may explain our inability to learn from past
mistakes. In brief: time to go back to square one?
LOGIC
RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 1/10
OPERATION CREATION
OBJECTIVES:
Win Thal war. Ensure survival of Kaled race. Become supreme being
and ultimate conqueror of universe.
BACKGROUND:
Davros, chief
scientist of Elite Scientific Corps, devised a ‘travel machine’ for creature
Kaled race will evolve into. Travel machine was called ‘Dalek’ (Davros inspired
by label on spine of encyclopaedia). Dalek was genetically conditioned to
become dominant species through removal of conscience, ethics and pity.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor arrived on a
mission from Time
Lords to avert our creation or affect genetic development. Doctor attempted
to blow up incubation room but failed due to moral crisis. Doctor left wires
on floor and passing Dalek accidentally
completed circuit and blew up incubation room instead. Davros betrayed
Kaled race by giving Thals chemical formula to destroy Kaled dome. Kaled race
now wiped out. Doctor
destroyed tape recordings giving reasons for future Dalek defeats. Davros exterminated
after attempting to blow up bunker. We are entombed but we live on.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros (suggest
follow-up to check whether he is actually dead or whether secondary life-support
is keeping his body in a state of suspension). Expand vocabulary bank to
include ‘pity’; even if Daleks have been genetically conditioned not to possess
that quality it is still useful to be able to look things up. Improve floor
insulation. Always back-up anything important. When designing bunkers include
an emergency exit. In brief: start as you mean to go on.
LOGIC
RATING: 10/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 7/10
OPERATION RECOVER
DAVROS
OBJECTIVES:
Rescue Davros. Win Movellan War.
BACKGROUND:
Our battle fleet was caught in a logical impasse trying to
outmanoeuvre Movellan battle fleet so Supreme Dalek
ordered a mission to Skaro to recover Davros (on
off-chance he was still alive) so he could reprogram our battle computers. A
human labour force was assigned to do clearing up.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor located Davros first and
forced him to order us to release slave workers. We obeyed. We then recovered Davros and he
agreed to reprogram our battle computers. However Davros was
concerned that Doctor
would do same for Movellans and so despatched Dalek force armed with explosives
to destroy Movellan ship. Dalek force did not deviate but failed to reach ship
due to humans fighting back and Davros setting
off explosives prematurely (Davros blames Doctor for this).
Dalek force completely destroyed and Davros captured
by humans.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros. When
organising recovery missions make sure a Deep Space Cruiser is available for
immediate departure and not six hours away. Improve elevation technology as Doctor seems to
be under impression that we cannot climb stairs. Do not use humans as slave
workers. They may be adaptable but they are unreliable. From now on avoid
delegating tasks to inferior beings if possible. In brief: if a job’s worth
doing, do it yourself.
LOGIC
RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION EXTERMINATE
OBJECTIVE:
Exterminate Doctor.
BACKGROUND:
Having found itself transported to a mirror maze in Death Zone on
Gallifrey, Dalek encountered Doctor and
engaged in pursuit.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor pushed Dalek
down alley and it was destroyed by reflections of its own laser beam.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
It is very dangerous to fire energy weapons in an enclosed space.
LOGIC
RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION RESCUE
DAVROS
OBJECTIVES:
Rescue Davros. Find cure for Movellan virus. Win Time War.
BACKGROUND:
After our fleet was destroyed by Movellan virus, Supreme Dalek
initiated a mission to liberate Davros from
prison so that he could develop a cure. Mission was delegated to a psychopathic
mercenary called Lytton.
(Note: Branding insisted that Dalek hats be worn by all subcontractors). Health
and safety advised that any samples of virus should be stored in a secure
off-site location. Supreme
Dalek also ordered creation of a time corridor to trap Doctor so we
could make duplicates of Doctor and his
companions and send them to Gallifrey to assassinate members of High Council.
OUTCOMES:
Davros refused to
leave prison and instead of developing a cure, he brainwashed several Daleks to
create a private army and released virus into Dalek ship. Lytton failed to
secure prison and left self-destruct chamber insufficiently guarded. ‘Secure
off-site location’ turned out to be warehouse in a highly-populated city where
virus containers were mistaken for unexploded bombs. Duplication of Doctor abandoned
due to duplicate agent left in charge overcoming his Dalek conditioning.
Other Dalek duplicates remain in strategic positions on Earth - suggest
follow-up.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros. In
particular, do not give him access to lethal viruses. If you have a Dalek
Battle Cruiser available for swift departure, use it. Do not delegate missions
to psychopathic mercenaries. They are unreliable. Do not leave Dalek agents to
perform duplications unsupervised. They are also unreliable. Do not try to trap
Doctor during
hazardous rescue missions. In brief: concentrate on one thing at a time. And
lose the hats.
