The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Showing posts with label christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christmas. Show all posts

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Too Busy Thinking About My Baby

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done...

Well, at last I have a spare moment, so it’s time for a long-overdue blog. I make no excuses, but the short-and-the-tall of it is that I’ve been very busy over the last few months. Terrifically busy. Early starts and late shifts and everything. In fact, since the last blog I’ve written over 4 hours’ worth of scripts, plus rewrites of other scripts, script-edited over half a dozen others, plus a DWM Fact of Fiction, a review, plus all the introductions, synopses and a telesnap commentary for the DWM Missing Episodes – Second Doctor volume 2. Oh, and I started work on another two scripts and wrote an introduction to a reprint of one of my novels. Plus some other bits and bobs I’ve forgotten.

So you might understand why, at the end of the day – whenever in the early hours that may be – I’ve been disinclined to tap out a blog. Plus my life has undergone a fundamental re-assignment of priorities, so blogging has been bumped down the list *.


So what have I missed? Well, I’ve had two Big Finish Doctor Who audios released. The first was a Companion Chronicle called The Ghost in the Machine starring Katy Manning as Jo Grant with Damian Lynch as Benhamin Chikito. It’s a spooky, claustrophobic tale of tape recordings developing a life of their own, a bit Sapphire & Steel, a bit The Stone Tape, and whatever remains must be original. Katy is superb in it, Louise Jameson did a fabulous job directing it, and it seems to have gone down quite well. It’s my last entry in the Companion Chronicles range (which is being brought to an end) and one of my best ones, though what I’m most proud of is the diversity of styles and subjects that I’ve covered, from hard sci-fi to history to comedy to psychological horror to Rod Serling tribute to ghost story.

And I get to name-drop Katy Manning and Louise Jameson in the same paragraph. Jo and Leela. Sometimes my life is like the eight-year old me is having a particularly vivid Doctor Who-themed dream. Maybe that’s what it is.

The Ghost on the Machine can be ordered here


The other Big Finish Doctor Who audio was The Space Race, a story set in November 1963, in the Baikonur Cosmodrome in Kazakhstan, then part of the Soviet Union. I wasn’t overwhelmingly confident of my script for this one, to be honest I thought I’d messed it up, but nevertheless it seems to have gone down quite well, for which I give all credit to the stars, Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant, the director Nicholas Briggs, noise wizard Howard Carter and the rest of the cast, particularly Samantha BĂ©art who did a fantastic job brining pathos to an outlandish role. The story deliberately starts off very Quatermass, very switches-and-oscilloscopes, and then does something completely different. There are some serious ideas in there, some cutting edge hard-sci fi (or what I think passes for it!) and I was so proud of each of the three cliff-hangers I was dancing around the room when I wrote them. But a few critics have pointed out that it is, essentially, a bit of a shaggy dog story and I can’t really disagree.

The Space Race can be ordered here. I previously blogged a little about it here.


Whilst those were being released another story was being polished and recorded, namely Psychodrome, starring Peter Davison as the fifth Doctor, along with his companions Tegan, Nyssa and Adric. Yes, Adric is back, portrayed by Matthew Waterhouse. As I grew up with a picture of Adric on my bedroom wall (the one of him in his spacesuit from Four to Doomsday, naturally) it was a massive thrill to finally get to write for the character. It’s always a thrill to write for the fifth Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa so this was extra-exciting for me. As for the story, well, it’s a strange one, different from pretty much anything I’ve ever done before, or that anyone has ever done before in Doctor Who at least. The starting point was to tell a Big Dumb Object tale like Rendezvous with Rama. The end point was somewhere else entirely. It’s set early on in the run of fifth Doctor stories – between Castrovalva and Four to Doomsday, chronological-shelving-fans – and addresses a few of the tiny bumps in continuity between those stories, by showing the four TARDIS travellers getting to know and trust each other, and to learn a little bit more about where they are all coming from and take stock. But it’s also about a lot more than that, and to say any more would spoil the surprises.

Psychodrome can be ordered here.


Since I last blogged the fiftieth anniversary of Doctor Who has been and gone. Wasn’t it all marvellous? Watching An Adventure in Space and Time I started crying when the Daleks turned up and didn’t stop until the end. Peter Davison’s The Five(ish) Doctors was hilarious. And Steven did a fantastic job with the anniversary episode, rising to the challenge of impossible expectations by pulling out all the stops, switching off all cynicism and engaging his LITTLE BOY FAN BRAIN. Which is the only way to write these things, I find, with punch-the-air excitement, with boldness, and with love.


