The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Friday, 13 February 2009

ABBA Undeleted

Much has been written about the Swedish pop quartet known as ABBA. However, one startling aspect of their music has been overlooked. Until now.

The number of ABBA songs which seem to have been inspired by Swedish porn films.

When I Kissed The Teacher – He was trying to explain the laws of geometry when one of the pert young Swedish girls he was leaning over couldn’t resist kissing him. Everyone screamed, he blushed... but then smiled. And said, ‘Now for the second part of today’s lesson. Spanking test’.

Does Your Mother Know – A peculiarly morally-upright song this, about a pop star refusing to sleep with a groupie because she’s too young. Even though her feelings are driving her wild, he advises her to wait... until she’s legal.

Two For The Price Of One – The rudest of them all. A railway station platform cleaner answers a classified ad which promises a threesome with two girls – but it turns out to be a girl... and her mother! But the offer’s still on the table...

Summer Night City – ‘Walking in the moonlight, love making in the park’. A paean to sex in the great outdoors. If that wasn’t bad enough, it doesn’t sound like they’re singing ‘Walking’ – it sounds much more like ‘F**king’. Or 'Dogging'.

Honey Honey – ‘You’re a love machine, Oh you make me dizzy...!’ Who could the ABBA girls be referring to? We have no idea until Bjorn sings, ‘I don’t want to hurt you baby...’ Boastful Bjorn.

Plus the following self-explanatory titles:

Bang-A-Boomerang, Nina Pretty Ballerina, The Day Before You Came, Man In The Middle, So Long, Head Over Heels, Me & Bobby & Bobby’s Brother, Slipping Through My Fingers and On Top Of Old Smokey.

Disgusting. And they play it on the radio when children might be listening.

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