LOGIC
RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 2/10
OPERATION CAPTURE
DAVROS
OBJECTIVES:
Capture Davros.
Recondition his Daleks to obey Supreme Dalek.
BACKGROUND:
Supreme
Dalek was contacted by human Takis. He
informed us that Davros was on planet Necros working under alias ‘Great Healer’
and was turning Tranquil Repose facility into breeding ground for Daleks using
bodies held in cryogenic storage. A group of Daleks was despatched to bring Davros to Skaro
to stand trial.
OUTCOMES:
Davros successfully
located and captured. It appears we arrived in aftermath of a disturbance as on
way to Davros’
laboratory we passed piles of corpses in Chapel of Rest, in radio studio, in
catacombs and in laboratory itself. We also passed remains of an incubation
room. Having removed Davros a Dalek
was left on guard in laboratory with man identified as Doctor. We did
not believe it was him until Tranquil Repose facility exploded shortly after we
left resulting in destruction of all of Davros’ Daleks.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not trust Davros but if he
identifies a man in colourful coat standing in room full of corpses as Doctor it is
worth serious consideration. When given opportunity Davros is likely
to attempt to create his own Daleks and concoct elaborate plan to lure Doctor to
investigate. He is also likely to have fermented suspicion and rebellion
amongst his employees and to have made many enemies that intend to destroy him.
Therefore we arrived at correct moment to take advantage of ensuing carnage. In
brief: Sometimes things sort themselves out by themselves.
LOGIC
RATING: 4/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 8/10
OPERATION HAND
OF OMEGA
OBJECTIVES:
Acquire Hand Of Omega and use it to win Time War and become Lords
of Time.
BACKGROUND:
Davros was made Emperor Dalek.
Imperial Dalek race was improved with mechanical prostheses and made Skaro
their home planet. Unmodified Renegade Daleks remained active. Davros led
mission to Earth in year 1963 to recover Remote Stellar Manipulator known as
Hand of Omega which Doctor
had carelessly left behind.
OUTCOMES:
We detected Hand of Omega but Renegade Daleks were already on
Earth and captured it. Davros sent an
assault shuttle down to Earth because our transmat was no longer operational
due to vandalism. Imperial Daleks engaged Renegade Daleks in battle and
recovered Hand of Omega. While we were away Doctor broke into
our shuttle and vandalised it. But we returned to mothership with Hand of
Omega. Goaded by Doctor,
Davros activated
Omega device and it vaporised Skaro and our mothership.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
When discovering Doctor he must be
exterminated at
once. Although it is fun to chase him up stairs it creates an unnecessary
delay. Improve defences on Dalek shuttles to include service hatch on top. If
you leave anything unattended in east London it will get vandalised. Do not
trust Davros
with new gadgets until you have checked they are not programmed to turn our sun
into a supernova. In brief: always read the manual first. Also: Special Weapons
Dalek is cool.
LOGIC
RATING: 8/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OBJECTIVE:
Receive orders.
BACKGROUND:
After Time War last surviving Dalek fell to Earth and was
imprisoned by Van
Statten. Dalek was severely damaged and its weapon was inoperable. Only if
it came into contact with a time traveller could it initiate cellular
reconstruction.
OUTCOMES:
Dalek was visited by Doctor who
attempted to destroy it and was ejected. Dalek was then visited by Rose and informed
her it was dying. Rose placed hand on dome. Dalek extrapolated biomass and
escaped from cell. It then drained power of entire West Coast in order to
restore gold paintwork and weapon and downloaded entire internet. Dalek then
ascended through bunker killing everything in its path, particularly anyone who
mocked its sucker arm or ability to ascend stairs. But then Dalek discovered it
had been contaminated by Rose’s DNA and
was mutating into a human so it ordered Rose to order it
to self-destruct.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Doctor has survivor
issues. Humans will always believe hard luck stories. Do not download entire
internet again; it is full of pictures of cats and conspiracy theories about
moon landings and once you have downloaded iTunes you will be constantly
pestered with new updates. Rotating midriff and forcefield proved highly
effective. However, mission terminated due to contact with human having
unintended side-effects. In brief: If you are going to be intimate with a total
stranger, remember to take precautions.
LOGIC
RATING: 7/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION GAME
STATION
OBJECTIVE:
Purify Earth with fire.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek
Emperor (not Davros,
a different one) survived Time War. He rebuilt Dalek fleet and quietly
infiltrated Earth systems to harvest waste of humanity and turn them into
Daleks (any Daleks who think this means we are all now half human are to report
to Dalek Emperor for
extermination for blasphemy.)
