The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Friday, 20 February 2009

Hound Dog

Inspired by those DVD trailers for insane-family-films-you’re-never-going-to-watch...

WOOFINGTON: (STREETWISE NEW YORK ACCENT)
I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation, and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office. So help me God. Now gimme a goddam biscuit!

Cut to inauguration ceremony. Where the PRESIDENT is... a YORKSHIRE TERRIER!

GRAVEL-VOICED VOICE-OVER MAN:
Woofington G Barker is a dog with a difference. A dog with attitude. A dog from the street. He’s also the forty-fifth President... of the United States.

WOOFINGTON is in the oval office.

WOOFINGTON:
Hey, where’s the goddam washroom, or am I gonna have to do my poop in a plant pot?

The CHIEF OF STAFF is power-walking down a corridor, West-Wing-style.


CHIEF:
How can a dog be president? It’s unconstitutional!

ASSISTANT:
Article two states that every citizen of the United States can be president. It doesn’t say anything about them having to be human.

Back to the oval office.

WOOFINGTON:
Too late, I done my poop in the Resolute desk! Somebody crack open a window!

CHIEF:
He’s not even house-trained, never mind White-House-trained!

Scenes from WOOFINGTON’s life: meeting POLITICIANS, in AIR FORCE ONE, CONVENTIONS. Music: That’s The Way I Like It by the KC Sunshine Band. Then cut to the incident room:

WOOFINGTON:
We gotta act fast, there’s puppies down there. Let loose the dogs of war!

WOOFINGTON meeting the QUEEN – and one of her CORGIs. It’s love!

WOOFINGTON:
(wolf whistle) Now she is one hot bitch!

GRAVEL-VOICED VOICE-OVER-MAN.
Walt Disney Pictures presents... President Pooch.

CAPTION:
The little dog... who had a big dream.

WOOFINGTON:
Now gimme a goddam biscuit!

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