Apart from The Space Race, my other small contribution to the jamboree was a 6-page article for the anniversary edition of Doctor Who Magazine, an article called The Wonder of Who setting out to define, once and for all, the indefinable magic of Doctor Who. It was commissioned as a feel-good piece and basically I just wrote why I, personally, love the show and hope that others felt the same. I think I did a pretty good job, no doubt I’ll add it to this blog when the dust has settled, and even though it wasn’t listed in the magazine contents I like to think it was singlehandedly responsible for that issue of the magazine being the biggest-selling edition since the early 1980s. But then, I like to think a lot of things.


That magazine also contained a Fact of Fiction on the story The Five Doctors, which I wrote back in September (so it doesn’t fall under the things-I’ve-done-since-the-last-blog rule). As it’s one of my favourite Doctor Who stories it was sheer joy to write about it and point out all the little things I’ve noticed over the last thirty years, including an Amazing Moment that no-one else have ever spotted, the source of the phrase ‘A man is the sum of his memories’ and all my theories about quite how the Easy as Pi chessboard might work. There was a lot to say about the story so it ended up being a very long article, as I also sought out the great and the good from the world of Doctor Who for their favourite moments, including Terrance Dicks, Peter Howell, Mark Gatiss, Russell T Davies and Steven Moffat amongst many others. So maybe that article was also the reason why the magazine sold so well. Maybe I’ll do a similar one for the 100th anniversary on The Day of the Doctor, if I’m still here (I’m sure Doctor Who and Doctor Who Magazine will both be going strong).


The month after that, in the current edition, I wrote a Fact of Fiction on the recent Matt Smith Christmas episode A Christmas Carol. The most exciting part of writing this article for me was that Steven very kindly, and unprecedentedly, sent me a copy of his very first draft of the episode, one that was so ‘hot-off-the-press’ it still had asterisks in the right-hand column to indicate how much of it he’d written in his final sitting. So the article explores the writing process of a Steven Moffat script in unprecedented detail. Of course, he got most of it bang-on in the first draft, but it’s interesting to see which scenes were problematic and how they were rewritten and which ones were plain sailing. And I love the episode so it was an unadulterated pleasure.


That magazine was closely followed by a special edition, The Missing Episodes – The Second Doctor volume 2. Originally there were going to be three volumes but one very plucky chap went and found nine of them so we revised our plans (and this volume was brought forward, not to pre-empt any further potential discoveries but because the planned Matt Smith behind-the-scenes volume wasn’t ready). For the magazine, I wrote introductions to the various stories; I’m particularly proud of my write-up for The Web of Fear, given that the story has been recently (mostly) recovered so I couldn’t just write a review and had to come up with something more creative, more personal. And it was interesting taking an in-depth look at all the other stories, with my admiration for The Abominable Snowmen increasing while my dissatisfaction regarding The Ice Warriors also went up a notch. And I discovered to my surprise that episode five of The Wheel in Space is actually really good! Who knew? For the magazine, I also wrote a telesnap commentary for the entirely missing story Fury from the Deep, based on the camera scripts, an audio recording and the telesnaps, which was easier-going than my previous efforts as the story holds fewer mysteries but in a way slightly harder work because the first two episodes are awfully dull, with the Doctor, Jamie and Victoria barely appearing and lots of lengthy arguments about pipes. But I sprinkled lots of Morris magic, so hopefully that didn’t show.


And I think that’s all. No, that’s not quite all. This month Big Finish released Afterlife by Matt Fitton, which I script-edited (which with his scripts basically involves just reading them and sending him an email saying they’re great). BBC Books have announced that they’re going to reprint my Doctor Who novel Touched by an Angel with an exciting new cover (they haven’t even let the previous edition go out of print first). I’ve written a new introduction for it and some of the typos have been corrected so even if you’ve bought the previous edition, you have no excuses, you must buy it again.

Touched by an Angel can be ordered here.

That’s everything. Oh, I attended a few recordings of other scripts but they haven’t been announced yet so my lips are sealed. Suffice it to say on several occasions my ‘career’ has been more like having won a competition. 2013 has been good. But 2014, oh, 2014 is going to be phenomenal.

