(This is the only way I have ever seen this episode... so far.)
Telesnap reconstruction. All images (c) BBC.
1. Those unforgettable opening titles designed by Sid Sutton. Not looking bad so far.
2. The Doctor has been charged with destroying an entire species – a charge known as ‘genocide’. Which does not make him happy. In fact, it makes him extremely unhappy.
3. The Keeper Of The Matrix says no-one can enter the Matrix without the Key of Rassilon. What he has got the only one of.
4. The Doctor protests his innocence. Meanwhile, over on TVS, Blockbusters.
5. Not for the last time, the episode tastefully switches to black and white. With a hint of green. It looks a bit like a Jon Pertwee story now, doesn’t it?
6. Bonnie Langford turns up and launches into a rendition of ‘There’s No Business Like Showbusiness’.
7. The Doctor is fighting for his life... against Blockbusters on the other side.
8. Hello, who’s that on telly? It’s only the Master in the matrix! Either that or he’s going for the Gold Run.
9. Lynda Bellingham thinks it’s an episode of Loose Women. And wonders where John Barrowman has got to. He is such an amusing gay man.
10. Now the episode switches back to black and white... and lilac. It’s a bit like a Prince video.
11. See how much nicer the Doctor’s outfit looks with the colour turned off.
12. Glitz examines the set. ‘Must’ve cost a few grotsits’, he says, sarcastically.
13. The Master explains a bit more of the plot. Yes, the plot, Doctor! I know the plot! Mweh mweh mweh!
14. The Doctor learns the terrible truth. He has Paul Nicholas’ hair.
15. The Valeyard wants Paul Nicholas’ hair too. From all his remaining regenerations!
16. The Valeyard has buggered off into the matrix, which is the cue for the Keeper Of The Matrix to hitch up his skirts and give us a quick tap dance routine.
17. We enter the nightmare virtual reality world of the Matrix. I think that might be a gerbil.
18. Doctor Who makes his final appearance in the episode in full colour.
19. That’s Glitz following him into the Matrix. Or a close-up of a window frame.
20. The Doctor ponders his fate – as a caption card for the A-Team on TVS breaks through from another dimension. This also makes him extremely unhappy.
21. The Doctor confronts the mysterious Mr Eddie Yates. Or an Ice Warrior.
22. The Master explains that Peri isn’t dead after all. Mwah mwah mwah! That said, he launches a space javelin from out of his face.
23. Bonnie Langford protests the Doctor’s innocence again. I think it’s the local news on the other side. The river Tamar has just flooded its banks, it would appear.
24. The Doctor and Glitz ponder the inscrutable and entirely invisible Mr Eddie Yates. What is his secret?
25. Unless the episode contains a close-up of a piece of wood, not a clue.
26. Lynda Bellingham’s head is nearly sliced off by the Master’s space javelin.
27. Looks like it might be a big trifle of some kind.
28. More wood grain in close-up. Or maybe it’s a recently-ploughed field?
29. The Valeyard appears – at the seaside. As you can clearly see.
30. A brief cameo appearance from erstwhile producer, John Nathan-Turner, apparently being mauled by a small dog.
31. The terrifying climax as the Doctor is dragged under the sand. At least this way you can’t make out his nasal hair.
32. And finally, those unforgettable closing titles designed by Sid Sutton.
