On Saturday I did a very, very brief talk at Target Book Club 2026. Here’s the talk I gave, but with the bonus of the introduction that I dropped on the day because that ground had already been covered by previous speakers.
Who can forget the thrilling climax of Doctor Who and the
Terror of the Autons by Terrance Dicks? “The Brigadier recoiled in
horror. The thing in the pool of light had become ever more solid. It crouched
beside the radio telescope tower, dwarfing it, a many-tentacled monster,
something between spider, crab and octopus.” Reading that, who wouldn’t be left
with a desperate desire to see the original television story? To witness this
terrifying monster in action? A terrifying monster depicted in an illustration
but where, mysteriously, no photos of it had ever appeared in the Doctor Who
Monster Book or Doctor Who Magazine. We should have realised
something was amiss.
But then we all sat down and actually watched Terror of
the Autons and realised we’d been sold a dud. There was no many-tentacled
monster, something between spider, crab and octopus. No. A more accurate
description of the scene would have been “It hovered over the radio telescope
tower, slightly smaller than it, a vaguely shimmering form, something between
blur, blob, and an out-of-focus.”
So, the one big problem with the Target books was that they raised wildly unrealistic expectations of the television programme. What they should have done is given us accurate descriptions of how things actually appeared on screen. So here for you are some examples of how the books should have been written:
Doctor Who and the Tomb of the Cybermen
“A new race of Cybermen?” puzzled Jamie. “But we’re humans.
We’re not like you!”
The huge Cyberleader turned and spoke, but the heavy
electronic distortion on its voice rendered its speech completely
unintelligible.
At this, the Cybermen advanced. They quickly restrained the Doctor, Kleig and Professor Parry, while Jamie ran down the tunnel. Only Toberman continued to resist, but he could only struggle in vain as his attacker effortlessly lifted him over its head, his body suspended from two wires that had somehow become attached to him during the fight.
Doctor Who - Timelash
Inside the strange world of the time corridor, the Doctor edged along the surprisingly bouncy crystal outcrop – only to suddenly slip, to be left hanging in mid-air. Up in the council chamber, Vena stared down into the Timelash. “He’s dangling on the edge of oblivion”, she said matter-of-factly, her voice betraying not even the slightest hint of emotion. In fact, she seemed completely indifferent to the Doctor’s plight and generally bored by the whole thing.
Doctor Who and the Talons of Weng-Chiang
They were having a good night at the palace. The audience
were staring entranced at the gorgeously robed figure on stage, the famous
Chinese magician L’H’Sen Chang, who looked like an - Actually I’ll do a different bit.
Leela ran through the darkness. Behind her, she could hear the angry squeaks of the giant rat. She tripped and fell, the filthy water making her Victorian underwear almost completely see-through. But that didn’t concern her as she turned to face her pursuer. It was strange, but in the distance the giant rat appeared to be a normal-sized rat running through a miniature version of the tunnel. But as it drew closer, she came to the terrifying realisation that it was, in fact, a man in a giant rat costume.
Doctor Who –
Dragonfire
The Doctor peered over the edge of the ice cliff. Below was a sheer drop of hundreds of metres. To fall would mean certain death. Undeterred, he hooked his question-mark umbrella onto a metal bar and climbed down until he was clinging onto his whimsical bumbershoot for dear life. He slowly slid down its length, grimacing with alarm, until he came to a halt, whereupon he stared into space with a baffled expression, as though to wonder ‘what the hell did I do that for’?
Doctor Who and the Zarbi
“Well, come on then, Doctor,” said Ian, turning to leave
before realising his mistake. “Ah. How do we open the doors? We have no power.”
Doctor Who was suddenly at a loss for words. “Dear dear dear dear dear,” he muttered, as though struggling to think of the right thing to say. Ian smiled at him patiently. “It’s one thing after another!” Doctor Who continued. “Yes, well, I, er, I, er, didn’t want to, er...” He glanced down at his signet ring, and had a flash of inspiration. “This is not merely a decorative object!” he chuckled with relief at having regained his train of thought.
Doctor Who and the Destiny of the Daleks
Suddenly the voice of the Dalek leader blared out.
“Attention! The action we are about to take is your responsibility. It will
cease only when you agree to total surrender.”
“Now what?” said the Doctor. Outside in the corridor, the
Daleks had gathered a small group of slave workers, who were standing in line
as though waiting for a bus.
The Dalek leader forced one of the workers to step forward. “Exterminate” snarled the Dalek, firing its deadly weapon, and a second later the worker looked around for a safe spot to fall, before carefully lowering himself to the ground.
Doctor Who –
Warriors of the Deep
Suddenly there was a roar and a terrible shriek of twisting
metal, and the bulkhead door flopped gently to the floor like a foam rubber
mattress. By a kind of freak accident Tegan got her legs trapped beneath it.
“Are you alright?” said the Doctor.
“How would you feel if you’d had a door fall on you?” whined
Tegan.
“Turlough, help me!” gasped the Doctor, straining to lift the lightweight rubber door. As he did, he glanced at the Myrka. It was a large, green sea creature, half-frog, half-horse, half-finished. It appeared to be the product of some deranged experiment in genetic engineering that had run out of time and money and green paint. It lumbered towards them, swaying unsteadily from side to side while tripping over its own flippers.
Doctor Who and the War Games
Hand in hand, Jamie and Zoe walked slowly towards the open
door of the Sidrat capsule. There, they turned to look at the Doctor one last
time. He gave a small, sad wave like a lost little boy, and Jamie and Zoe waved
back before entering the capsule. Its door slid shut and it dematerialised. The
Doctor knew that he would never either of them ever again, apart from as ghosts
in The Five Doctors, if you count that, and again in The Two Doctors,
of course.