* Don’t worry, it’s good news.

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Merry Xmas Everybody

 
According to Yuletide tradition, every year, on the last day of term, there shall be a Freelancers' Choir singalong of a popular Christmas ‘hit’ on twitter, initiated by yours truly (not having anything better to do). It’s a tradition that started way back in 2011 with Do They Know It’s Christmas and which continues to this day. This is how it happened on 21st December 2012. It took about 15 minutes from midday (the previous year it took nearly 45 minutes – we’re getting better!)

Jonathan Morris ‏@jonnymorris1973

Members of the choir. Songsheets at the ready.

Jonathan Morris ‏@jonnymorris1973

One two three four...

Jonathan Morris ‏@jonnymorris1973

Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? #xmaskaraoke

John Dorney ‏@MrJohnDorney

It's the time that every Santa has a ball! #xmaskaraoke

Matthew Sweet ‏@DrMatthewSweet

Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer? #xmaskaraoke

Ed Stradling ‏@edstradling

Does a ‘ton-up’ on his sleigh? (#xmaskaraoke)

Simon Guerrier @0tralala

Do the fairies keep him sober for a day? #xmaskaraoke

Joe Lidster ‏@joelidster

So here it is, merry Christmas, everybody's having fun #xmaskaraoke

Rob M Clarke ‏@ahremsee

Look to the future now, it's only just begu-u-un #xmaskaraoke

Mark Wright ‏@markrwright

Are you waiting for the family to arrive? #xmaskaraoke

Cavan Scott ‏@cavanscott

Are you sure you got the room to spare inside? #xmaskaraoke

Robert Ross ‏@RobertWRossEsq

Does your Granny always tell ya that the old Songs are the best? #XmasKaraoke

Steve Berry ‏@unloveablesteve

Then she's up and rock 'n' rollin' with the rest! #xmaskaraoke

Will Howells ‏@willhowells

So here it is merry Christmas, everybody's having fun #xmaskaraoke

Tony Lee ‏@mrtonylee

Look to the future now, it's only just begu-u-un... #xmaskaraoke

Gary Russell ‏@twilightstreets

What will your daddy do when he sees your mama kissin' Santa Claus? #xmaskaraoke

Neil & Sue Perryman ‏@wifeinspace

Ah-ah! #xmaskaraoke

Catherine Harvey ‏@cathieharvey

Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? #xmaskaraoke

Tommy Donbavand ‏@tommydonbavand

Are you hoping that the snow will start to fall? #xmaskaraoke

Paul_Cornell ‏@Paul_Cornell

Do you ride on down the hillside in a buggy you have made? #xmaskaraoke

Ian Potter ‏@ianzpotter

When you land upon your head then you've been sleighed #xmaskaraoke

Jonathan Morris ‏@jonnymorris1973

So here it is, Merry Christmas, everybody's having fun #xmaskaraoke

Peter Anghelides ‏@anghelides

#xmaskaraoke Look to the future now, it's only just beguuuuun

Paul_Cornell ‏@Paul_Cornell

IT'S CHRISSSSTMASSSSSSSSS!!!!!! #xmaskaraoke

Martin Day ‏@sirdigbychicken

So here it is-uh, merry Christmas-uh! Everybody's having fun. [Sung in the style of Mark E Smith] #xmaskaraoke

Nicola Bryant ‏@thenicolabryant

Look to the future now, it's only just begun. ♥.•°°¸.•*¨`*• ´♫ •.♥ #xmaskaraoke

Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Early Christmas Present

More stuff I’ve written!



The Christmas issue of Doctor Who Magazine, out this week, contains a Fact Of Fiction article on the (checks article) 2008 Christmas episode The Next Doctor, researched, written and cursorily spellchecked by yours truly. It contains all sorts of fascinating insights; a new mistake, a guide to appearances by a ubiquitous bit of set dressing, and other bits and bobs of historical context. Of particular note, though, are two things; it contains details about the initial draft of the episode, which have never been disclosed before (because Andrew Pixley couldn’t open the file!) and it contains literally thousands of words of discussion with the episode's writer, Russell T Davies, divulging all sorts of marvellous titbits. Or is it tidbits? Never quite sure.




