The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Brief Candles

Internal Office Memo

To: Vampire Master
From: Chief Acolyte

Re: Candles

Hate to trouble you, I know how busy you are with the Forthcoming Great Arising, but I feel I should give you a quick ‘heads up’ regarding the whole candles situation.

Now, as you know, one of my duties is maintaining the candles in your lair, aka the Cave Of Evil.

The problem is, I can’t help feeling the whole business with the candles has got a bit out of hand. At the moment the C.O.E. is lit with over four hundred individual candles. We're currently getting through twice that number daily; I’m having to buy in in bulk. But the main difficulty is in making sure they’re all lit up at once. Because, basically, by the time I’ve got all four hundred flaming away, the first ones have burned down and I have to start all over again. It’s like painting the Forth Bridge and I’m finding that with all the candle lighting and replacing, it’s not allowing me a great deal of time to devote to my other duties (the Anointing Of The Chosen One, the Translating Of The Dark Prophecies, the Filing).

I realise it’s important that the C.O.E. is well-illuminated, and the effect of four hundred candles burning at once is very atmospheric, but I feel obliged to point out there are some other drawbacks. The ventilation, for one thing – what with the C.O.E. being deep underground, with all the candles going it does get a little stuffy. And I don’t want to be all ‘health and safety’ but I’m sure the combination of candles and hundred-year-old drapes is an accident waiting to happen. I’m not even sure it’s a good idea to have so many candles about the place, given that a naked flame is lethal to vampires (you’ll recall we vetoed the crucifix-patterned wallpaper and running water feature for similar reasons).

My suggestion is that we possibly look into some other lighting solutions; such as candle-effect bulbs. I’m putting together some budgets now; bearing in mind our present running costs, I think we could be looking at a long-term saving. After all, we’re not working on an unlimited budget here. We may be Evil Incarnate but we still have to make ends meet!

Yours sincerely,


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