The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Sitting By The Riverside (Mono)

Odd day, yesterday. After writing something like goodness’ knows how much over the past three or four weeks, I decided to have a day off. I’d just go for a walk, clear my mind.

So I walked from Victoria to Hammersmith, along the Thames Path. I’m quite a dull person, I enjoy long walks on my own. They’re kind of meditative. And I saw bits of London I haven’t seen before, more pieces of the jigsaw. I now know where Battersea Heliport is, and that it’s nothing like the place where the Daleks land in The Dalek Invasion Of Earth.

I would’ve kept on walking – the plan was to get to Richmond, and maybe, one day, get as far as Hampton Court – but for two things. Firstly, the weather was strangely horrible. Heavy rain followed by hot sunshine followed by heavy rain. Sticky.

And secondly, as is the tradition, I was ill on my day off. A temporary – I hope – but almost total deafness in my right ear. Overactive ceruminous glands leading to auditory occlusion. I think it might be partially psychosomatic as I’ve been reading a biography of Brian Wilson.

Life in mono is disconcerting. The main scare is how it affects balance, going down the stairs first thing in the morning. Other than that it’s like being an old man, having to take extra care crossing the road, feeling a little isolated and vulnerable and self-conscious, having great awkwardness in talking to people, having to ask them to repeat, and ending up short-tempered and sulky. That’s what I have to look forward to!

Except I found the cure. Not cotton buds – they’re what caused the problem – but rolled-up tubes of tissue paper. That was my exciting evening. Watching Torchwood and Krod Mandoon whilst unplugging my ears.


  1. The rolled up tissue paper is only a temporary respite. It seems effective at the time... but then you find out how much more is actually in there.

  2. Oh I know. It's like excavating the channel tunnel.

  3. Don't stick things in yer ears - however tempting! It could lead to permanent deafness.

    Get it syringed - it's the only way - I speak from experience!

    You won't BELIEVE the amount, consisitency and colour of all the stuff that comes out.

  4. About ten to nine?

  5. But in ten year's time you'll be able to say, 'I told Jonny not to stick things in his ears because it would make him go deaf - but he didn't listen...'