The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Thursday, 24 June 2010

Globe Alone


Congratulations – and thank you for volunteering to be a steward at the Globe Theatre. We hope you will find it a rewarding experience, and greatly appreciate you giving your time to help us make the theatre a success.

Before we begin, a few guidelines on what is required from you as a Globe Theatre steward. As you might expect, our patrons come to the theatre expecting an enjoyable night out at the theatre free from distractions and interruptions.

And, as a Globe Theatre steward, it is your responsibility to do absolutely BUGGER ALL about this.

We can’t stress this too strongly. No matter what may happen during the course of the evening, your role is simply to stand there, watching the show for free.

Please remember the following rules:

If you notice people are talking constantly and loudly throughout the show, you should do absolutely BUGGER ALL about this.

(Similarly, if someone else draws your attention to people who are talking constantly and loudly throughout the show, you should still do absolutely BUGGER ALL).

It’s a long-standing tradition that people go to the Globe with the most massive, view-obscuring back-packs possible with which to inflict injuries upon other patrons by ‘accidentally’ whacking them into other people’s faces when turning around. As a steward, it is your responsibility to do absolutely BUGGER ALL about this.

It is expressly forbidden for people to record or take photographs during a show, so if someone is clearly doing this, which is of course very distracting for everyone else and extremely disrespectful to the actors, you should do absolutely BUGGER ALL about this.

And finally, you’ll probably find that during the course of the show several people’s mobile phones will ring. Some will, after three or four minutes, notice this and rummage around in their massive, view-obscuring back-pack for the offending item before switching it off. Many will simply let it ring out obliviously. And quite a few will answer it during the show. ‘Hi, yeah, I’m at the Globe Theatre, no it’s okay to talk, it’s just some fucker in tights chatting to a skull.’

It should go without saying that you should do absolutely BUGGER ALL about this.

Let those be your watch-words. No matter what happens – heated arguments, fights breaking out, the actors on stage losing their place during the boring bit of Act IV of Macbeth – you should just stand there and do nothing. You are there, remember, simply to watch the show for free and FOR NO OTHER REASON.

Or, if you like, you can chat away to your fellow stewards, take photos and talk on the phone. Why not? Everyone else does it.

And if any of the poor mugs who have paid for a ticket dare to complain – take personal offence, and remind them that, as a steward, it is not your job to assist members of the public. It’s – yes, that’s right, you’ve got it – to do absolutely BUGGER ALL.

1 comment:

  1. Utterly brilliant. Don't forget - you should also be actively nasty to people when they come in and preferably BARK at them like cattle. Don't worry, you get electrified prods next year.

    ReplyDelete