The random witterings of Jonathan Morris, writer.

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Pollard


I was out with some friends a couple of weeks ago, in a pub in London’s West End, and towards the end of the evening in walked Su Pollard, the actress famed for her portrayal of chalet maid Peggy Ollerenshaw in TV’s ‘Hi-De-Hi!’ and her 1986 hit single ‘Starting Together’.

Nothing remarkable in that, you might think. Nothing sinister. And you’d be right.

A few days later I was out jogging, listening to my pop selection on my mp3 player, and passed a gaggle of middle-aged women in the park. One of whom was Su Pollard, the actress famed for her portrayal of chalet maid Peggy Ollerenshaw in TV’s ‘Hi-De-Hi!’ and her 1986 hit single ‘Starting Together’.

‘A mere coincidence!’, you may say. That’s what I thought.

A few more days passed, and I was in central London again, shopping and picking up contact lenses. Walking down Oxford street, who should I pass but... Su Pollard, the actress famed for her portrayal of chalet maid Peggy Ollerenshaw in TV’s ‘Hi-De-Hi!’ and her 1986 hit single ‘Starting Together’.

And then I realised the chilling truth.

I am being stalked by Su Pollard. Now, wherever I go, there will be a distant, haunting, banshee cry of ‘I want to be a yellowcoat!’ and ‘Blimey heck, Mith Cathcart’th gonna have my gutth for garterth!’

Unless... unless there is a second, even more terrifying, possibility. Which is this: I am now trapped in a universe where, Being John Malkovich-style, the people around me are being transformed, one by one, into Su Pollard, the actress famed for her portrayal of chalet maid Peggy Ollerenshaw in TV’s ‘Hi-De-Hi!’ and her 1986 hit single ‘Starting Together’.

Or maybe it’s all in my mind. Maybe it is a strange new madness.

Help me. Before it’th too late.

1 comment:

  1. Jonny, that's awful.

    I want to help, really I do.

    But... but... but not as mooch as ah want t'be a yellercort!

    ReplyDelete