OUTCOMES
Initial strategy using Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic
Maxarodenfoe proved ineffective. Alternative strategy using Game Shows was much
more successful. In fact humans did not think anything untoward about
contestants being executed and they were a ratings smash. However, our puppet Controller
transmatted Doctor
into Game Station. Dalek Emperor
ordered us to invade Earth. Doctor attempted
to destroy us with Delta Wave but was not prepared to sacrifice Earth but then Rose arrived in
TARDIS with entire Time Vortex in her head and she destroyed our fleet and Dalek Emperor.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not delegate tasks to inferior beings, particularly ones we
cannot pronounce. Inhumanity and cruelty of Dalek race is nothing in comparison
to Game Shows. Do not use humans as Controllers as
they always prove traitorous and spread lies about us fearing Doctor. There are
few more intimidating enemies than Anne Robinson. Doctor is a
self-confessed coward. Dalek Emperor’s
competence was compromised by delusions of divinity and we were defeated by a
literal deus ex
machina which seems unfair. In brief: Steer
clear of religion in future.
LOGIC
RATING: 6/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 2/10
OPERATION GENESIS
ARK
OBJECTIVE:
Open Genesis Ark.
BACKGROUND:
Last four Daleks in existence are Cult of Skaro;
Dalek Thay, Dalek Sek, Dalek Jast and Dalek Caan. We survived Time War by using
Sphere to retreat into Void. Before we departed we obtained Time Lord Genesis
Ark. Genesis Ark is a prison ship containing millions of Daleks but requires
contact with a time traveller to open.
OUTCOMES:
Sphere returned from Void but left a hole in universe. Inferior
species known as Cybermen used cracks to break through from parallel universe. Cult of Skaro emerged
from Sphere with Genesis Ark. We extracted information about Torchwood
Institute from human Rajesh. Cybermen
tricked us into identifying ourselves and proposed an alliance. We declared war
on them instead. Rose
refused to activate Ark but human Mickey fell on it
by accident and Genesis Ark opened. Dalek army emerged and began extermination
but were sucked into Void due to being covered in ‘Void Stuff’. Cult of Skaro escaped
using emergency temporal shift.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Institute known as Torchwood is ‘dark, wild and sexy and The X-Files meets
This Life’.
Avoid referring to ourselves in third person as it reveals our identity to
inferior species. Out of Daleks and Cybermen, Daleks are supreme. It is not
always necessary to force humans to do our bidding; some humans are so clumsy
they will do it anyway. Daleks would have been victorious if we had not been
covered in ‘Void Stuff’. In brief: pay more attention to personal hygiene.
LOGIC
RATING: 9/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION EVOLUTION
OBJECTIVE:
Evolve Daleks into new race.
BACKGROUND:
Cult of
Skaro constructed base under Empire State Building. Dalek Sec believed
Dalek race had failed and would have to adapt to survive. We would have to
become human Daleks.
OUTCOMES:
Dalek Sec
designated human Diagoras
as best option for experiment and volunteered to
become first human Dalek. Rest of Cult of Skaro
were worried that this contradicted Dalek imperative but allowed experiment to
go ahead. Dalek Sec
became hideous hybrid. We located Doctor and were
about to exterminate him when Dalek Sec ordered us
take him alive. Dalek Sec wanted Doctor to assist
with Final Experiment creating human Dalek race using Dalek Sec as genetic
template. Rest of Cult
of Skaro decided that one Dalek Sec was more than
enough and that new Dalek race should be one hundred per-cent Dalek. Doctor added his
own DNA and resulting hybrids had to be destroyed. Dalek Caan used
emergency temporal shift.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not conduct dangerous genetic experiments on yourself. Do not
conduct dangerous genetic experiments without agreement of all members of
Cult of Skaro.
If you have opportunity to kill Doctor, do so.
Really. Just kill him. Do not explain plans to him in great
detail and
expect him to help out. Never mention
Pig Slaves or Dalek Sec
ever again or you will be exterminated. In brief:
thinking outside the box is good but you can go too far. Also: Humans and
Daleks don’t mix.
LOGIC
RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 2/10
OPERATION REALITY
BOMB
OBJECTIVE:
Destruction of reality itself.