However, due to a freak wormhole opening up in the space-time continuum, one extra fact I gleaned at the last minute failed to be included in the article*. So here it is. It should’ve gone after The Other Doctor is Jackson Lake!

The plot devices of memory loss and assumed identities were common in Victorian fiction; such as the trauma-induced amnesia experienced by Laura Fairlie in The Woman In White (1860) by Wilkie Collins, and the new identity assumed by the missing-presumed-drowned John Harmon in Our Mutual Friend (1865) by Charles Dickens. But the most likely antecedent for Jackson Lake is the (similarly-named) Franklin Blake in The Moonstone (1868) by Wilkie Collins, in which he investigates the robbery of a diamond only to discover after using opium to jog his memory (spoiler warning) that he perpetrated the theft himself whilst in an opium-induced trance. 

I have to thank Matthew Sweet off of TV and Radio for this, and would also like to thank Niall Boyce off of The Lancet who also generously helped with the article. Their ‘thanks’ also seem to have fallen victim to the freak wormhole, for which I can only apologise.

* However the published article contains a bonus fact that wasn't written by me. What the freak wormhole takes, it also gives.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town


A sketch I wrote a few years back and never managed to sell, probably because it's only sporadically and mildly amusing and is far too long.

SANTA

Casual chat between MIKE and DAVE. MIKE is busy writing, wearing an intense expression.

MIKE:
…and a Wii with loads of games and a racing bike and…

DAVE:
Sorry, what are you doing?

MIKE:
What?

DAVE:
You’re writing something, what is it?

MIKE:
Oh, nothing.

DAVE:
No, go on, tell me.

MIKE:
No, you’ll be funny about it and take the piss.

DAVE:
No, I won’t, I promise. What is it?

MIKE:
I’m making a Christmas list. For Santa.

DAVE:
(incredulous) For Santa?

MIKE:
I knew it! I knew you’d be all snide and… snide.

DAVE:
I’m sorry, but aren’t you a bit old to be writing to Santa Claus?

MIKE:
(very resentful) Oh, right. Suddenly you decide to mock my faith…

DAVE:
No, but… you do know that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, don’t you?

MIKE:
You can say that, but for me, Santa is very real, and very much part of my day-to-day spiritual experience.

DAVE:
But he’s made up…

MIKE:
Yes, you lot, mention someone’s religious convictions and you become all high-and-mighty and ‘I know better’.

DAVE:
You lot?

MIKE:
You and Richard bloody Dawkins and Christopher sodding Hitchens. Look, I’m not trying to convert anyone, I just happened to be a believer – is it too difficult for you to respect that?

DAVE:
It’s quite difficult to respect someone still believing in Santa Claus, yes.

MIKE:
Oh! Oh!

DAVE:
I mean, I’m not religious myself but I can understand someone following something which is part of a recognised belief system. But Santa is not part of a recognised belief system, he’s an obese man in a hat who laughs too much.

MIKE:
Yeah. Like Buddha. Or Jesus. Or Mohammed. You wouldn’t take the piss out of them, would you?

DAVE:
No, I wouldn’t, because they are not generally associated with sitting in a sleigh that’s pulled by reindeer, one of whom has a very shiny nose.

MIKE:
Laugh all you like. I don’t care. I have my faith.

DAVE:
It’s not even a proper faith. It’s just a myth based around some pagan superstitions and a series of advertisements for Coca Cola.

MIKE:
That’s what you say. But Santa has changed my life. He is mysterious and wonderful in ways you could never hope to understand.

DAVE:
Right. No, of course he is.

MIKE:
Now you’re just being sarcastic.

DAVE:
Yes I’m being sarcastic! It’s hard not to be sarcastic when someone says they have a spiritual belief in a man you can visit in the Arndale centre for a pound.

MIKE:
That’s not the real Santa Claus. That is merely his representative on Earth.

DAVE:
I see. Like the Archbishop of Canterbury.

MIKE:
The principle’s the same. I’m sorry if it offends you, but I happen to believe that Santa is a real force for good in this world. After all, he’s making a list.

DAVE:
A list?

MIKE:
He’s checking it twice.

DAVE:
Well, that’s thorough, I suppose.

MIKE:
He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and who’s nice.

DAVE:
Now it’s gone all a bit sinister.

