As far as I’m aware, I’ve only ever seriously fallen out with two people. The sad thing is, they’re the two people I’d most like to still be friends with, or at least, be on good terms. I have no reason to dislike them, except for the frustration arising from the fact that they seem to think I’m a total arse.
Some people are fine with having enemies. I’m not. I don’t believe in karma but as a guiding principle, it makes sense. I don’t want someone to die despising me, not before I’ve had a chance to apologise, make amends, put things right. And I don’t want to die being despised. The fact that I’ve unilaterally turned these two friends against me haunts me. It preys on my mind. It’s unfinished business.
Problem is, I wouldn’t know where to begin in putting things right. I’m pretty sure any overtures I made would ring hollow and would only serve to increase irritation. I’m not very good at that sort of thing. I can only hope that one day they realise that I’m not being a total arse deliberately and they make the first move. If only to make peace and move on. The whole ‘you’re at the same party together pretending each other is invisible’ business, it breaks my heart.
I can’t quite cope with falling out with people. I’m good at losing touch with people – I can be a bad friend – I’m not one of those people who remain in touch with everyone they schooled with, everyone they universitied with, everyone they worked with, everyone they’ve ever done the bedroom bounce with. I think that’s inevitable; I think girls are much better at that sort of thing.
But I suppose, on balance, two’s not too bad. Three would be worse.