BACKGROUND:
Dalek Caan’s
emergency temporal shift sent him back to Time War where he saved Davros. Davros recreated
Dalek race from cells of his own body and conceived of ultimate weapon: a
Reality Bomb. By aligning twenty-seven planets correctly we can flatten a string
of z-Neutrinos and dissolve every form of matter (this also finally finds use
for planet Earth!). We will shelter from cataclysm in Crucible and emerge as
only life forms in existence.
OUTCOMES:
Planet Earth successfully stolen, aligned and invaded. We
exterminated Harriet Jones (former Prime Minister) and mounted attack on
Torchwood but it was protected by Time Bubble. A Dalek on patrol spotted Doctor and
exterminated him on sight but he survived. We took him and his companions
prisoner and placed them in holding cells in Crucible Vault. Reality Bomb was
prepared for detonation but somehow attempting to exterminate Doctor had
resulted in creation of second Doctor and
companion Donna
with Doctor’s
mind. Donna deactivated
holding cells and second Doctor destroyed
us by maximising our power feeds. Dalek Caan admitted
this was his plan all along.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Dalek Caan
is unreliable and not to be trusted. Daleks speak very good German. We have
successfully overcome embarrassing ‘my vision is impaired’ weakness. Torchwood
not as dark, wild and sexy as we thought it would be. Automatically
exterminating Doctor
on sight may not be such a good idea after all. We need to improve power
source so we cannot all be destroyed by having our power feeds maximised (this
is still our
weak spot!) In brief: time to reconsider our whole approach.
LOGIC
RATING: 7/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 0/10
OPERATION PROJENITOR
OBJECTIVE:
Create new Dalek paradigm.
BACKGROUND:
One Dalek ship survived and picked up a trace of a Progenitor
Device containing pure Dalek DNA. However, Progenitor Device did not recognise
us so we needed testimony from Doctor. To do
this we first needed to create situation where Doctor would
identify a Dalek. To do this we first needed to find someone who could summon Doctor: Winston Churchill
was obvious candidate. But first we needed to get close to him so we
constructed android Bracewell
who could claim to be our creator. And just in case anything went wrong
Bracewell was also a bomb.
OUTCOME:
We made sure that we seemed too good to be true with our expert
tea-making skills and Churchill summoned
Doctor but Doctor did not
turn up. Eventually after a month he did finally
arrive by which point we were heartily sick of serving tea. Doctor then fell
into our cunning trap and identified us as Daleks. Progenitor Device
constructed new Dalek paradigm. Humans attacked us with spitfires fitted with
gravity bubbles by Bracewell.
We forced Doctor to
call off attack by threatening to detonate Bracewell. Doctor returned
to stop Bracewell
from exploding by convincing him he was human. We returned to our own time,
utterly victorious!
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Do not give androids ability to build weapons that can be used
against us. Also explode bombs at earliest opportunity rather than messing
about switching on lights and make sure bombs cannot be deactivated by
reminiscing about non-existent love affairs. But on the whole, plan was total
success. In brief: sometimes things work out even better than expected.
LOGIC
RATING: 2/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 10/10
OPERATION PANDORICA
OBJECTIVE:
Save universe.
BACKGROUND:
Future projections indicated that Doctor would
destroy universe by causing cracks in time. This had to be
prevented and so Daleks formed an alliance with Cybermen, Sontarans, Nestenes,
Judoon (no, we do not know why they were there either) and others to create a
trap for Doctor.
We constructed Panordica prison based on his companion’s memories. (We
considered exterminating him but decided
against it based on recent experience). Doctor would
not be able to escape Pandorica without breaking fundamental law of cause and
effect.
OUTCOMES:
Doctor escaped
Pandorica by breaking fundamental law of cause and effect. Doctor did not
cause cracks in time but imprisoning him resulted in whole universe ceasing
ever to have existed. This meant rest of alliance ceased to exist but one Dalek
remained. Dalek realised it would have to save universe so it did this by
prompting Doctor
to notice that Pandorica contained a restoration field which could be used to
reboot whole of reality. Dalek then mortally
wounded Doctor to
encourage him to make heroic act of self-sacrifice and created a diversion to
allow him to
return to Pandorica. Doctor then
departed to save universe while Dalek was shot by an ungrateful River Song.
LESSONS
LEARNED:
Even when a Dalek is responsible for saving universe it will never
get credit. Imprisoning Doctor was an
error but one entirely due to other members of alliance overruling our idea
about exterminating him. Do not form alliances with inferior species in future.
Doctor is
unreliable and not to be trusted, not even with laws of time. Even when all
other races were wiped from history one Dalek still
remained. This proves we are the superior beings. In brief; we are the
ultimate saviours of the universe!
LOGIC
RATING: 3/10
SUCCESS
RATING: 10/10