MIKE:
No, that’s the whole point, you see. If you’re naughty, he won’t come down your chimney, but if you’re nice for the whole year, you get presents.

DAVE:
So basically what you’re saying is that he bribes you.

MIKE:
No.

DAVE:
He bribes you to be good.

MIKE:
It’s more a system of incentives and deterrents. Like heaven and hell, but in a much more real, and immediate sense, because if you’ve been naughty, he’ll know, and -

DAVE:
And you won’t get a Ninentendo DS Lite.

MIKE:
Exactly. But I will, because I’ve been nice. You, on the other hand, had better watch out. You’d better not cry. You’d better not pout.

DAVE:
Why?

MIKE:
I’m telling you why.

DAVE:
Oh good grief.

MIKE:
(evangelical) Because Santa Claus is coming. Santa Claus is coming. Santa Claus is coming to town. Amen.

DAVE:
That’s a hymn, is it?

MIKE:
Yes.

DAVE:
And Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?

MIKE:
Yes, that’s one too. Though we don’t actually believe the story of Rudolph, it’s more of a metaphor for Santa Claus’s infinite capacity for forgiveness.

DAVE:
Of course it is, how stupid of me not to realise that…

MIKE:
It’s alright. I was like you once. A sceptic. A non-believer. A mocking mocker.

DAVE:
So what changed all that?

MIKE:
You’re not to laugh, alright? It’s just that, one night… I saw him. I was very young, about six or seven, lying in my bed on Christmas eve… and suddenly there he was, at the foot of my bed, stuffing presents in a pillow case. Santa.

DAVE:
Oh.

MIKE:
Yeah. And so ever since then, I have let Santa into my heart.

DAVE:
You don’t think, possibly, that it might have been your dad dressed up?

MIKE:
What -? Well, he did have the same aftershave as my -

MIKE suddenly has a crisis of faith.

MIKE:
Oh my God… oh my God, you’re right… it’s all been a pathetic lie, hasn’t it?

END

Monday, 19 December 2011

Do They Know It's Christmas?


Here’s a silly, fun, festive thing I did on twitter at midday today: I started a singalong of Do They Know It’s Christmas. This is how it happened:

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Members of the choir. Songsheets at the ready.

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
The hashttag is #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
One two three four...

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid #xmaskaraoke

Paul_Cornell Paul_Cornell
At Christmas time... we let in light and we banish shade. #xmaskaraoke

cathieharvey Catherine Green
And in our world of plenty we can spread a smile of joy

markravenhill Mark Ravenhill
Throw your arms around terra in the mutter spiral at Christmas time

TomSpilsbury Tom Spilsbury
But say a prayer, pray for the other ones. #xmaskaraoke

jamesgrayh James: DrWho Fansite
At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun #xmaskaraoke

jamesmoran James Moran
Theeeeere's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear #xmaskaraoke

edstradling Ed Stradling
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears ... #xmaskaraoke

theolismith Oli Smith
And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom, #xmaskaraoke

joelidster Joe Lidster
Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you. #xmaskaraoke

HokusBloke Neil Gardner
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time #xmaskaraoke

ianzpotter Ian Potter
The greatest gift they'll get this year is liiife (woah oh) #xmaskaraoke

anghelides Peter Anghelides
Where nothing ever grows, no rain nor River Song.

MrsSteveOBrien Steve O'Brien
Do they know it's christmas time (flight) at all?

sirdigbychicken Martin Day
Here's to you, raise your glass for everyone #xmaskaraoke

PiaGuerra Pia Guerra
Here's to them, underneath that burning sun #xmaskaraoke

gossjam James Goss
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

mrtonylee Tony Lee
Do they know it's Christmas Time at all.... #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
AND NOW: EVERYBODY ON TWITTER! #xmaskaraoke

At which point about a hundred or so people joined in tweeting the chorus with the hashtag #xmaskaraoke. For about 15 minutes.

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Applause! Well done everyone! That was fantastic! #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Thanks to everyone who took part. Particularly everyone who came in too early, too late, or who sang the wrong line. #xmaskaraoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
Though I think 45 minutes is possibly too long for Do They Know It's Christmas. #karaoke

jonnymorris1973 Jonathan Morris
And a very merry Christmas to you all. x

This may become a Christmas tradition. I hope so. If nothing else, it gained me about 250 new followers!

Friday, 25 December 2009

Personal Jesus

The Story Of The Nativity

Based on the Gospels of Luke and Matthew

Using all the bits which are usually left out, and leaving out all the bits which are usually left in.

In Bethlehem there once was an unmarried couple, Mary and Joseph, who didn’t even live together. Joseph is visited by an un-named angel who tells him, regarding Mary, to ‘take her as a wife’ (in other words to have sex with her) and have a son who will be called Jesus. This he does, getting Mary pregnant. They then get married.

Not long after, Mary visits a friend called Elizabeth who was technically unable to have children but who now finds herself to be miraculously pregnant. This sort of thing happens quite often in the New Testament, it seems. It’s Elizabeth who declares that Mary is now the ‘mother of the Lord’.

Mary and Joseph move in together, and not much happens until Mary gives birth, not in a manger, but at home. King Herod has been dead for a while and the Romans don’t interfere in Judean life very much, so things are pretty quiet. No-one turns up with gifts and there are no unusual astronomical phenomena to speak of.

About a month or so later, Mary and Joseph take the Christ child to the Temple of Jerusalem to have part of his dick chopped off. He bleeds quite badly (thus beginning the redemption of man). They then sacrifice some pigeons on his behalf and chat with an old bloke called Simeon and an old lady called Anna who declare the blood-soaked infant as the saviour of the nation of Jerusalem.

Joseph is then visited by another angel in a dream, telling him to take his newborn son to Israel. Joseph decides to ignore this and they choose to settle in Nazareth instead.

Second greatest story ever told!

Thursday, 24 December 2009

I Was Born On Christmas Day

So this is Christmas. And the story of the nativity.

A story so dramatic it’s only mentioned in two of the gospels; two very contradictory accounts. Both gospels seems to be awkward attempts to reconcile the Old Testament prophecy about a Messiah born in Bethlehem with the idea that it’s Jesus of Nazareth. Luke has Jesus’ parents of Nazareth travelling to Bethlehem for the birth; Matthew has Jesus’ parents of Bethlehem relocating to Nazareth after his birth.

Of course, these solutions create more continuity problems than they solve; according to Luke, Mary and Joseph are attending the census of Quirinius at the behest of the Emperor Augustus (which means it happens ten years after the recorded death of Herod, who is still King is Matthew’s version of events). And the Romans did not conduct censuses of non-Roman citizens, requiring them to return to the town of their birth; if you think about it, it’s a rather impractical way of going about it – all you would have to do is stay at home and you wouldn’t have to pay any taxes!

The miracle of the virgin birth. Assuming you’re okay about the fact that the word ‘virgin’ is a mis-translation of the original descriptor for Mary (something closer to ‘maiden’ or ‘young woman’). Bizarrely, both gospels give detailed (but differing) accounts of how Jesus is descended from David via his father Joseph, even though both gospels make it clear that Joseph is not actually his father. Of course, this is all about trying to make the ‘story’ fit the various ‘facts’ established in the Old Testament.

So an angel – possibly Gabriel, possibly not – comes to either Mary or Joseph in a dream (but not both). They either travel to Bethelehem for a Roman census or reside there already. Mary then gives birth in a stable (according to Luke only – Matthew has Jesus as a home-birth). An unspecified number of shepherds or an unspecified number of Magi attend the child (but not both). Magi being, of course, the term for priests of the Zoroastrian religion of Persia (Zoroastrian translating as ‘followers of the star’). A giant lobster may have also have been in attendance, according to the Gospel of Richard Curtis.

After which, either Mary and Joseph flee to Egypt to escape King Herod’s Massacre of the Innocents (copy and pasted from accounts of Moses’ birth – I hardly need say there is no record of any such massacre in any reliable or remotely contemporaneous historical account) before eventually ending up in Nazareth, or they take the baby to Jeruslam to have its penis pointlessly mutilated according to Jewish tradition before returning happily to Nazareth.

And was there a magic star? Not according to Luke’s version of events (the shepherds were summoned by an angel, or possibly by a travelling spaceman, according to the gospel of Chris De Burgh). It might have been a comet (though the dates don’t match) certainly wasn’t a conjunction of planets – there wasn’t a significant one around then, and even when they do happen, they are barely noticable).

The greatest story ever told? Possibly. But with the emphasis very much on the word ‘story’.